Tough Talk Tip: Want the Thin Experience
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Want to be thin! Why does it take us so long to just want it? We imagine ourselves thin (at least I did. Anyone else do that?), and in our hearts, it's probably the No. 1 thing we would change about our physical appearance. But the work and time it'll take to succeed challenges our hearts' desire and we put it off. And then there's our history of recycling our excess pounds. It all adds up - to more weight and a mental roadblock in wanting to live the life of a slim person.
Yesterday, I experienced two new things as a slim person and I still can't get over them.
Let me start off with this sentence, which will seem disconnected to my story, but isn't: As a fat person, I picked up some habits I haven't yet learned to toss in the weight dumpster.
I walked to the post office a few blocks from my home (the same one I always drove to when obese) to deliver a package for my husband. As I opened the door, I caught the reflection of the woman behind me. Her skirt was a little short, but her legs were decent and she could get away with it. Out of habit of noticing every slim woman who ever crossed my path, I turned to look at her while holding the door open. She wasn't there. I let go of the handle and stood facing the same reflection; delight shivered up my spine. I envied my own legs.
Over the years, I had trained my eyes to avoid reflections in doors and windows. I couldn't bear seeing the body I sometimes loathed every time I turned around. Since my 50-pound loss, I continued the habit without realizing it.
Later that day, I played in our swimming pool with my 19-month-old granddaughter, in town for a brief visit. I rolled the cover back about seven feet as the two of us didn't need the whole pool. I wore the bikini my daughter gave me with: "Here Mom, it doesn't fit me. It's too small, but it'll look great on you." Who, me? In a bikini? I...don't...think...so. But it fit, and I've worn it a few times and found I wasn't self-conscious.
After I removed my charming, blue-eyed, blond curly-headed sweetie from the pool, I needed to lift myself out at the edge. I stood there for several minutes, wanting to go to the ladder like I always did. But that meant shoving the pool cover back further, then trying to maneuver it in place later, and no, too much work and I needed to keep an eye on Grandma's girl. I was going to have to hoist myself up, something I never did because even when in water, it took so much effort and so many tries, it embarrassed me. But, no one watched, so who cared?
I placed my hands on the coping, elbows bent. I pushed off with my feet and with all my might, launched myself over the edge and into the patio furniture a few feet away. My head hit a chair and my shoulder scraped along the deck before I stopped, legs up and wind knocked out of me.
I never considered it would be easy! I hadn't thought about my lighter weight. I had stood there bogged down with regrets I couldn't perform such a simple move.
I doubt I'll use the ladder much now, though I think I'll steer clear of the furniture.
It takes time to drop our fat baggage. I may be slim now, but it'll take awhile for my mind to catch up to my body.
Why did I wait so long to experience thin?
I wouldn't trade it for any amount of fame or wealth. I bet you wouldn't, either.
But first, you need to want it just about more than you want anything else.
You know me: want it today!