Thursday, July 30, 2009
so first, i want to start out by saying "wow"! one, i'm proud of myself for sticking to three days. and second, i am completely overwhelmed by the support that fellow sparkers have shown me. perhaps its being able to finally identify with other people that has helped me stick to a regimen.
im going to be brutally honest today. im feeling good this morning. i made it to work, not on time, but at least i went today. today is my moms birthday though. birthdays and holidays are never good for me. as each hour goes by i find myself getting more and more anxious about what the evening will bring. although im not afraid of crowds or anything, i find that anxiety kicks in when im surrounded by a lot of people, especially family. i feel like everyone is looking at me, or like they are talking about me. on top of that, food.... its everywhere.
tonight my mom wants to go to red lobster. gosh. as soon as she told me where we are meeting i panicked. i guess thats the eating disorder trying to resurface. i instantly jumped online to look at the nutritional information and find a 'safe' meal i can eat in front of my family. i dont know what to think about it. ive almost become compulsive about knowing what im eating before i eat it. is that a good thing or a bad thing? if i were to ask my husband he'd say it was a bad thing, and that i need to stop caring about it. but if i were to ask people on spark people i think many would say that its okay to plan a meal in advance.
i know its not healthy, especially for me, to obsess about what i am eating or what i am going to eat. but it still happens. at what point does it go from monitoring what im eating to restricting what im eating? two nights ago my husband called from the drive thru of taco bell - asking what i wanted him to bring home for me. i made him wait in the drive thru while i went to the taco bell website and looked at the calories, carbs and fat in each dish before i ordered. i ended up with fresco style rice, fresco style beans, and a fresco burrito. but i felt so stupid about it afterward.
this morning ive spent some time looking online for maybe a support group or something like so many of you have suggested. i cant find anything near me. i apparently live in bfe. i found a website that offers an 'online' support group. has anyone ever tried one of those? i think the plus side to an online support group is that i would be able to express everything completely honest, like i do here, without fear of judgement, but conversely it seems distanced, like it wouldnt be as personal or effective.
on a more positive note, i am feeling better about myself with each blog. even if they aren't being read, i still feel as if i am able to express all of the worries, emotions, and concerns that have been building inside each day. when i wake up and have a fear, much like the red lobster incident this morning, i can come blog about it and get it off my chest. thanks for listening/reading. i appreciate it.