Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Wow. May 10th was the last time I was on my SparkPage. So much has happened it's hard to even believe.
I'm not proud to say that coming home to the US got the best of me. I have a tendency of overeating when I get nervous or anxious about something, and that was definitely the case for the few days before I came home. I don't know what it was about going home that made me so nervous, but for those three days, all I could do was eat. I knew what I was doing to my body and I knew that I was destroying all of my hard work, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. It made me so mad to look at my body every morning and see physical changes from the day before. In one week I gained 8 pounds. 8. Saying that now makes me want to cry. I was down into the 140's, a weight I haven't been since high school. I was so much closer to my goal that I thought. Hindsight is always 20/20, but if I had known that what I know now, I never would have allowed myself to quit. I gave up. My months of hard work were destroyed in a matter of days....at least that's the mindset I had then. In reality, I could have gotten back on track and not been completely back at square one, but at that point I thought I was already there.
The summer was a constant struggle with myself to get back into the gym and start eating right again, but for some reason I just couldn't make myself do it. I kept coming up with excuses why I could put it off. I feel like my whole life has been a constant excuse. Do I HAVE to lose weight for my health? No. Am I technically overweight or obese? No. Those things aren't factors here...but that doesn't mean I don't need to lose weight. I need to lose weight for MYSELF. For my own peace of mind, for my body's well being, for my future family and our daily lifestyle. I need to make these things habits now before it's too late. I know that if I keep making excuses for myself, eventually I'll wind up in a doctor's office being told that I'm on the verge of being obese. I know that if i don't make these changes NOW, my family will learn the same emotional eating habits that I've acquired over the years. So no, I don't need to lose weight right now...but I need to lose it for the future me.
This fall I've started doing a lot better about eating healthy, no matter if I can make it to the gym or not. I'm trying to make this a permanent lifestyle change rather than a two month long "diet." I've never been one to diet or cut certain things out of my diet completely, but I found myself doing that a lot this summer (of course, it always ended up in binge sessions). My problem is emotional eating. I have GOT to overcome that. It's gotten to the point that every time I see an extremely overweight person walking down the street, I see myself in 10 years. I see myself being that person who wakes up one morning to discover that they're 300 lbs and they don't know why. I see myself slipping and not even realizing what I'm doing to myself. I don't want to be that person. I want to be my best me, the me that I know is inside. Losing this weight won't make me happy in and of itself. Being thin isn't the only thing I want out of this. I want a realization that I overcame not one, but two eating disorders. I want to wake up and not care that I went over my calorie limit the day before because i know that it won't send me into a downward spiral. I want to feel good about myself even on my worst days. I want everyone to see how beautiful I CAN be when I'm at my best. I do believe that i am a beautiful person, inside and out. But lately, I haven't been showing that beauty that I know is inside. I need to do this. I feel like my future is depending on it. I don't want to just go through the motions of life...I want to actually live.