day six

Sunday, August 02, 2009

well. i'm on day six. maybe not as successfully as i'd like, but i'm here. i'm sad and disappointed that i missed blogging on day five. =[

friday night went okay. the smells at the event were amazing. there was popcorn, funnel cakes, snow cones, cotton candy, etc. oh my goodness it was overwhelming. i managed to keep my cool though. i got a water, added some crystal light flavoring to it (to help combat the sugar cravings from the sweet smells in the air) and drank that throughout the night. when i got in my car to head home though, i could smell the stuff on me... all of those smells... i managed somehow to drive past mcdonalds and into the gas station next door where i bought a bottled water and a bag of sunflower seeds (ranch flavor, yummm). my munchie craving was satisfied! success. =]

saturday, however, did not go as smoothly. my brother in law showed up at my house with a pizza (chicago style) to bribe me into letting him watch a boxing match on our big screen tv. i managed to turn down the pizza, but my husband took me out to dinner instead (we're not big into sports) - - at dinner i went a little overboard... but instead of just stopping there, i requested a drive through wendys to finish the night off with some twisted frosty's (which i was totally disappointed by). i'm upset because i knew better. when i left the restaurant i felt so guilty. but i was confused by the guilt. i dont even know how many calories or fat grams are in nacho cheese dip, and i probably dont even want to know, but i didn't know if i was upset because i ate, or if i was upset because of WHAT i ate... does that make any sense. i mean, would a 'normal' person have a problem with eating an appetizer of nachos and cheese and a vegetable stuffed baked potato for dinner? would they then sit in the bathroom and cry about adding a frosty to the mix?

this morning i woke up hungry somehow. one would think that with how much food i had to eat last night i would have been able to last a week without food, but this morning was even worse. my husband suggested we go to old country buffet. he's never been there and the commercials finally got to him. so we went. unfortunately we got there as breakfast was still going, so there wasn't a whole lot to choose from on the salad bar. thus, my original plan went out the window (original plan being to get the salad and soup bar only - to stay on track with my spark goals) and instead i got FOUR plates of food. then again, finished the morning off with brownie fudge sundae.

whats wrong with me?! i feel like i make absolutely no sense. either i can't make myself eat, or i can't make myself STOP eating. today i ate so much i actually thought i was going to throw up. not from making myself purge, but from sheer physics that i ate more than my stomach could possibly hold. my stomach STILL hurts and is still bulging... i feel disgusted with myself and my lack of control in either direction. where is the middle ground... how do i get there?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Tell me to shut up if I am out of bounds here. You are worried your husband will think he missed out on a normal life if you ask him to not take you out to eat because of your eating disorder? Think about that for a second. You are talking about not only your physical health but your mental health. I'm sorry, but that way trumps your husband's desire to go out to eat.

    I understand that you don't want to deprive him. But if he is as supportive as you say he is, then he won't see giving up dinners out for the sake of your mental and physical well-being as being deprivation at all. No one is saying that you will never be comfortable at a restaurant...but RIGHT NOW, it is clearly too much pressure for you and you cannot handle it.

    You need to decide whether placating your husband's desire to eat out is more important than your health.

    3850 days ago
    thanks crowald. my husband is so supportive. he is one of the most amazing men i have ever met, especially to stick it out with me all this time. i just feel bad making him sacrifice all of the time because of MY issues. he shouldn't have to suffer or go without - although i know he would and often times does. im sure if i were to tell him that i wasnt feel up to going out he would be fine with staying in or doing something else, but i am just worried that one day he will realize what he is missing out on, getting to live a normal 'guy' life because im holding him back. i dont ever want him to feel like he missed out on anything because i couldnt do it. thats the hardest part.
    3850 days ago
    Have you tried talking to your husband about eating out? If you truly feel that you cannot handle it, i.e. that you make bad choices or you are not ready to face that temptation yet, then you need to be honest with him and he should support you. Going out twice in one weekend is a lot to expect of someone who is struggling the way that you are.
    3850 days ago
    I wish I could help you on finding the middle ground. Unfortunately I think we have most of us been there. I know that I love those nachos and cheese and could actually eat a steak and potato for the meal. Those days are over for me. Unfortunately I have to limit my carbs due to diabetes and my protein due to kidney failure, so I am a bit more particular in what I eat. If you read my blog for today, you can see what I had to chose from for breakfast and ending up eating a healthy omelet. Praise God!!! But I could have eaten myself sick also. I have to stay away from any restaurants that I can not eat more buffets for me because I sometimes have no self is a life making decision for me.
    I will keep you in my prayers that you will soon be making healthier choices.
    Blessings and hugs,
    3851 days ago
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