Wednesday, July 29, 2009
as crazy as this is going to sound. i'm kind of proud of myself for making it to day two. i really hope to find support and stuff so that i have the motivation to stick with it and commit to doing this.
yesterday was an interesting day. my doctor had asked me a while back if i'd be interested in participating in a study she knew of. i agreed but hadn't heard back about anything. last week i got a call from the university of michigan and the lady gave me more information about the study. it was a study that was in conjunction with stanford university and was following the patterns related to mood and memory - specifically major depression and memory. i had to go to a screening and interview. the whole process took about two hours and the questions and scenarios got rather personal.
at the end of the interview the lady turned off the tape recorder and closed her book and said 'im sorry but it doesn't look like you are going to qualify for this particular study'. ugh. i know this is going to sound crazy, but i thought that maybe if i qualified for this study i could get help that way. i dont know whats wrong with me, so i was hoping that what i was feeling and experiencing internally would be impacted by whatever activities this study required. i was hoping that this was my chance for a change - not in relation to my ed, but rather in my personality.
lately things have gone really down hill. ive been missing a lot of work, sleeping 10 hours or more. i dont do anything. i even cancelled my gym membership. i used to love going to the gym. now i go home from work and just feel exhausted, physically and mentally. for example, on monday i didn't make it to work until after 10:30. i'm supposed to be there at 6:30. i didnt even care. i just didnt have the motivation to do anything. i heard the alarm go off, but just rolled over and turned it off and went back to sleep. it isn't like me. around six when i got home, i laid on the couch, didn't move and fell asleep again until my husband got home around 10:00.
these feelings are starting to take a toll on my work, on my family, on me... i was just really hoping that this study would offer me help. i don't know how to go to my family doctor and say ... 'im feeling sad lately'... or ... 'im missing a lot of work lately and dont know why'... she'll say... 'why are you being so lazy?!'...
anyway, the lady at the study said the reason i didn't qualify for the study was because my evaluation deemed that while i may definitely exhibit signs of major depression, i would fall more under the category of manic depressive. what?! i dont know. i dont want anyone to get mad for me saying this, but i dont want people to think im crazy. when you think manic depressive or bipolar most people think 'crazy person'. i'm not crazy. i dont know. should i even consider what she said to be true based on only two hours of 'evaluation'? i know she is conducting a study, but do you think she is qualified to give a hypothetical diagnosis like that?
im using spark people today to look up different things about it. im going to see if i can find any information on the symptoms or signs and see where i think i fall on that spectrum. anyone with information, please share. and i'm sorry if i offended anyone by saying that i would associate 'bipolar' with 'crazy person'... i dont mean it literally... i guess i am just afraid of the judgement that would come from a diagnosis - a social stigma, if you will.
thanks everyone. i appreciate the help.