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So Different

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Wow.... I Just was looking through the pictures of when lyra was first born, It was only this past november but I look at these pictures of myself and Im not even the same person. Its so weird because I dont feel any different .... I mean physically I feel great, I dont hurt anymore, I can get in and out of the bath tub with no problem, I can wash my entire back .... I can reach my left ass cheek with my right hand (there was so much back fat before I was having problems reaching the middle of my ass let alone the other side, tell me that wont cause some issues! ).

The biggest thing I think is my face, my cheeks were so full and I had the whole double chin thing going on and just look generally unhealthy. I dident realize it though. I realized I was fat and I realized I dident look good body wise but I never really noticed how big my face was, how bogged down I looked from being so overweight. It makes me sad to think of myself like that, it actually brings tears to my eyes to think of ever being that way again.

I have a long long way to go still but I can really say honestly I have come a long way so far even only losing 35 pounds. I feel better, I look better, I have cheek bones! Im excited to live the rest of my life and Im excited to see how I will look once I get to goal.

Is it weird that I am a bit affraid of what I will look like too? Dont get me wrong, I know I will look good, I know I will be happy with how I look but I cant help but have this small twing of fear inside of me. I dont know why but the closer I get to the 200 pound mark the more the fear grows. The fear of the unknown perhaps.... I have never been thin, I have never known what it feels like, I dont know what I will look like.... its all a surprise.

You know I looked at the pictures of lyra's first bath and my arms and hands looked so different then, alot more rounded.... My arms now are so much thinner... Its weird cause I look down and they dont feel like my arms or hands. I look in the mirror at myself sometimes and go "who is that?" Im starting not to even recognize myself! I think maybe thats what scares me.... its not really a fear more of a suspense, like I dont know whats going to happen next. I dont know what it is, I dont understand it, Im just trying to deal with it.

I wonder if anyone eles has ever felt like this.


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  • RGIRL86
    Oh my god I'm not crazy for worrying about how different I will look when I lose weight. Thank you so much for posting this blog. I really did think I was the only crazy person who could have a fear of that unknown and what I would look like. So much of what you write sounds so familiar to my own feelings regarding my weight and life. Reading your story has really been reassuring to me that I can do this.
    3158 days ago
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