A little background before we get to the point. My husband and I got together in my freshman year of college. We dated for 7 years, living together for 3, before we got married. Currently we have been separated for 2.5 years. I was with a guy for 1 year but we broke up a year ago when I moved from Maryland to Delaware. So I have been alone for a year now. I am in a really great place now, physically and mentally. I really want someone in my life. Of course it would be wonderful to find that person that would really make life special, alas no such luck. Every guy I meet tells me " I am not looking for a serious realationship" or "I don't want a girlfriend". Of course they still want sex. I am still living in the high school mindset of sleeping with a guy your are not in love with= your a slut. I know this is silly, but I haven't dated since high school. I keep telling these guys to kiss off, but is that the right thing to do? Am I being a dreamer, a romantic? or is there hope that this man of my dreams will come around soon? Am I doing the right thing or should I get over it and just do it (to be blunt?) Any input from my dear spark friends would be so appreciated!!! Thank you so much! XXOO
I remember the point when I ended an eight year relationship that was not working. I agree with others that say, you need closure in your marriage. If it is over, it needs to be finalized.............which at this point it may already be and if so then good. A man will take you more seriously in terms of wanting a long-term relationship once you legally finalize it.
I was dating a guy that was awful to me and the only time we ever got along was in the bedroom. I wanted more than just that.
Many women value sex differently and at different points in their lives. I knew what I wanted right away. I wanted the relationship and I wanted to find someone who shared those goals with the same common interests that I have.
I figured looking for him throughout my everyday hustle and bustle might be too difficult. I was a full time student, I worked on campus, and most men I saw from day to day did not even give me a second look because I was overweight.
So I went to eharmony. I found the most wonderful guy that I have ever met. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. I have never gotten along with a guy better. Thanks to that website, I found someone I can be with and he is my best friend.
Online dating services aren't for everyone but if you are really serious about finding someone, I would consider it. 4125 days ago
Do what feels right but my only advice is if you're hesitant because you think you may regret it, more than likely you will. Nothing is lost in waiting for someone really special, and tying up loose ends with the ex may be the best first step.
Good Luck!! You look amazing and it looks like you've taken a HUGE step for yourself...you deserve it!
Just discovering your blog, so this is an responding to an old post with a title that caught my eye (eh, or some bodypart...). In any case, I am a guy, so my perspective might be different, but that is okay. You have to seek your happiness in your own way. I really do not believe there is one answer for everyone. I will say that I have never had sex with a women that I had just met, but I have had relationships when we both knew we were just enjoying the time together and were friends but not long-term romantic partners. But the important thing is that we were both on the same page, and we communicated honestly about it, and we were friends who respected and loved each other, albeit not as long-term romantic partners. Oh, and there are lots of guys out there who DO want a commitment, if that is what you are looking to find. If you are ready for that, may you find the man of your dreams. 4137 days ago
I have to start with a question...Separated for 2.5 years? Your mind-set and aura will certainly change, once your marital status does. You may not realize it, but you are sending signals to these men, without even speaking. It is my opinion, you are the one that is unable to commit by keeping your marriage within arms-reach. Most importantly, YOU are the only one, that can make your life special! Men or relationships are simply enhancers, until there is a union! The sex-thing...if it works for you, do it! Safely! Honestly! Maturely! You are in control! Have fun! 4137 days ago
Companionship is an important part of a healthy life. So, whether it’s a romance that could potentially lead to someone permanent in your life or just something casual to occupy your time, companionship is necessary. I have love in my life and I am glad I found it. Before I found it, I felt as you did. You have to make decisions that are good for you and in your best interest. As long as you make wise and safe choices and the other person knows your honest and true feelings – meaning you should not lead someone on if your feelings are not the same as theirs – then I say do what feels right.
You’re the only one who must live your life, so make the most of it. You can’t turn back time if you have regrets later. So, think it through and go forth with what you feel is right.
Provided you are comfortable and don't regret ANY decisions you make and are of course safe, do what feels right. If you can have a sexual relationship with a man and have it be just that, sex, AND not feel guilty about it, go for it. There is nothing to feel guilty about if you are honest, careful and being respectful to yourself and your partner. Good luck! 4140 days ago
You got some GREAT advice on your blog. It is tough. Being a single Mom, too. Unlike you, I still have weight to lose. I used to think I had to have sex with a guy, in order for him to like me. Of course, once I did, they hung around a few times. Now they are in relationships and I am the one left standing alone.
