How I got here, again.....
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Two years ago, September, I decided I was sick of being fat. I just decided that was the end of it. I started gathering ‘tools’ to use to lose weight and become healthier. I joined WW. I started reading books and magazines on health and fitness. I worked up to walking 3 miles every morning. I set goals of going to Spinning class, taking a Yoga class. (Scary for me as I am not particularly social) I started journaling every day in a composition book. Within a year, I was spinning, I was taking 3-4 hour hikes on Sundays, I had lost 40 lbs. and I fit comfortably in old button fly Levis. I was feeling really good, both physically and emotionally. Pride goeth before the fall?
So what happened? I gained it all back plus 10. I cannot plead ignorance. I cannot say I did not realize it was happening every single day of the next year it took to gain it back. I think it started when I went on vacation. So I had a little trouble getting back into my routine. Oh, I will skip spinning this week. Oh, I will walk tonight instead of this morning, so I can read a little before work.(never happened) Oh, I can have second helping of this Black Bean Soup, because it is so healthy. Opps, look, I have gained 5 lbs back. I will restart. I will set a plan.... starting Monday. Well, I need to start slow. Oh, I messed up today, I will start again tomorrow. And on it went. For a year, each day, week, month passed with me gaining more, postponing getting back on the wagon until I have gained it all back plus.
So here I am now. My clothes don't fit, my knees hurt, I have to hold my breath to tie my shoes, my asthma is back with a vengeance. I think the worst of it isn’t even the weight I have gained back. It is the failure of it all. It’s the embarrassment of seeing people who were so supportive when they see I have gained it all back. …And the disappointment in myself, for doing this to myself again. My health, my fitness level, my weight are completely in my control.
And if I am fat, weak, and unhealthy, it is because I failed to do what I needed to do to help myself.
So, I have to start all over again. I know I can do it, because I have done it before. I am excited to start the journey, I know I can do it. But I am also scared. How do I make sure that this time is forever? The difference this time is that I am going to be planning ahead for the time when I start to let up. What will my ‘tools’ be for that period of time coming up when I am almost to a goal weight and I am feeling good? What will I do when I start to let up because I feel good now? How will I stay motivated? How do I make sure I do not let this happen to me again? Any suggestions are very welcome.