day three - starting anew

Monday, November 16, 2009

the weekend is over and the work week has begun. i always find it difficult to avoid the vending machine at work. one thing i did not get to share before my hiatus was my employment situation. the company i work for had a pretty significant budget cut, and thus some positions were eliminated. being in a union, the higher senior members whom were 'displaced' bumped their way down their ladder until eventually i was bumped out of my position and forced to take a different one. luckily for me i have been in this department before and i know the job requirements, but the level of stress and the hours make it a job that is much more difficult to deal with. i had found, quite often, that i was 'eating my feelings' when things got stressful. i eventually stopped carrying money with me so that i could not buy anything out of the vending machine. while i wish i had the self control to simply avoid the bbq chips, i dont and thus i had to take action a different way.

in this position i had found that the people in my office were always quite negative. they can be negative about everything for the most part. they make comments about how disgusting my vegan food looks, or they talk about how i don't need to eat any of that because i'm already thin enough - without ever considering the fact that maybe i'm trying to improve my overall health. while they eat their burgers and fries and smoke their cigarettes i bite my tongue, knowing that i will emerge the better (and healthier) person in the end. i always try to make sure i have some sort of healthy snack around, be it carrots, strawberries, kiwi, something crunchy, something sweet, something tangy so that no matter what craving i have i can satisfy it with something healthy.

in my blog post on saturday i wrote about the unhealthy relationship i had with my friend. my friend, also an SP member, and i have been 'on and off' friends for ten years or so. we have gotten in plenty of fights but we've been there for each other for plenty of tragic times as well. we lived together for a summer a few years ago and that was when i truly realized how unhealthy our relationship had become. out of all the secrets i ever confessed to her i never ever told her about the secrets i had regarding food and my eating habits. all of my friends had seen my weight fluctuate quite often and i'm pretty sure the idea of an eating disorder never crossed any of their minds. after she moved in was the first time i got 'scary skinny'. just like all girlfriends, there was a certain level of competition between us - whether we realized how serious it was or not. in one summer she and i had lost a combined total of 45 pounds from frames that honestly probably could've stood to lose only half that.

we eventually stopped being friends that summer and reconciled later in the year - both having gained back some of the weight we had lost during our stay together. ever since we have been somewhat open with our competition and it has even been the root of many of our fights. when i joined the gym so did she - when i took more classes at school so did she - when i bought a house she decided to rent one (better than mine) - when i got married she got engaged and asked for a better ring than mine - when i lost weight she had to lose more - etc. i was just as guilty and i have admitted that to my husband and to my OPT. one thing that upsets me and she doesn't even realize is that she has all of these 'self diagnosed' disorders and problems. i mean, maybe they are real, but at the same time i feel like they are just her attempt at competing with me for something again - although she still doesn't know about my actual diagnosed and treated problems. i realize that i am competitive with her and it seems to be what our friendship was based around. now i am feeling resentment toward her when i should be happy for her - she is getting married... she wants me to be her maid of honor. while my husband and i had a beautiful wedding, we had to pay for it on our own, we had to do it all by ourselves with little or no help from our bridal party or parents. her original plans involved a modest wedding that she and her fiance were paying for on their own, but has now blossomed into an elaborate wedding far surpassing my wedding that is being financed by her mom. some of my bitterness extends further back to previous fights and arguments we have had about her responsibility (or lack of) and her finances with respect to being 'bailed out' continuously by her parents.

she recently moved away and we haven't spoken much since she left. i thought her leaving would be an opportunity for me to become more of my own person and stop worrying about what she was doing and what our latest 'competition' was and trying to make sure i was ahead. then, she asked me to be her maid of honor. she is coming home for christmas and to be honest, i'm quite nervous... yes, nervous more so than excited. i don't know what she looks like... has she gained weight since she has been gone, has she lost weight, has she really started going to the gym rather than just talking about going... how will i look compared to her? i know this isn't a healthy obsession but i can't help it and i really don't know how to address it with her. i'm equally as worried about participating in the wedding and how i will look come next summer when her wedding is planned. i dont' want to be the 'fat' bridesmaid and i want to look better than her, but she is the bride.

i am trying to distance myself from the friendship and move on but she is making it difficult and i don't know how to tell her that i feel like it would be better (and possibly healthier) for us to just 'grow apart' - especially now that we both live in different states. has anyone else had this problem? is anyone else so competitive with their friend that it has developed into something worse? what can i do?
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