I know what I am going to do. Do you? 4147 days ago
I know this blog is older, but I am going to post this anyway. Years ago I figured out there are men you "do" and men you marry and it is up to you to know the difference. Do not try to change a man that is not the marrying one. Period. I have been married 23 years now, but I have seen plenty of my friends go about their lives with blinders on.
I don't think there is anything wrong with "just dating" but you need to be a grown up and accept the terms of the contract. At least the guys are telling you in advance.
I think the real deal is worth waiting for, but I know that sometimes a person just wants adult companionship. I think it would leave me lonelier than ever.
MY DH, he was so wonderful from the get go, and I turned him down, dated a good friend of his, showed little interest. That made him work harder to get me. My point is this: When a MAN, a REAL Man is interested in a woman, he gets very creative and determined. WAIT FOR THAT, and you will always be VALUED.
ah my two cents... i didn't read all the replies but i read your post and just wanted to add that you are not alone... i am currently in a relationship with the kind of man I have always wanted... but we both made a lot of bad choices before, spent time with people who were not for us... to get to the point where we were able to build something together...
nowadays it seems that people are really comfortable having sex and not investing anything else in the relationship... I feel like a lot of men (and i mean men, i date older and i am so surprised how THEY act like THEY are in high school, sleeping around, always wanting something new and not really connecting with people... immature, IMHO)... but hey some people are really ok with just being physical... if that's what you want or what would work for you, I say go for it with no guilt or shame... you're grown, kwim :)
but i think if you want more (and you seem to) you should not lose hope... not settle for less than what you deserve and one thing both my partner and i really understood before we got together is if you waste time with the wrong one, you may end up letting the right one pass you by...
all the best... i have honestly told my best friends that if this relationship doesn't last I won't be out there dating at all, i had some horrible experiences so i really get where you are at... and we deserve the best now :) 4149 days ago
Wow I certainly can relate to your blog. I too am in a similar situation with boys. I am 34, single and feel like I am in my late teens with all this dating stuff. It's just craziness! I say go with whatever you feel and are ready for. I get the same thing from guys. Nobody seems to want a relationship these days and to be honest I don't know if I am even wanting one myself after getting the weight off. If you want to be with a guy and you feel good about it then I say go for it. I wouldn't settle though. Don't be with one just for the sake of it if you are not really into him. You can do so much better than that! I am glad I came across your blog! I don't feel so alone on this one anymore! I am in the middle of writing some blogs myself about all this boy stuff and how it has messed with my head a bit. I'm hanging in there and waiting for my Prince Charming though. This Fairy Princess isn't going to settle and neither should you! He'll come along. Just have faith and believe and he will. One of my friends told me to stop chasing boys and start chasing fun instead and the rest will happen. It was good advice! All the best!! Bel :) 4156 days ago
There are already to many whores around, also too many drugs and alcohol, too many liars and married men who are out cheating on their pregnant wives etc, too much low down acts around full stop! Honestly you might as well have a sex toy as just sleeping with someone! Sex is not just physical its also mental, wait for that prince! 4156 days ago
I took off several years and tried to learn just to like being with myself and not depending upon a man. Yes, sometimes I got really lonely, but most of the time I tried to remind myself of the freedom I had and made use of it. During this 2 years period, I have been able to lose 40lbs and tone. This is the first time in my life when I haven't immediately gained back the weight. I will say that after 2 years, I was ready to get back into another "test" and it is with someone I have known for a really long time. I am glad that I didn't go out and start sleeping with whomever just to satisfy my loneliness. I think it has paid off. I am not saying that a one night stand is wrong--far from it--I am saying that I really took the time out to find me and appreciate all that life has to offer. I wish you the best--- ps- I think I might have found my prince charming-but I have waiting for a very long time. 4163 days ago
I don't believe that this is a high school mindset. I think this is plain good morals. There is nothing wrong with waiting for a relationship with someone you care about. and I know from personal experience that settling for less makes you feel really low about yourself. I settled after being single for 3 years and just slept with someone and it still stings when I think about how "low I sunk" believe me it is better to be alone than to lose your feeling of self worth! It is important about how you feel not others! Mary 4164 days ago
I have the same problem about finding someone special. Like others have said, you can't look for it.....love WILL find you! As far as wanting to have sex....take care of it yourself. If you do have a one night fling, the least of your worries should be if someone is going to call you a slut.....think about another pregnancy, herpes, aids and all the other std's you could contract! Be careful! 4165 days ago
I think that intimacy is taken for granted too much nowadays. With the advent of internet porn sites and online communinities where one can be as blunt as they want to be we are slowly (or quickly) becoming a society where the focus is on sex...
