i am an angry woman
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I am going to write this as if no one is reading it...so do not read if you dont want the reality of what is running through my head. I more or less need a spot to vent. Scream through typing if you will.
i have spent a lifetime trying desparately to be loved and love myself. i never seem to love myself. i treat myself like sh*t all the time. even when i try, i only give it a half ass try. i feel like this time i am giving my all as much as i can and i am feeling worse than ever.
i am married for the second time and this time feels just as lonely as the last. he works all the time. 15 hours days with a total of 90 minutes in driving to add on top of it. we barely have talked this week. i hate that. i hate his job. i hate that they have him more than me. maybe i am jealous that they have him more. i told him yesterday i was depressed. it was our only day together this week and i was depressed. not sure why on this particular day but i woke up that way. he didnt respond. did not ask why. it was almost as if he didnt care. we took my daughter to her best friends bday party. had an alright time. we were supposed to do this. he knew it all week. but he wanted to see his best friend. and so he pouted a little as he told him we would have to chill together with him in the evening instead of earlier. i told him he would be the biggest ass if he let erica down when he told her he was going with her to the party. really he knew i would give him hell if he let her down cause it wouldnt be the first time. after what seemed like an ok day it got to the part where we meet up with his friend but now we cant get a hold of him. not my fault, not ericas fault but somehow we get the attitude for the whole rest of the night. i asked him to read her a book for bedtime and he even had an attitude with that. told he he didnt read to girls who dont listen when told to do something (she took to long to get her pull up on for bed). why could he just not let it go and read a book to her and give me a break. nope, too hard. so like always, i read the book, i feed the baby, i get to do it all, and i get to have a sh*tty night sleep with a baby who is having tummy issues all while sleeping next to the man i want to punch in the face for being a complete as*hole ( i love this censoring thing...)
i wake up this morning and feel just as bad. not only have i not lost any weight in 2 weeks...today i gained a pound. my clothes dont fit so i am still in maternity clothes and they look like crap now. i cant exercise cause of my damn ankle although i am pretty sure that a few percocets might make exercise bareable. i am going for a bike ride in a little bit when my parents come back. hopefully it is easy on my ankle. maybe it will help me feel better. if nothing else it will break me free of the kids for 30 minutes. i love my babies, dont get me wrong, but i have them all the time. my only break is for 4 hours mon through fri while i watch other peoples kids during camp. not really a break at all. i give up my 2 for 10-14 others...
i am so sick of everything. and the more depressed i get, the more i want to dive into a whole cheesecake or something of the sort. it is in my great depressions that i am able to binge. it doesnt happen any other time. and if i cave right now i will hate life even more cause i will gain even more. i feel trapped, mentally and physically. and i am angry.