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The Hardest Part of Ending is Starting Over Again 05/30/2018

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March 30, 2017 Starting over again, I am. I was doing pretty well after a full knee replacement surgery when I encountered something that completely knocked me over. I've been fighting grief since last summer, and quite frankly it has been winning. I back slid a whole 40 pounds, most of it since the holidays. I'm ready to pull it together, suck it up, and get back on track. I expect to have a big loss for the first week and then start dropping hopefully 2 lbs average a week. I'm hoping I can meet 50 in a couple years fit and a whole lot healthier. I know how to do this. I just have to do it. December 2015 I celebrated my birthday this year 66 lbs lighter than the last. I no longer use a cane. I'm only six pounds away from having lost 20% of my starting weight. I've had my set backs through some major life changes, but all in all I feel really good about myself. I'm going forward from here with a Winter BLT challenge as a member of the PURPLE PASSION team. Violet has alway been one of my favorite colors. It's the color of dreams. I'm dreaming big and can't wait to go into the new year healthier, fitter, and with better quality of life. April 2015 Goals I've achieved are: - I've lost 10% of my starting body mass = 36 lbs - I reduced my need for a cane to stairs, hiking, and ice - I'm able to be a more active participant in my family's lives. I went hiking in Hocking Hills and made it down and into the Rock House. - I've learned to love myself enough to make these changes and stick with it. I know that these changes are permanent. There is no going back to the way I ate or moved before unless I want to be that person again. I absolutely love this because it is me! I am DONE being the fat friend/sister/daughter/co-worker/neighbor/ stranger! I am DONE squeezing into theater chairs, roller coasters or airplane seats and being uncomfortable (or not fitting at all)! I am DONE shopping at the "fat girl" stores! I am DONE being covered up at the beach! I am DONE thinking my size is holding me back from love/promotions/opportunities/life! I am just DONE being the fat girl!!!! My theme song is The Phoenix by Fall Out Boy: "I'm gonna change you like a remix Then I'll raise you like a phoenix" March 5, 2015 I'm gearing up for the Neon Ninja's Spring Challenge. I love the motivation and camaraderie. February 3, 2015 Wow it feels like I just updated, but so much has changed in the past month. I've had a lot of success starting over. I'm back to high protein, low carb, and 6 meals a day and it really helps. I'm eating high protein meal replacement shakes and bars along with real fruit, veggies, and quality protein to take care of my nutrition. I'm keeping bars in my car and gym bag to ward off fast food stops during errands. The biggest change is concentrating on my fitness. I'm doing really well and I my goal is to put in two days of strength training, three of days cardio, and two light days of 10 minute cardio each week. I feel incredible. I'm doing so very well that I've reconsidered Bariatric surgery. I don't think I need it. Instead I need to make the gym my second home for life. January 5, 2015 As I sit here after tracking and logging and reestablishing my goals, �He Is Not Dead Yet� from Monty Python's Spamalot is running through my head. I'm at a new all time high of 363 pounds as of my 45 year well check up. So here I go again with a liquid diet ( Total Soy Meal Replacement ) instead of Optifast. It�s so much less expensive. I need to lose weight because I hurt so much; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I�m almost 200 pounds over weight. I�m trying to get into bariatric surgery with the intent of reducing my stomach down to the size of an egg in hopes I can finally beat my hunger and genetics. Lets face it, I could swear off solid food until this time next year and still have weight to lose. I know they say that loving yourself should be enough but it isn�t. Still I am not dead yet so there is hope for me. I have a chance to get fit and healthy. October 29, 2012 I've joined the 72-Days Until 2013 Challenge on Team ~Indygirl. It has really got me back on track after a few hard weeks. Still, I'm 60lbs. lighter than my highest weight and over a quarter of the way to my goal. I'm so excited to welcome the New Year healthier in mind and body. (03/11/08): I'm so very happy to have found this site. The tracking tools have cut the hours I used to spend journaling to a few minutes after every meal. I can see how I'm doing anytime of day at a glance and adjust from there. I love the articles on the site and nourish my mind daily as well as my body. The best thing about SparkPeople is the wonderful community. The people are so friendly and supportive. We're never alone. When friends are less than helpful or supportive, SparkPeople are there. When the people in my life have no concept of what I'm going through. SparkPeople understand. *Where I Started: I guess I'll begin with what's weighing on my mind, not to mention around my middle and off my thighs. I've managed to gain back every thing I've lost since I joined TOPS in 2004. At my high point, I topped the scales at 362. There is no one thing to blame for it. Stress and tension have a lot to do with it as do lack of time and motivation. I've been completely overwhelmed by mothering four kids, working full time as a writer at a desk and dealing with a bizarre, long list of crises due to living in an aging house and in an extended family. Journaling is the only thing that I've found that actually works for me. Thus, dieting is a full time preoccupation with every waking moment spent worrying about what I can eat, what I am eating, what I have to eat to make a decent meal, what I ended up eating and when I have to eat again� and writing every bit of it down. I already have a full time writing job and I'm a mother of four vivacious children from toddler to tween. I just can't handle one more thing. And yet my weight is completely out of control. My health is OK for now. However, staying this heavy is not an option. It opens up so many deadly serious problems such as heart disease, diabetes and risk of stroke. I'm always worn out. It's funny how being heavy is a double edged sword. It also makes me feel awful about myself. I know the reality of social interactions in our society. People judge you before you ever meet on your appearance. I have to work twice as hard to be considered worth while as some pretty little thing. It makes me hang back and stay silent when I should stand forward and speak up for myself. It also insulates me from unwanted attention, which I don't know how to deal with. I'm completely and utterly overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose. I'm bewildered; knowing that if I succeed, like a balloon that has been overfilled and deflated, I will most likely need surgery to look normal. I'm seriously considering Bariatric surgery. Anti-obesity drugs aren't an option for me because of my anti-depressants and I feel like I'm out of options. I'm particularly interested in the LAP-band. I know there are substantial risks. The statistics are as high as 10-20%. I know one man who died after having it and another that nearly did. However, I really don't think I can live with myself any more and a separation is out of the question. Where ever I go, there I am. So here I am again, ready to start over. I know what to do. We all know what do. I just need to figure out a way to get there.

