i am an angry woman

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I am going to write this as if no one is reading do not read if you dont want the reality of what is running through my head. I more or less need a spot to vent. Scream through typing if you will.

i have spent a lifetime trying desparately to be loved and love myself. i never seem to love myself. i treat myself like sh*t all the time. even when i try, i only give it a half ass try. i feel like this time i am giving my all as much as i can and i am feeling worse than ever.

i am married for the second time and this time feels just as lonely as the last. he works all the time. 15 hours days with a total of 90 minutes in driving to add on top of it. we barely have talked this week. i hate that. i hate his job. i hate that they have him more than me. maybe i am jealous that they have him more. i told him yesterday i was depressed. it was our only day together this week and i was depressed. not sure why on this particular day but i woke up that way. he didnt respond. did not ask why. it was almost as if he didnt care. we took my daughter to her best friends bday party. had an alright time. we were supposed to do this. he knew it all week. but he wanted to see his best friend. and so he pouted a little as he told him we would have to chill together with him in the evening instead of earlier. i told him he would be the biggest ass if he let erica down when he told her he was going with her to the party. really he knew i would give him hell if he let her down cause it wouldnt be the first time. after what seemed like an ok day it got to the part where we meet up with his friend but now we cant get a hold of him. not my fault, not ericas fault but somehow we get the attitude for the whole rest of the night. i asked him to read her a book for bedtime and he even had an attitude with that. told he he didnt read to girls who dont listen when told to do something (she took to long to get her pull up on for bed). why could he just not let it go and read a book to her and give me a break. nope, too hard. so like always, i read the book, i feed the baby, i get to do it all, and i get to have a sh*tty night sleep with a baby who is having tummy issues all while sleeping next to the man i want to punch in the face for being a complete as*hole ( i love this censoring thing...)

i wake up this morning and feel just as bad. not only have i not lost any weight in 2 i gained a pound. my clothes dont fit so i am still in maternity clothes and they look like crap now. i cant exercise cause of my damn ankle although i am pretty sure that a few percocets might make exercise bareable. i am going for a bike ride in a little bit when my parents come back. hopefully it is easy on my ankle. maybe it will help me feel better. if nothing else it will break me free of the kids for 30 minutes. i love my babies, dont get me wrong, but i have them all the time. my only break is for 4 hours mon through fri while i watch other peoples kids during camp. not really a break at all. i give up my 2 for 10-14 others...

i am so sick of everything. and the more depressed i get, the more i want to dive into a whole cheesecake or something of the sort. it is in my great depressions that i am able to binge. it doesnt happen any other time. and if i cave right now i will hate life even more cause i will gain even more. i feel trapped, mentally and physically. and i am angry.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, I really felt your pain coming through this post. I just want to give you a hug. I've been in the same emotional state as you--different circumstances, but the same type of feelings and reactions. (If you haven't already check out my page and some of my first blog posts for more info about that).

    I know what an ugly monster depression is. It's horrible. Have you ever considered taking some medication? I know medication DRASTICALLY helped me. I didn't have to be on it for that long, but I tell you what, if I EVER start feeling even SLIGHTLY depressed like that again I will RUN to the nearest doctor and get back on some meds.

    I've never been married, so I can't pretend to know what it's like, but I can tell you right now that I wouldn't be impressed AT ALL if my husband copped an attitude over the VERY reasonable requests you have for him. I have to agree with a previous comment that it sounds like he needs to man up. A husband should be supportive of his wife and cherish her, and it doesn't really sound like you're feeling that way.

    I don't think you should make any excuses for him that he goes out and works long hours and you stay home all day. I can see you doing the housework and the chores as part of your "job" as a stay-at-home mom, but your kids need their daddy to be an active and INTERACTIVE part of their lives--ESPECIALLY if he's gone so much.

    My dad always came home to us right after work, and there were times when he'd work a 10 hour day. No visiting buddies, no stopping at the bar. He came home and spent time with his family.

    I remember when I was little, my dad was the one who read me bedtime stories. It was our special time to bond (and I'm convinced it's the reason I did so well in school and am such a fan of reading today!) And even if that holds no interest for him, then he should be doing something else, some other activity that's just for HIM and the kids--an opportunity for him to give them that special one-on-one attention that they absolutely NEED from a dad, and a chance for you to have a bit of time for yourself, which YOU absolutely need.

    I think you definitely need to spell it out to him what needs to happen here, and if he still has attitude or refuses to start helping out, suggest some marriage counseling. If he refuses to do that, then maybe you could go by yourself. (Perosnally, I'd recommend a Christian counselor--someone who's going to address the things going on with your spirit--having Christian counselor vs a secular counselor was like night and day for me when I was dealing with the garbage in my life.)

