Sunday, August 06, 2006
I'm amused by today's thought as it relates so clearly to what's happening in my life! There has been confusion and a lack of clarity in my thinking at times, but today I recognised that sometimes I just have had to lie to myself, to enable me to move anywhere- for all that I am a child of God I have chosen to limit rather than open up and look!!!
Today I choose to step back from blaming my mother, who loves me and who does her best, irrespective of possibilities that I see! Yes I have judged her- criticised her and been vulnerable to her, in a way that has been so destructive to both of us!
I have passed on the anger to others, and eaten immense amounts of food, to punish myself for being angry- to sedate myself, so I did not have to experience the strong emotions.
Today I own my anger. I chose to say how I felt to Mum and I felt better for doing that. She went on to tell me about how horrible her life is- and how she keeps going, despite it and I let her speak.
I recognise she is not the Mum I would like her to be. She is the best Mum she can be- and she feels immense confusion when I talk about how I have been upset or hurt by her actions or by what she has said to me!
However I am going to accept rather than to resign myself to this.
It's not the same as being supportive to a friend, in some ways. She is, however, the Mother I have, and she is here, while the Mothers of most of my friends are not! God Bless her!