CX1010

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Why is it so hard to be happy?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I have a wonderful husband, and he loves me so dearly. But for the life of him, he can't seem to make me happy. Why you ask? Because, I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy with my physical looks, my inward personality or my life. For the past few months...maybe even years, I've been battling a war of trying to figure who 'I' am. What makes me me?

The majority of my life was spent living according to what everyone else wanted for me, mainly my mother. I'm a momma's girl so I would do whatever I could to make sure I didn't disappoint her too badly or cause her to be unhappy, even if it made me unhappy. Through the years, I found myself always trying to make sure others around me were happy, despite whether it made me happy or not. So now that I'm grown and living on my own, I've had to face a hard reality of realizing that I don't know who I truly am. I don't know what I truly like, I don't know what I truly want. I don't know me. And, now my husband is having to pay for it.

The past couple of days I've been down in the dumps because I feel like I've ruined my husbands life. And today I was actually disappointed that I even woke up. Before going to sleep last night I felt like if I were no longer here, it would make my life as well as my husband's life a whole lot easier. But here I am.

I used to be happy....I think. I remember I used to smile and laugh a lot more, but I'm not sure what happened to change that. I've never really had high self esteem, but it was better than how I feel about myself today. I used to have confidence in me. Now I only feel like a failure. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I feel so stagnant and stuck...not knowing what my purpose in life is. So why am I here? Why do I feel like such a waste of space and time?

Maybe it is just a bad spirit that has attacked me, as my husband told me this morning. All I know is that I feel trapped by something and can't seem to break loose from whatever it is holding me down. I want to be happy, but I don't really know how. I want to love myself, but I don't know how. I have to figure this thing out, and fast, because I don't want to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me....my husband.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JULIA08
    CX1010--
    it's april 2011--i started the colonix cleanse &
    that is how i found this blog post.--WOW!!
    like the others you have read my mind!!
    in a sense it is great to know i am not along--
    but how horrible to know others have and are going
    through such struggles!
    my heart breaks for you because i have known that pain for
    so long---
    just when i think all is getting better--it dosn't :(
    i think the passing of my dad took me over the edge this time--just trying to work through it all.

    take care &i truly hope you are doing well!!

    3452 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/11/2011 7:39:01 AM
  • NEWMOMOVER40
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7Pk
    5YMkEcg

    emoticon
    Jennifer
    4266 days ago
  • FATCATTN
    I don't know why we have so much self-doubt and self-loathing. I think it satan trying to bring us down & trap us so we can't live our best life. I also think it's because we think if we like ourselves to much we are being conceited so we try to be modest.

    God made you. You are unique. You are the only YOU He made. That right there makes you pretty darn special. Your husband chose to spend his life with you as you are. He loves you so there must be plenty of things about you to love. Try looking at yourself through his eyes, through your friends eyes and through your families eyes. Talk to yourself like you would if you were giving advice to a friend that is down on herself. And most of all, give yourself a break.

    Life and growing isn't easy. Self discovery and growth doesn't often happen in good times. Just remember this to will pass and you will come out better and wiser.
    4280 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1620907
    Dear CX1010: I could have written your blog, too, when I was 26. It was a time of real emotional growth for me, and sometimes growth involves growing pains. The way you are feeling has a purpose, and the only way out of it is through it. Be gentle and kind and walk through it and you will come out the other side a gentle, kind and strong woman.

    Now (I'm 42) I still have the rare morning when I wake up feeling like it's not worth it. But I remember something I read in a book - God is in the details. And I get up and look for those details: the morning sky, how small my son's socks are, a fresh taste. And peace returns.
    4299 days ago
  • COREYMOODY
    When I read your blog, I felt as if your words were mine. I feel the same way about myself. Only, what I do is drink too much each night and take it out on him. He is an amazing man, he loves me for who I am. He is actually the first person, besides my Mom who has. This is a special and sacred thing.

    I'm not happy with myself either, but I know I am happy to be with him. I heard a song on the radio staion (it's a new song - by Kanye West, I think) that says something like we have to stop focusing on what we do not have and be happy/thankful for what we do have. I took that rap lyric to heart when I heard it - and I know my pain would be much deeper if I lost my best friend, my lover - my husband b/c I couldn't find love for myself, enough to give him the love he deserves and needs.

    I hope that you stand up and shake-off this funk you're in, you are beautiful, and you can do this! If I can - you can! I am going to leave my husband a cheesy little love note in his car tonight - just like when we were dating to tell him I love him. Let me know if you do too :0)
    4304 days ago
  • M.A.C.
    You are definitely not alone. I think everyone goes through this throughout their own lfie as they change and grow as a person. All you can do is take the time to do a little self reflection. Who do you want to be in the future? Why do you want to act this way? And so worth. It is really a difficult and philosophical question, but only you can take time to answer them. I would suggest taking the time to write and reflect in a journal or blog (if you wanted feedback), which will ultimately lead to a little bit of self discovery. Good luck and I am always here if you need to vent, ask or just need the support! Good luck! emoticon
    4304 days ago
  • VERONIGHT
    Oh Girl let me tell you...I thought for sure you took this straight out of my diary. My big questions for years now has been "How do you know who you are when you remove the mom, wife, sister, daughter, occupation?" I know I love my husband. I love my son. I dont know about myself. I try to be a good person. I try to work hard. I try to make sure that the water is filled in the water bowl for the cat. Why do I feel this way about me?
    I guess I wanted to say , YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
    4304 days ago
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