Member Since: 2/6/2008

Fitness Minutes: 33,190

My Goals:
I started at 363.0 lbs. The dreaded chart has me at 170 for my 5' 8". I was a size 8 at 153 lbs in college. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself since I have 193 lbs. to lose.

I'm going to set my goals at 5 lb. increments. Losing 193 lbs. seems next to impossible. I can lose 5 lbs. and then do it again, and again.

My long term goal is to go from my starting 363.0 lbs to 170 lbs. I'd love to be a size 14.
I want to be able to do my own pedicures despite my arthritis.

Medium Term Goals:
My current medium term goal is 50 lbs lost. I'm within a couple pounds of it.
My next goal after that will be getting in under 300 lbs by my June 3rd, six month check up.
I want to have less pain walking and exercising by Summer Solstice

Daily goals are:
- Track all nutrition and exercise
- 8 glasses water minimum
- 5 fruits and vegetables minimum
- 8 hours of sleep: This is a big one. My energy, mood, self esteem, motivation

My Program:
I'm eating six times a day, high protein and getting in my fruits and vegetables and fiber. I limiting certain things but not outright eliminating anything.

I'm drinking Naturade Total Soy Meal Replacements and eating protein bars for on the go meals. I keep them in my gym back pack, my car, and my purse so I don't have to run for fast food in a pinch.

I'm also carrying a water bottle with me everywhere.
I'm making an effort to drink at least 8 - 8 oz. glasses of water or equivalent a day.

I have a YMCA membership and I want to get there or my apt. office weight room five days a week. I'm doing cardio five times a week and strength training 4, each routine twice.

Personal Information:
I'm actually very shy and introverted. I've been very happily married for 24 years this May 8th to my best friend. I love helping people which is probably why I have four kids.

Music is my passion, reading is my joy, and writing is my therapy. I have great admiration for people who can do it well, especially for those that can serialize a character.

I'm overweight and have been for most of my life. I thought I'd peaked a couple years back at 362 lbs after our last child was born. I totally gave up any pretense of trying to lose or maintain under incredible stress and have reached a new high winter 2014 at 363 lbs.

Other Information:
I'm into computers, video games, pen and paper role playing games, action adventure games, RPGs, camping, fishing, baking, Homebrewing, Mead Making, Reading, Movies, Writing, and Knitting.

I love music. I listen to a wide variety of genres, play violin and I'm learning to play the guitar.

I've written two sci-fi, character focused novels, and am looking at options as far as publishing. To publish, to self publish... everyone in the industry seems to have definite opinions one way or another. I have decided to try and publish for the experience, and I've taken the first step and submitted my work to an agent.

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    Hi there!! My name is Michelle and I just recently found sp. Reading your page sounded soooo familiar. Just wanted to say hi and let you
    know that I'm here if you need some support. ~Michelle
    4648 days ago
    Thanks for adding me as a friend. I hope you have a wonderful experience here on Sparkpeople. WOW ... I can't imagine not having Sparkpeople.

    4648 days ago
    Hi there! You've certainly made a good start by coming to this site. You'll find a lot of encouragement here, which is a big help when battling weight loss. I have a ton of weight to lose as well & it can be very overwhelming, but you CAN do it. Journaling is a great start - just start including all you eat during the day, as well as your feelings and emotions. It's funny - one thing that scares me about losing weight is having surgery to get rid of excess skin & you mentioned the same thing. But, I figure we can't let that be a deterant - we just need to work towards our goal and worry about it when we get there! Again, I'm glad you joined - Feel free to send spark mail if you ever want to talk. I've made some great friends in just a few weeks and it helps to know others are fighting the same battle - and winning it! We will to! Good luck!!!! Diane
    4648 days ago
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