STILL GETTING SLOWLY CAUGHT UP :)
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I'm still getting slowly caught up with my messages and all the kind words everyone has sent me during my time at the cabin with no email. I want to grab onto all the positive words everyone had and read through them and wish I could make all the negative disappear. I guess that's not how it works but at least I know people care and that's important. So thank you all very much. Here is a blog that's more of a long update. Those of you that remember me know I can't summarize at all...it can at this point be labeled a disorder i guess:)
I guess the fact I didn't get hospitalized this summer and fall is a good thing although if my therapist and psychiatrist had it their way I would be. Because of my history the only hospital they'll consider sending me to is one with a trauma unit and that one is still rejecting me. In a way it's a little deceiving to those outside my realm of family and therapy. In many ways things have gotten worse for me both physically and emotionally. Since my birthday in March I have lost 30 lbs and now weigh the lowest I've weighed since I was 11-12 years old (which was 17 years ago). Once I started being overmedicated at age 12 I gained a lot of weight and was for the most part considered obese until around age 22. After that I was overweight until last year and my 28th birthday. I just read today an article on a study that just released it's findings. It's the largest study ever conducted specifically on kids to see if psychotropic meds are the cause of weight gain. The answer is undeniably YES. Sometimes it doesn't do any good to be validated after the fact and it just brings on more anger and resentment and mostly sadness.
Despite my non-psychotic diagnoses I was on Zyprexa, Seroquel, Abilify and Risperdal and very high doses as a kid. The study says it is not unusual for some kids to gain 30 lbs in just 11 weeks. I was one of those kids and the fact that I was on those drugs to control and sedate behavior problems and not psychosis makes it harder to swallow. Maybe someday I'll get over it all. I try and I don't seem to be able to take the forgiveness I've allowed myself to feel towards so many people and also release the fostercare and mental health systems from my grasp. Anyway back to the present.......
I'm getting to a weight that is almost unhealthy and it's something I have been unable to stop and control. Part of it's my depression and my PTSD symptoms. I do eat and yet it doesn't help. It's a scary predicament right now. My heart has also been giving me problems and I constantly find myself having a 95-100+ pulse with racing heart feelings and sickness. I've had many tests done in the past week and am awaiting the results but my theory is that my heart supported a body that has for the past 17 years been 135-209 lbs. Most of that was on the higher end. I have not been 117 lbs since I was an 12 yr old. My heart is perhaps working in a way that it no longer needs to. I don't know that's my theory.
So mostly right now I'm battling depression and severe hopelessness. Therapy is at a stand still and my PTSD symptoms and insomnia don't help. My back issues are still occurring and I'm still getting pain injections for that. I want to feel better and yet when I try and I don't feel much at all I get discouraged and my depression deepens so that it's just harder to try again the next time. Perhaps being back home will make a difference although so far it's been a constant reminder that there really isn't much here for me.