PAMIJANE

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Update on the depression and Fibermyalgia

Thursday, June 19, 2008


Good morning! I thought I would share a poem I wrote almost 20 years ago before I go into how I'm doing. I'm not used to sharing my really personal work, but I figured here on SparkPeople, surrounded by friends, this would be the perfect place to start. Please don't be afraid to let me know what you think! Thank you!


Muse~ic
By Pamela 1990
I was 29 then.

I lay desolate
Curled around my pillows
Soothing wind song
Of flutes, pipes
Sensual oboe...
And I embrace it
In my desolation.
I am so small
Vulnerable and alone
But I know that this
Is just my flesh
Wanting...
To be touched
Held, stroked
Loved...
My heart is filled
With unshed tears
My spirit soars
Body caught in dreams
Fears surge in
To swirl, viscous
In my mind, my soul
Rushing...
To where? What destiny?
But then softly
A gentle Presence comes
Stills my restless fears
My indecision.
Delicate piano sonata
Trickling into the
Miasma of my senses
Leaving behind
Sweet memories
Never done.

It was in the rare moments where I wasn't taking care of my mother, or working that the yearnings of an unlived life would swirl heavy in my mind and heart and I would lie in a stupor of melancholy writing of the strong emotions, desires and needs I never thought would ever be fulfilled.

I find it interesting that even when we get what we've longed for all our lives until that moment, that some things never change. In spite of my street savvy and working since I was 9, I was in fact, still pitifully naive. I thought achieving my heart's desires would be like a magic wand was waved over my life and that I would live out the happy ending. I figured I'd had so much trauma and tragedy in my life that surely the rest would be smooth sailing. Surprise!

Mostly I love me and my life and all in it. It's only when my mind turns on me and my emotions carry me to heights and depths no human belongs in, that I am prone to reflect on the capriciousness of life and wonder if I'm a direct descendant of that fellow Murphy everyone talks about. I certainly feel as if I inherited his legacy of things going wrong sometimes.

Everything would be better if this stupid fibromyalgia would go into remission again, if that's an applicable word for when I feel almost normal. I hate being bound by pain and uncooperative muscles! Oh well. I'm drinking my water and continuing to eat right...mostly. I did go almost 24 hours without eating. Then I ate a banana and a small bowl of cereal. I don't want to eat my full allowence when I'm not able to exercise.

One really bright spark is that today the depression is better. I can smile and laugh again though I still feel the lingering affects and melancholy. I hope this is a sign that it is fading away like a bad dream and I'll be sparking again! Now if only this dratted flare up would subside! It's going on to three weeks now and it's worse instead of better. I can barely move, but I'm going to at least make myself walk.

Have a happy day!
Pami xoxo
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • WINDMAIDEN1
    I know how you feel and my heart goes out to you Pami! Hang in there...I don't know any one as strong as you are, things will get better, you have proved your strength. God Bess you Pami
    emoticon
    4475 days ago
  • POOLOFTEARS
    Hey Pami,

    Thanks for the add.You have a very interesting blog and I love the sunflowers. My daughter is bipolar/borderline, and believe me it's been a daily struggle. To top it off, I suffer from chronic depression. We don't have a family, we have a psychology experiment!

    You certainly are a fighter. I can't believe all the obstacles and heartaches you have endured. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. Especially your mother's illness. I'm sure that was very difficult to deal with. But you stood by her, bless your heart.

    Stay on the path, and Happy Trails!
    Martha emoticon
    4476 days ago
  • CTEMPLE
    Hi Pami FMS and Depression are a real drag, I know both very well. The thing you can look forward to is that they will pass. I read a good line today in someone else's blog "Depression be damned!"
    Hope you see better days soon!
    DH recovering but I'm still a bit overloaded, it will be like that for at least 6 weeks and then off to a two week holiday in a national park up north, Kakadu hopefully. The first in 4 years.
    Claudia
    4478 days ago
  • DEBULACLARK
    OH Pami the poem is beautiful. I'm so sorry your FM and depression are bothering you again. I haven't been around much and I am glad you are coming out of the depression. I'll say prayers for a speedier recovery on the FM. I can't imagine how you feel. I'm sorry. xoxo emoticon
    4478 days ago
  • JILLIAN0223
    Pami, what a beautiful poem. I could almost hear the music. It was just lovely. I'm glad to hear the depression is starting to lift and you're feeling better. May the FM soon be in remission as well. Be gentle with yourself. ::hugs::

    Jillian
    4478 days ago
  • PRINCESSTTM
    greetings... sorry about your FM and its affect upon you. sending you prayers for a speedy remission. I have never experienced anything like FM but I am so glad that you are wanting to walk. I hope itdoesn't hurt too much ... blessings terri
    4479 days ago
  • 46A39P
    Pami, that was a beautiful poem from the heart. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with all of your friends! I am so glad for you that the fibromyalgia is hopefully going into remission. I wish you many happy, pain free days. Love, Jean
    4479 days ago
  • VISITORX
    Beautiful poem, Pami.

    I'm glad you're pulling out of your depression. I hope things get much better for you.

    Take care.

    Audrey emoticon
    4480 days ago
  • CHRISTARTIST
    Thank you for sharing your poem....and I'd like you to post it to the CCED group as well.....
    I'm so glad that you are doing better....and I so hope the Fibro session comes to an end for you.
    I'm just learning about this FMS - and quite frankly, I'm a bit scared....but I'm glad I have sisters like you that are going through it, and looking to Jesus too.
    big hugs, and love,
    In his hands and under His wings,
    ~Christi
    4480 days ago
  • TRACYZABELLE
    Pami,

    I hope each day gets better for you! You deserve it!
    4480 days ago
  • CANDLEWIC9
    Hi Pami- I hope you will put the poem on the chit chat section of Christians with fibro

    Great poem- thanks for sharing your past with us. You are a writer and I am going to tell the people to look at your blogs.

    Hugs Sandi
    4481 days ago
  • LENGELKE
    Good Gosh, sometimes I think you are reading my mind! Get better and we'll be chatting soon. I love you, Pami!
    4481 days ago
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