MORTICIAADDAMS
500,000-749,999 SparkPoints 661,185
SparkPoints
 

Got My Own "Goodie" Plus New Poll - tee hee

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I've been spending more time at home lately as I'm attempting to save money. I'm trying to make good use of my time so I started spring cleaning. Today I was cleaning out my big pantry and in the very back, hidden out of sight, I found an old block of "fine" chocolate that had somehow escaped detection.......... It was like finding the mother lode.

Apparently someone else had previously discovered the mother lode because it was open on one end and had some teeth marks on it. I guess chocolate isn't fatal to mice, like it is dogs, because there was no carcass alongside the bar.

The chocolate didn't look any worse for wear other than the teeth marks really - it wasn't furry or anything. It would in no way come close to the allowable rat hair parts per millions that are the norm in processed foods and it wasn't nearly disgusting enough to repulse me. I'm a nurse, it's really hard to sicken me.

In fact, I found myself very drawn to the bar on a level that I haven't experienced since prior to menopause, when Sean Connery and Paul Newman were in their prime. I liked it better than Johnny Depp and I like Johnny Depp a lot.

The chocolate bar started an inner tug of war between my highly developed Id, puny Ego, and almost non-existent Super Ego. (I know Freud is passé but I still appreciate his twisted little mind.)

As I fondled the bar I recalled my relatives talking about the Great Depression and how they had to consume weevil infested flour and cornmeal because they had no choice. Sometimes they ate, and loved, a half-rotten orange. The mildly contaminated chocolate I held in my hands paled in comparison. Maybe if the mouse had been dead at the end of the teeth marks I might have been repelled but that wasn't the case. Yes, the chocolate was potentially filthy but I reasoned that the current economic down turn was the worst since the depression and wasting food when people are starving in Africa, or even next door, could really be considered a sin. I've given up sin for Lent. I'm not actually Catholic, or of a faith that practices Lent, but I have known people who do.

A brief image of George Costanza on Seinfeld - the one when he got caught snacking on a half-eaten doughnut he fished out of the waste can - came into my head and I thought "How revolting!!" But my rodent gnarled chocolate bar was not quite dumpster-diving. I pushed the Costanza doughnut image right out of my head.

Granted, my morsel was nibbled on by a filthy mouse who probably had poor hygienic practices - he may have licked his butt like most animals do and trampled through his own booty pellets and peepee with his stinky little rat feet............but...........
........ the chocolate didn't smell or look funny.

And, I might add this mouse is our own personal house mouse. We live with him on a daily basis and probably encounter any number of things that he has wiped his feet and butt on. He's never complained about us that we know of and my husband, like most men, can be quite revolting at times. (Don't ask.) The mouse that ate part of this chocolate is practically one of our family. Almost a pet.

My pushy Super Ego reminded me that I'm on a diet. (Oops, I meant "way of life".) I really shouldn't imbibe......... but...........I'm on a MD prescribed diet halfway between South Beach and Low Carb and if I leaned more toward Arthur Agatston and less toward Robert Atkins and Michael Eades I could actually have some of that bar legally. Art, like me, is a chocolate connoisseur. Granted he probably uses the "fresh" approach but still yet he might be able to empathize to a point. And aren't the sparkpeople experts practically begging low carbers to consume more carbs in our food logs? (Atkins/Eades people hide your eyes and don't read the next statement.) With 23gm of carbs per serving this sucker is loaded with carbs!! And if we are honest, imbibing on a tiny bit of chocolate isn't like sucking down an entire half pint of tequila or something. I won't need to sign up for AA or do a 12 Step Program. Have a colon cleanse. I don't even smoke, drink, do drugs. I rarely curse. Can't I have even one tiny vice???? Just a tiny chocolate addiction hardly worth mentioning???!!! Sheesh!

Besides chocolate has beneficial qualities and some experts, who are probably on hallucinogenic drugs/high on pot, label it a health food. What if today my free radicals were going berserk and I didn't have the guts to consume the antioxidants available in that chocolate bar, all because it was a little bit crusty? Crickey!! I could end up with CANCER!!! And when you put it that way, would it be better to get cancer and spend months having surgery, radiation, chemo, a bone marrow transplant, and possibly die or would it be better to eat a few rat hairs attached to some chocolate?

