Sunday, August 02, 2009
well. i'm on day six. maybe not as successfully as i'd like, but i'm here. i'm sad and disappointed that i missed blogging on day five. =[
friday night went okay. the smells at the event were amazing. there was popcorn, funnel cakes, snow cones, cotton candy, etc. oh my goodness it was overwhelming. i managed to keep my cool though. i got a water, added some crystal light flavoring to it (to help combat the sugar cravings from the sweet smells in the air) and drank that throughout the night. when i got in my car to head home though, i could smell the stuff on me... all of those smells... i managed somehow to drive past mcdonalds and into the gas station next door where i bought a bottled water and a bag of sunflower seeds (ranch flavor, yummm). my munchie craving was satisfied! success. =]
saturday, however, did not go as smoothly. my brother in law showed up at my house with a pizza (chicago style) to bribe me into letting him watch a boxing match on our big screen tv. i managed to turn down the pizza, but my husband took me out to dinner instead (we're not big into sports) - - at dinner i went a little overboard... but instead of just stopping there, i requested a drive through wendys to finish the night off with some twisted frosty's (which i was totally disappointed by). i'm upset because i knew better. when i left the restaurant i felt so guilty. but i was confused by the guilt. i dont even know how many calories or fat grams are in nacho cheese dip, and i probably dont even want to know, but i didn't know if i was upset because i ate, or if i was upset because of WHAT i ate... does that make any sense. i mean, would a 'normal' person have a problem with eating an appetizer of nachos and cheese and a vegetable stuffed baked potato for dinner? would they then sit in the bathroom and cry about adding a frosty to the mix?
this morning i woke up hungry somehow. one would think that with how much food i had to eat last night i would have been able to last a week without food, but this morning was even worse. my husband suggested we go to old country buffet. he's never been there and the commercials finally got to him. so we went. unfortunately we got there as breakfast was still going, so there wasn't a whole lot to choose from on the salad bar. thus, my original plan went out the window (original plan being to get the salad and soup bar only - to stay on track with my spark goals) and instead i got FOUR plates of food. then again, finished the morning off with brownie fudge sundae.
whats wrong with me?! i feel like i make absolutely no sense. either i can't make myself eat, or i can't make myself STOP eating. today i ate so much i actually thought i was going to throw up. not from making myself purge, but from sheer physics that i ate more than my stomach could possibly hold. my stomach STILL hurts and is still bulging... i feel disgusted with myself and my lack of control in either direction. where is the middle ground... how do i get there?