Time to conquer my biggest enemy...
Friday, July 31, 2009
I have been thinking about it for some time...well, every time I have ever tried to diet really. And I think about it even when I dont. As a matter of fact, it seems that my greastest enemy consumes a great deal of my time and I must put an end to it. Food is my enemy. It is my weakness. It is my addiction. It is my comfort. It is my friend. It is everything that is anything because it is on my mind all the time. And it must stop. You know why I have always failed at the whole weight loss thing? It isnt cause I cant exercise. I seem to be doing just fine with that. It isnt because I dont have time or money or support or any of that. It is because I become scared on so many different levels. I have decided to break it down a little. Come out of the closet, if you will. I am gonna give you a few of my reasons. I will leave the rest for another blog because they deal just with my emotional side of this whole thing.
Every time I think of dieting or go on a diet, I become sad. I sorta grieve a little in a way. And you know why? Because a diet means that I cant eat bad food. A diet means I cant have seconds. A diet means that I cant eat til I am so uncomfortable that I can barely even lay down. A diet means that if I want 15 cookies, I just cant eat it. And so eventually I break down and have to give in. You know why? Because I allow food to have control. I allow myself to become weak to food. What it really means is that in order to stop this cycle I must gain my self control. I must stand up to myself and tell myself this is not ok. It is like when I decided to stop smoking. I would say I was gonna stop, I would not buy another pack, I would smoke the last one and then I would cry. Literally. And I would become so depressed that I would always give back in and go get more. Because I allowed my addiction to have control.
Well, smoking was a huge addiction. And it took major time and effort to stop that and for real if I hadnt had Avery I would still be smoking. I had 2 after he was born (like a month later) and immediately told myself to stop. I convinced myself it would make him sick. And I wasnt willing to make him sick. So now I am facing a greater evil. I have to do this. I have to figure out how to do this. I must conquer this area of my life. And when I do, everything else will just be that much better.