... not love ... not relationships
Slowly but surely the courtships and human factors are being replaced by a 'Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am' mentality with regards to love and sex.
Less: "Hello ma'am welcome to our restraunt... let me get your chair. Would you like to see a menu or try an appetizer?"
And More: "Thank you drive through!"
I think you should wait until you have found someone that you at least feel a connection to emotionally (as well as physically of course!) because then the sex will be that much better. But, then again I guess I am of the old school mentality and can count the number of partners I have had on one hand even though I had a very wild and party filled youth before I got married.
It also helped that I seem to go "full retard***" when I am around a girl I am attracted to (ask my wife and how we met LOL!)
**** DISCLAIMER **** No offense was meant to people who have disabilities in this post, I just couldn't find a better way to express myself. 4165 days ago
I see you've received excellent advice....so I guess I'm not gonna say any different. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to hold out for excellence. You have to be sensitive about who you let into your life and your soul....bad relationships leave residual stains on your life that sometimes taint the next relationship and so on....I say hold out for excellence you are SOOOOOO worth it mamacita!!! 4166 days ago
Oh…my dear, I have been in your exact same spot. I was married at 20 (just turned 20 5 days prior) and had been with him since 18. He was not my first. But I was with him and only him from 18 until 25, when we separated. After we separated I had Erica. It was just us, and I was a lonely woman. I talked to someone for several months and then decided to have sex with him without being in a relationship. What I found out that same night we did it was that he was doing it to someone else as well. I was so hurt I went and did the same thing. Now I was a lonely woman who had sex with 2 guys and had no one to show for it. I left guys alone for some time before I entered a relationship and got screwed again. At this point my daughter was only 1 so she had no real knowledge of what was going on. But I had finally reached a point where I decided that this was not what I wanted for me and definitely not what I wanted for her. I met my current husband when she was 1 and a half. We took it slow He respected me, and he respected my daughter. And I felt sure that he was in it for the long run. I knew that having another relationship of just sex was not for me anymore and it was not something I could do and feel I was setting a good example, even if she had no idea.
My point is…you know what is good for you. You know what you want for you and what you want for your daughter. And I am pretty sure you don’t want guys in and out of your lives. I say wait. And like the guy a few down said, nothing wrong with finding another way in the meantime lol. Stay strong Marisol. You are a gorgeous woman who has a Mr Right coming soon who will respect you and love you.
If your lil Miss W were in your shoes...what would you want HER to do? What do you want her to see Mommy do? Lil ones are really perceptive and know what's going on, so I definitely didn't bring someone I didn't plan on having a relationship with anywhere near him (My son was 2 when my ex and I got divorced). But then, by the same token, when my parents divorced, my mom never found another relationship. We always encouraged her, to no avail. By the time my sister and I were in college, we were trying to set her up LOL. We just wanted Mom to be happy. We ALL have needs, ya know? If you decide you CAN sleep with someone you're not in love with (some of us are just not meant to be good-time gals, no matter how much we wanted to be like our girlfriends in college*cry* *LOL*) be SAFE above everything else! 4167 days ago
I've had a very similar experience to OMAHA30.
I ended a very serious relationship at age 23 and was single until I was 26. During those three years that I was single, I was so lonely and pessimistic about ever finding a guy who wanted more than just sex. I will admit I got promiscuous during that time, but I was so lonely and craved closeness.
It's a TOTAL cliche, but true in my case - I stopped looking, and that's when real love found me. When I met the man who would become my boyfriend (soon to be fiance), I wasn't even looking for anyone, but we just clicked. The timing was right and WE were right. It just happened.
I don't regret having done some fooling around while I was single...but I am so glad that I'm in a loving relationship now. 4167 days ago
Hi there! I've never met you, but here's my advice :)
I wouldn't sleep with anyone that is JUST looking for sex. If you get into a relationship with someone, then you should want to have sex with them (obviously) and you shouldn't feel like a slut as long as you two are monogomous!
