Old blog entry on new blog
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I wrote this on an old blog I deleted a while back, but I saved it so I could look at it now and again. This was before I really got motivated to do something about my weight, but still sat around thinking about how much I hated being fat. I've made notes next to items that have changed or no longer apply.
I'm fat. I've been fat for as long as I can remember. However, I've never been as fat as I am now. I am what the doctors and experts call "morbidly obese". It is humbling to even write that. This is the first time I have admitted it.
I'm a dancer. Yes, even though I'm fat, I am, in fact, a dancer and a very good one, at that. I could be better, though. I could be a lot better as a dancer if I wasn't carrying the weight of two dancers on one body.
I think about losing weight constantly. I do something about losing weight very little, and sometimes never. At this point in time, my dance classes and rehearsals are the only exercise I get, I eat and smoke like there is no tomorrow, and I put off yoga classes, meditation and other helpful activities until "tomorrow" or "next week".
I'm starting this blog for myself, to remind me about the things I want and the things I need, and also to remind me that there are a lot of things I want that I don't need. I'm putting it here on the internet so I can check it anytime, anywhere and it will be readily available to me, as long as I have access to a computer, when I need some motivation to stay on (or get back on) the weight loss horse.
Without further ado, here we go.
25 REASONS I DON'T LIKE BEING FAT:
1. I can't wear the clothes I really want to wear because (a) they don't come in my size, and (b) I would look hideous in them even if they did come in my size.
2. I HATE HATE HATE my belly rolls.
3. Attractive men do not find me attractive. AT ALL. EVER.
4. I can't walk up the stairs without becoming out of breath. Also, my heart nearly pounds itself out of my chest.
5. The last time I bought and wore a bathing suit, I was eleven years old. (I am 35 now.)
6. I love boots, but I can't wear them because my calves are too big.
7. When I wear skirts, I have to wear a pair of bike shorts underneath because my thighs rub together and will chafe, thus causing untold misery and suffering.
8. My arms are bigger than most people's legs.
9. My jaw line is not discernible.
10. I have a very hard time finding dance costumes that don't look utterly ridiculous on me.
11. The other dancers at the studio either (a) love it that a big girl is up there strutting her stuff or (b) whisper about me in the corner (as if I don't know that's what they're doing).
12. Someone once told me I reminded them of the "little fat seer lady from Poltergeist". Gee, thanks. Inside, I'm Trinity from "The Matrix". Outside, I'm a little fat dork. Awesome.
13. I really would be gorgeous if I wasn't fat. I look just like my grandmother looked in her thirties, I mean EXACTLY like her, and she was beautiful.
14. I HATE physically feeling like crap all the time.
15. I hate downing aspirin every day to try to fend off the impending heart attack that I will have if I don't do something about my weight and quit smoking. (HAVEN'T POPPED AN ASPIRIN IN AGES.)