    Anyway, there's definitely a time and a place for you to be unselfish and giving in your relationship, but at some point you also need to take care of YOU...because apparently he's not doing that.

    Anyway, please feel free to give me a shout anytime you want to vent. Like I said, I haven't been in your exact shoes, but I've delt with the emotions you're expressing, and it's a heck of a ride, isn't it?
    4209 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/16/2009 5:04:06 PM
    I this for you and your children. Don't let others determine how you live and how you feel everyday. I learned through bad relationships in my past that the way I feel and my outlook on life is really up to me. There is always a positive side to every situation....and you have to think about what that positivity is, rather than focus on the negative. You are worth it!
    4212 days ago
    Cheryl..don't let your husband do this to you.
    I know it is hard when you are doing everything yourself..but your husbands issues are just that..HIS..don't make them yours as well.

    And whatever you do, don't cave in to eating that cheesecake, I know you will find a bit of comfort while eating it, but stop and think about the after will you feel about it then.

    You are a strong woman, and you are a beautiful woman, go look in the mirror and you will see that...just give to yourself once in awhile, I know raising children makes it tough, but you have to, or you will stress out even more.

    I am glad you are venting here and getting things off your chest, keeping it in makes things ever worse.
    And with the ankle thing...can you walk at all and for how long...just take a some walk , then do some strength exercises, like crunches, wall pushups, bicep curls, things that don't affect the are going to make it and I am here to cheer you on every step of the way!

    Now go get em beautiful!
    4212 days ago
    I couldn't say anything better than what everyone else has already said! Loneliness I do understand, I have been single so long I don't remember what it was like to have someone to be angry with, maybe its a good thing, i guess. Hope you feel better soon and remember you are worth being treated good and so are your children. Take care, I hope everything works out for you.
    4213 days ago
    Everyone is so supportive. I agree with what they say. You are a wonderful person. Imagine you meeting you on the street. You'd probably want to get to know her and would not judge her size or shape. You'd also think. what a sweet, caring, intelligent, genuine person.
    Hang in there. Take care of yourself....your kids will benefit from that more than anything else. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    4213 days ago
  • PATTYS74
    Hey Cheryl,
    All of these people have such good advice for you. Remember you are worth taking care of. When you diet or exercise do it for only one person, you and you alone. Then people can't bring you down. Let it make you work harder because you are doing it for you and you are so worth it. Tell the hubby how you are feeling and see if you can't come to some kind of understanding. You probably still have a little of those post baby blues too. This will pass sooner or later but while you are waiting keep on letting off your steam in your blogs. We are listening. emoticon
    4213 days ago
  • JLBART74
    WOW!! You had a lot to say. I know it sucks but there are a few things to think about.

    His attitude I would be telling him about.

    As for him only being home for a little bit. My husband goes to work (at night), comes home, goes to bed, gets up for an hour or so and then leaves for work again. So We dont see each other much.

    You are stressed. Your weight will continue to stay where its at as long as you hold onto this in your head. You may have written it down but you will have to talk to him about it eventually. Otherwise you will be mizerable.

    I guess that Im a bit open minded when it comes to him and his friends. If he says he wants to go then I let him go. Heck he works I dont. Im not saying that I let him go if we already have plans but he needs down time too. Think about that. We take care of the kiddos.

    Who knows maybe Im stuck in the 50's

    4213 days ago
    You know, girlfriend, to me it sounds like you have a right to be angry but don't take your anger out on yourself by eating the wrong foods.

    No offense, but it sounds like it's time for your husband to man up and leave the "single" life behind. Priorities, ya know.

    4213 days ago
    Cheryl - I have been where you are, and it sucks, but you can't let that keep you from who and what you want to be. I know you can't exercise a whole lot. But I have learned to turn my food binges in to exercise or something positive binges. Think of something besides eating that makes you happy. And have it handy, ready to take the place of food. Whether it is something to do, read, reminders of why you are doing this or what ever it takes. Let me know if you every want to talk

    4213 days ago
    You know what, Cheryl? Sexygirlie said it best. Treat YOU like gold because you deserve it. You always have a kind word to say to one of us. Turn those same encouraging, supportive words toward yourself. I actually really know how you feel and one thing I can do is send you positive thoughts and hugs.

    Take care of yourself. It'll get better.

    4213 days ago
    Cheryl, I am so sorry about all you are going through. My husband doesn't work that many hours, I do. But, I am very lonely in our marriage. He is always too busy for me. I am sending you a big HUG! We just have to take care of ourselves. That is all we can do. We cannot let them determine our self worth. You are a wonderful person and you should treat yourself like gold! Please, take care of you. Don't let anyone bring you down.
    4213 days ago
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