I know I had this problem for a very long time.. every guy I met didn't want to be in a relationship and only wanted to have sex with me. But I waited it out and decided I should just try to make new friends. I met my current boyfriend with the expectation we would become friends, and turns out we were made for each other and he's definitely my "one". So maybe drop your expectations a little and just enjoy dating right now.. but definitely don't sleep with the jerks that just are looking for sex from you!
nice to meet you by the way ;) - Laura 4167 days ago
Think about where you are meeting these men. That may be part of the problem. Very few "good" men are found in a bar type setting. The "right" guy will show up when you stop looking outward and start looking at taking care of your emotional needs inwardly. You are a gift, and should only be given to a person who has earned the right to get that gift. Don't sell yourself short. You are better than that. 4167 days ago
Don't have sex with just anyone. It is way too intimate. Let them take you to do things, share your MIND. Take your time, do not settle, this is YOUR LIFE. I didn't meet anyone until I was in my 50's and yes, I did marry earlier and had two children, then divorced, which is horrid, and stayed single. On my terms, which were not always the best. Save your money if you can and be independant. Women friends are so important! 4167 days ago
Another guys perspective ...opinion whatever! You are working hard to make your life better for you, your family and your daughter. I am a romantic but I have a terrible time with patience when it comes to love. I like being "in love" as much as making it. Where are you looking for the right guy? What standards are you holding against him? I am pretty confident but a strong woman ...well its partially respect and partially me being romantic I want to make them happy but I am not good at approaching ..if your a strong independent woman the shyness in me comes out. I am not weak but the fear of rejection is overwhelming ...I know I am out of shape but I am working on it. I got 2 boys ...long term instant family anyone? You get to decide who enters your bed and who becomes either a companion or partner. You have the power to wait till "he" (mr. forever) comes along or feeling the 6 pack of mr. right now As a side note ...and please don't take this wrong way ...get a good vibrator. A jackrabbit or something its part of you being healthy and taking care of you. 4167 days ago
Well its all up to you and the guy you are with. I do not think that sleeping with someone necessarily means you are a slut. If you have feelings for them (and they have feelings for you) then sex is good. Now, I do not think that sleeping with every guy you date is a good idea but if you find someone who you think is worth it, then do what you will. Just use your best judgement and things will work out. Good luck!!! 4167 days ago
One thing, just have faith. I was single and in short term relationships for years, and always have been a hopeless romantic in search of love. Fooled around a lot, and sometimes thought that i was sooo alone and would never find that special person. I found that person when i was 30 and did not get married until 33. I know have 3 chldren and a wife that I am happy to say, was waiting out there all along. So much can change in a few years. One thing I learned is that, sometimes the right person is definately worth the wait. If you are a slut until then, or not, just depends on what YOU want or how YOU have fun. Remember though. Its usually when you realize that you cant force love and need to enjoy life and love yourself, that love comes along and finds YOU. Have faith, and while you are single, love yourself like you want to be loved. 4167 days ago
You answered it yourself. In your mind you would be a slut if you did just sleep with someone without the ties that need to be there to make it important. You would feel terrible after and probably hate the whole experience. Trust yourself! We need to believe that we do know what is good for us and act upon it! You have our encouragement to do what you know is right! 4167 days ago
You are doing the right thing. Keep telling these 'guys' to 'kiss off.' You deserve a lot more from a guy than just a roll in the hay. If that is all that he is interested in, send him packing. He is NOT the guy for you.
You probably view sex as something that is special. And it is!! A chemical called oxytocin is release during sex and causes you to bond with your partner. I think that perhaps sleeping around with guys who aren't interested in anything more than having fun could end up hurting in the long run. If a guy is actually interested in you, he'll want it to go further than casual dating or at least be open to a future relationship. I know it's hard to wait it out, but trust me, it's completely worth it!! On the other hand, I don't think it would make you a slut, but I really don't think it's what you want. 4168 days ago
There's nothing wrong with the old-fashioned mind-set of wanting to be in a relationship before you sleep with a guy! You're a strong, beautiful girl .... these guys who just want to have a good time... they aren't worth the ground you walk on! You command respect and there's nothing wrong with that! That just proves you are strong on the inside as well as the outside!
I know it's hard to be alone ... and there's things that are missed! :) It'll just make it that much sweeter when you do meet the right one.
Hang in there sister! :)
Suz 4168 days ago
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