No Longer a Crutch!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sitting here I am totally about to cry. i just turned 25 yesterday and I realized that I have nothing to really show for 25 years of exhistance. I do have a 2 year old son, but any body can get pregnant.
I married at 18 and stayed in a horrible marriage because I convinced myself that I couldn't do better then what I had. He cheated on me with all of my close friends, and instead of getting rid of him. I decided that the remidy is just to not have any more friends. When we became pregnant he hit the road and being back in the dating feild I find myself using my weight as an excuse to push people away. Better to dump them before they dump you right?
I have been the fat kid all my life. In second grade I remember boys running around me in a circle chanting "thunder lizzard" and calling me "fat Alberta". Instead of getting more active, I produced a larger then life personality which I still cling to today.
My highest weight before now was 210lbs. I swore i would never get that fat again. I purged, starved, and even did street drugs to get me down to 175lbs. Not much I know, but man I looked good. Then I got pregnant and started going through my divorce. Not wanting to hurt my son, I gave up drug use and ate my way up to 260lbs. Thinking it would all go away with a 80lbs baby, I didn't do much to help my situation.
It is now two years later and I am on the road to distruction. My mom is huge but unwilling do do anything about her health. Her weight has caused her to not be able to work, so now she is on disability. She needs to wear oxygen to perform normal tasks like walking to the bathroom and I don't want tha type of burden being placed on my son.
Usually I go at weight loss as a "good idea" or "something thin people do", but this time weight loss is going to be something I CAN do! I struggle with depression and I think that if I can become more comfortable in my own skin. I will be able to overcome some of the issues I deal with on a regular basis.
So today is the day. I have already bellydanced and ballywood danced my little heart out, but I will forge onward until I can post my AFTER photo and be proud of my accomplishments =D