I just recently celebrated my 44th month anniversary on this never-ending journey to become the healthiest me I can be. I say never-ending because in all reality this journey is just that: never-ending with no clear-cut destination but to accept the time for what it is.
If my goal were just to lose weight, well I can honestly say, been there, done that many times (I was a pro at losing weight), only to find myself right back where I started or worse. But this time was going to be different and it has been every step of the way!
On February 9, 2005, I took the first step of my journey to totally transform my life. When I think back before that time, I had very low self-esteem. I believed people judged me because of my size. I thought they viewed me as lazy, undisciplined, and a poor example to my daughter. But now I realize those were just obstacles that I put up to keep me from reaching my goals.
There was and is something safe with what we know. Walking into the abyss was--and is--scary, especially for someone who liked (likes) to be in control of everything, including the scale. I had failed so many times before, what if I failed again? What if the weight never comes off? What will people think when I lose weight? Will they think, “Here she goes again, I wonder how long she will keep it off this time?” Once again these were obstacles that I placed on me. Other people didn't place them on me, I placed them on myself. I have since discovered many times we can be our own worse enemy.
My Aha! moment came about a month before my journey began when I went to put on a pair of black workout pants, that my family so kindly referred to as ‘Mom’s uniform pants’ that's when I noticed the seat was so worn out one could literally see through them. I was mortified! Now what am I going to wear? These were the pants that I could dress up or down for most any occasion. They became my main staple to my very small wardrobe. When my size 18 jeans became too snug for me to wear anymore, and like many women I was NOT going to buy a larger size, these pants became my security.
Weird as it may sound, before my journey I never really saw myself as overweight. When I looked in the mirror I looked heavy, but I guess I just accepted my weight for what it was until I couldn't wear my pants of security. And that was when panic set in.
I had very few photos of me when I was heavy. I was always the one to volunteer to be the photographer and not the one photographed. Sadly this came home to haunt me when my daughter needed photos of the two of us together for a Mother/Daughter high school graduation tea a few years ago. I searched high and low and found a few, but very few of us together. I think I cried for a whole week, and still it is hard to accept that I allowed myself to be so selfish.
Looking back I don’t understand why I was so self-conscious or allowed my insecurities to stand in the way of my daughter having memories of the two of us together captured on film. It was truly a selfish act on my part, but as I have learned on this fantastic journey one can never undo what has been done. That being said we can all learn from our mistakes. It is at that point when we truly grow into the people we are meant to be, regardless of our weight or size.
Now, the camera is my friend. I no longer allow anyone else to determine my worthiness. I have finally learned to let go of my need for perfection and most importantly I have learned to embrace this journey we call healthy living and everything that comes with it.
I wish you well on your own personal journeys.
I hope you will share your own stories of how one moment totally transformed your life. Have you had more than one?
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