Why is it so hard to be happy?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I have a wonderful husband, and he loves me so dearly. But for the life of him, he can't seem to make me happy. Why you ask? Because, I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy with my physical looks, my inward personality or my life. For the past few months...maybe even years, I've been battling a war of trying to figure who 'I' am. What makes me me?
The majority of my life was spent living according to what everyone else wanted for me, mainly my mother. I'm a momma's girl so I would do whatever I could to make sure I didn't disappoint her too badly or cause her to be unhappy, even if it made me unhappy. Through the years, I found myself always trying to make sure others around me were happy, despite whether it made me happy or not. So now that I'm grown and living on my own, I've had to face a hard reality of realizing that I don't know who I truly am. I don't know what I truly like, I don't know what I truly want. I don't know me. And, now my husband is having to pay for it.
The past couple of days I've been down in the dumps because I feel like I've ruined my husbands life. And today I was actually disappointed that I even woke up. Before going to sleep last night I felt like if I were no longer here, it would make my life as well as my husband's life a whole lot easier. But here I am.
I used to be happy....I think. I remember I used to smile and laugh a lot more, but I'm not sure what happened to change that. I've never really had high self esteem, but it was better than how I feel about myself today. I used to have confidence in me. Now I only feel like a failure. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I feel so stagnant and stuck...not knowing what my purpose in life is. So why am I here? Why do I feel like such a waste of space and time?
Maybe it is just a bad spirit that has attacked me, as my husband told me this morning. All I know is that I feel trapped by something and can't seem to break loose from whatever it is holding me down. I want to be happy, but I don't really know how. I want to love myself, but I don't know how. I have to figure this thing out, and fast, because I don't want to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me....my husband.