day one - starting anew

Saturday, November 14, 2009

it makes me sad to post this blog because it means ultimately i failed and i had to start over. shortly after my last post my weight got low enough that my family felt it was becoming dangerous. after truly stepping back and looking at myself i agreed with them and i took responsibility for my irresponsible actions. i had let myself get to an unhealthy weight using unhealthy means. up until just over a month ago i had been seeing an outpatient therapist on friday evenings who helped me work out some issues. i weighed in weekly and gained the weight back right away, which is the other side of my disorder. if i'm not starving myself then i'm overfeeding myself and i can't seem to find that balance in between. i know that neither lifestyle is healthy but i prefer the idea of being thin over being overweight.

as part of my outpatient therapy i agreed to stay off all social network sites that could potentially be a 'trigger' to revert back to old habits. i've now gotten the 'clearance' to start fresh on spark people. i am glad that i have found someone i could talk to about the issues, but at the same time i feel like they still haven't been able to help me find a balance in the middle of undereating and overeating. i want to be able to sit down at the table and eat a normal size meal - one that leaves me satisfied; not hungry nor swollen with food, but rather be able to stop eating when i have reached a reasonable level of fullness.

today, saturday november fourteenth is day one of this new goal. my goal isn't necessarily to lose weight, although i would like to shed some of the weight i have gained in the binge's post 'recovery'. my meetings, although not weekly any longer, will help me keep track of my weight, my vitals, and my habits and hopefully help me nip anything in the bud before it blossoms into something bad in either direction; undereating or overeating.

i have realized, though, that life isn't about weight, it is about happiness. i am finding it hard to put out of my head the idea that thin and happy are synonymous because i know that is a lie i have told myself all too often. i truly want to be happy and i want to be comfortable in my own skin - no matter what size it is. i am starting at a weight of 135 pounds - a nearly twenty five pound gain from august. this is going to be harder this time and the biggest challenge will be avoiding the 'techniques' i know will result in a faster weight loss - because i know now that they aren't healthy and they aren't substantial... the weight always comes back.

some things weighing in my mind about my weight; my friends wedding is coming up soon, as is a visit around christmas time. i'll write more about these later - there are so many factors that surround out unhealthy relationship as friends that it makes me nervous and scared to even participate in her wedding and see her when she comes home for christmas. i hope this blog finds everyone well and succeeding in their goals. i feel like i have abandoned some of the people i was talking to regularly on here, and i'm sorry for that. i'm hoping to be able to use the support network i have here, as well as my family and the outpatient program i have been a part of. i think this truly may be the 'network' i need... thanks for everyone's support. hope to talk to you soon!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I love this post. Probably because I'm going through the same thing as you. Although, I'm still on a waiting list to be in an outpatient program. I had gotten to 117 lbs and binge ate for days, weeks and went up to a 145 lbs. Now i'm 125 lbs. I still want to be 110 and I know that isn't healthy, but at least it's thin. I understand when you said you are trying to NOT associate thin with happy. It's a hard thing to do. I know. Good luck on your journey!
    3792 days ago
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