16. No one ever asked me to go to prom. (HA HA!)
17. I hate it that the only men who hit on me are the ones who think I'm so desperate that I'll go for any man.
18. I avoid certain types of chairs because I am afraid I will break them if I sit down on them.
19. I have never worn a "little black dress".
20. Being fat brings up personal hygiene issues that thin people just don't ever have.
21. People stare at me. PEOPLE. STARE. AT. ME.
22. I can't ride horses.
23. I can't ride bicycles.
24. I can't skateboard.
25. I can't remember the last time a man kissed me or spoke to me in a romantic way and meant it.
25 THINGS I WANT TO DO
1. I want to wear a "little black dress".
2. I want to wear some hot, over-the-calf boots with that dress.
3. I want to ask a man out on a date.
4. I want to ride horses and bicycles and skateboards.
5. I want to feel good and young and healthy.
6. I want to look sexy when I'm dancing.
7. I want to wear sleeveless shirts and tank tops in public.
8. I WANT A FLAT STOMACH!
9. I want to hike and jog and walk up the stairs without running out of breath.
10. I want to travel to Europe and other places and not perpetuate the "fat American" stereotype.
11. I want beautiful, muscular, sculpted arms.
12. I want to be able to see my collarbones and my jaw.
13. I want to get married.
14. I want my mom to see me become thin, pretty and healthy before she dies.
15. I want the anonymity of normal weight.
16. I want to be a non-smoker. (DONE!)
17. I want to eat mindfully and healthfully.
18. I want my friends to be proud of me.
19. I want more tattoos.
20. I want to be able to shop at normal clothing stores.
21. I want to be able to buy more from dance supply shops than the one or two plus size items they carry.
22. I want beautiful hair.
23. I want attractive men to be attracted to me.
24. I want to be kissed. Frequently.
25. I want to live a long time.
25 THINGS I DO (OR DON'T DO) THAT ARE BAD FOR ME
1. I eat peanut M&Ms. (NOT SO MUCH ANYMORE...IN FACT, I'VE HAD ONE PACK IN THE PAST TWO MONTHS.)
2. I smoke at least one pack of cigarettes a day. (QUIT COLD TURKEY, HAVEN'T SMOKED IN OVER A MONTH.)
3. I do not exercise regularly. (I EXERCISE EVERY DAY NOW.)
4. I do not keep track of what I eat. (I WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING I EAT AND THEN ENTER IT ALL HERE.)
5. I do not eat enough fruits or vegetables. (THIS IS STILL TRUE, BUT AS NOT AS MUCH AS IT WAS WHEN I WROTE THIS.)
6. When I go to a restaurant, I order the most fattening things and I usually eat the whole plate. (NOT ANYMORE!)
7. I do not go jogging or go to yoga class because I am afraid of what people will say about me. (This one is just f8cking stupid, I know.) (I JOG NOW AND IDGAF WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT HOW I LOOK DOING IT.)
8. I recognize that I have an addictive personality, yet I do nothing about it.
9. I do not make the time to fit exercise into my life. (NOT TRUE NOW, IT'S MY SECOND JOB.)
10. I do not make the time to meditate every day.
11. I let my house become cluttered and chaotic. (MY HOUSE IS CLEAN AND TIDY NOW, AND HAS BEEN FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.)
12. I do not take care of my animals like I should.
13. I am very lazy.
14. I drink too much coffee.
15. I drink soft drinks. (HAVEN'T HAD SODA IN OVER A MONTH, EXCEPT FOR THE DIET COKE AT THE BUFFET THE OTHER NIGHT BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE WATER.)
16. I do not drink enough water.
17. I buy low-fat or no-fat foods and then eat two or more serving sizes. (I TRY TO STICK TO SERVING SIZES NOW.)
18. I do not cook enough.
19. I am in denial about my weight whenever there is the promise of food. (THE VOICES SCREAMING IN MY HEAD DO NOT LET ME DO THIS SO MUCH ANYMORE.)
20. I eat late at night.
21. I eat peppermint candies at work.
22. I buy my lunch every day instead of preparing something at home and taking it with me.
23. I do not write my feelings about food down enough.
24. I allow my feelings of powerlessness to overcome my willpower.
25. I do not discipline myself enough.
25 THINGS I WILL DO FROM NOW ON (AND IF I DON'T DO THEM, I WILL TRY AGAIN)
1. Restrict ingestion of Peanut M&Ms to one day a week. (MAKE THAT ONCE A MONTH.)
2. Cut back on smoking, eventually quit. (DONE!)
3. Draw up an exercise plan and stick to it. (DONE!)
4. Blog what I eat daily. (DONE!)
5. Eat at least one fruit and one veggie a day. (DONE!)
6. Make better choices at restaurants. Set aside half the meal at the beginning and take it home in a box.
7. Jog. Go to yoga class. Just do it. (GOT THE JOGGING, NEED TO DROP A FEW MORE POUNDS BEFORE YOGA IS FEASIBLE.)
8. Go to a shrink?
9. MAKE THE TIME to fit exercise into my life. (DONE!)
10. MAKE THE TIME to meditate.
11. Keep the house clutter free by cleaning each room for 10-15 minutes per day. (DONE!)
12. Walk the dog every morning, stop smoking in the house, keep the litterbox clean, make more time to play with my animals.
13. Fight against the laziness.
14. Drink less coffee.
15. Eradicate soft drinks from my diet. (DONE!)
16. Drink more water.
17. Continue to buy low-fat or no-fat foods, eat only the serving size.
18. Cook more. Buy less pre-packaged food.
19. Try to remember that I cannot eat like other people do because I am not them.
20. Don't eat after 9pm. (STILL HAVING ISSUES WITH THIS ONE.)
21. Leave the peppermint candies alone. Just because they are there, that does not mean I have to put them in my mouth. (NOT AN ISSUE ANYMORE.)
22. Take lunch to work instead of buying it every day.
23. Keep writing in this blog.
24. Remember that I am the only person who has the power to change my life.
25. Be compassionately hard on myself.
WORDS TO LIVE BY
You don't always have to buy things, put things in your mouth, or be delighted.