The decision was easy. I detest cancer - I'm not ready to die. I decided to chip off the mouse gnarled part and see if aged chocolate is still good - a sort of scientific experiment. I mean what could I get from this - the plague? To be safe I decided to freeze it for while and slow down or render some of the germs defenseless. The nurse in me I guess. A throwback to sterile technique. I can't wait until it's ready.

Like sparkpeople I have decided to take a poll. I insist on honesty. Upon encountering the semi-disgusting bar of yummy chocolate I would:

a. Toss it in the waste can. I'm civilized and, by the way, I'm never eating at your house.
b. Scream and throw up. I hate mice. And, by the way, I'm never eating at your house.
c. Hide it from my family and eat it covertly in the bathroom or closet. Get back, it's mine.
d. Scarf it down immediately. I've had worse. I love weevil infested flour and half rotten oranges too. It's all good.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • AGRINGA19
    OMGosh i am ROFL!!!!
    This is the first of your blogs i have read but im gonna have to subscribe! you crack me up! and your a great story teller!
    And i think i would take a bite off the opposite end and then toss it. But i would eat at your house! yout property looks beautiful!
    3946 days ago
  • TWOKIWI
    ROFL!!

    I loved this blog! I can SOOOO appreciate your sense of humor.

    Your comment about nothing disgusts you had me smiling because in my family we have 3 nurses (1-OR, 1-postop Surgical, 1-Community IV but former post-op surgical) and 1 Pathologist....ummmm can you imagine our casual family get together thanksgiving meals??? Yeah...you know....shop talk...I mean what else do you talk about at the family meal table?? (Code Brown anyone?? and similar...!!)

    Also loved your description of the battle of the egos ! (I loved psychology !)

    I have taken your poll and I think for me it would be C)

    thx for the laugh-o-rama !!!

    -Kirsten
    3946 days ago
  • PRETTYHAPPY
    emoticon
    You need a cat?

    I've never read so much about the lure of chocolate before - you're hysterical and can write to beat the band. As for an answer: is it gluten-free and 70% or more cacoa? THEN I would pick ... nah, I'd pick A, I lived in UT and knew people with hantavirus .. mouse poo, even chocolate, scares me. Where's there's mouse, there's poo.

    I like that dessert mentioned below, by KTMORRILL, too. Can I crash that party?
    emoticon
    3947 days ago
  • KTMORRILL
    Were you a stand-up comedian in a former life? LOL

    I have an "E" choice also: I would toss the bar. Go to the super. and buy a bag of "Ghirardelli" bittersweet chocolate chips, fat free ricotta cheese, fat free topping and some almonds (or whatever flavor you like); and make us a yummy Ricotta Creme from the So. Beach Diet book. I would eat at your house, and offer that for dessert :o)

    My husband has made me: vanilla, almond, mocha, mint, banana, peanutbutter and lemon ricotta cremes. I am getting ready to try making a strawberry ricotta creme too.

    KT emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3947 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/30/2009 12:31:33 PM
  • JAY_DEE
    TOO FUNNY!!!

    My choice would be E (yeah, you didn't offer that one). I'd toss it then cry for the rest of the day!
    3947 days ago
  • JAY_DEE
    TOO FUNNY!!!

    My choice would be E (yeah, you didn't offer that one). I'd toss it then cry for the rest of the day!
    3947 days ago
  • MARIADALE
    I am still chuckling... as for the poll I have to ad an other category...i do not like chocolate, i would remove the evidence of the mouse nibble and leave it for the chocoholic in my family. After all wasting food is a sin!
    3947 days ago
  • SPARKNMOM
    Oh my gosh...TOO funny. I'm afraid I'd have to be an "a"...although I can certainly relate to your desire to eat carbs...even if they are slightly nasty!!
    3947 days ago
  • PRAIRIEDAWNPAM
    Wow. LOL I though I had a chocolate addiction. My answer is d. I might boil the bar in the microwave first just to kill some germs. I didn't know that freezing might work, too. That sounds better when it comes to preserving the integrity of the bar. Yes, we are definitely related. Mmm Chocoat ala Johnny Depp.

    ...Pam
    3947 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment


    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.