Kind of Crazy

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

I felt like I was getting back on track - I decided to try not to let single mis-steps ruin my entire day, to be completely and totally honest with myself and my goals, and to just take each day as a series of steps that need to be walked - the good and the bed and the mis-steps too.

I got the stair stepper I bought via UPS yesterday, assembled it and placed it in the office. I got up this morning with a plan - stay on track food wise and get in some exercise. I can't do more than 5 minutes on the stepper yet - but figured even 3 five minute rounds would be progress. I decided to do some cleaning and take out the mail. In the mailbox from yesterday was a thank you note from my husband's business partner thanking us for the gift we sent their new baby. They sent a picture of the baby. A picture. That messed up my entire day.

The bigger problem is that rather than working out my emotions about babies and things through cleaning or excercise, I came in the house and fried bacon. I ate bacon. I didn't plan on it - and I stopped before it went too far, but it was still a gut reaction that I had to my emotional state. I ate. I would have kept eating. I wanted to. I wanted to go and get a cake or make the rest of the bacon, and just stuff the sadness closed with something that tasted good going down. I want to drown it, or smother it, or light a fire under it with something that isn't going to be good for my diet. I know it isn't right, and I know it's irrational - but it's how I feel, and it's how I've always dealt with my emotions - good or bad.

I'm trying to blog to keep from binging. I'm trying to focus on the steps that will make up the rest of my day - trying to keep them as a clear path with less variation and side stepping. It doesn't make an onion ring sound less appealling.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Babysteps... love yourself, nurture yourself and I am so sorry that things are hard right now. I cannot say when or how they will get better, but I DO say I am so proud of you for blogging, for letting it out, for TRYING not to eat emotionally and to just go along with the good days, bad days and the mis-steps, etc... It's a process, maybe you can find the strength since you have blogged to go give that stair stepper a good 5 minute workout?
    3890 days ago
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