Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Started my journal last night, however the husband is now pissed at me because I wouldn't let him read it. Things have not been good lately, he is so jealous of my children, I don't know what to do. They are not allowed to sit on my lap and I am not to show them any sympathy whatsoever and they are to toe the line while they are at home. I just don't know what to do. It is almost a year since we are in counseling and in some aspects things are better, but in seems to now have transferred to other areas. I am so tired of this struggle. I know I am not helping you all out on this team either. I am very lost. Sometimes I feel like we will be OK and then others I feel like what am I doing this for it does no good and is not appreciated. Maybe it isn't him, maybe it is me, after all this is the second time around for me and it looks like it will fail too. Maybe I am better off alone. I wonder why I keep staying and doing so so unhappy. We can never go away as a family, oh it is alright if it is just his boys, but if my boys are along they whole day is usually ruined before it even starts. It happens every time we go away with my children, they either talk to loud or do the wrong thing and I am so tired of it. If they are making a noise in the car I find myself correcting them because I know that if I don't he will get so worked up and will make it tens times worse. Yet he doesn't do this to his own children. They are not allowed to talk or sit in there with us they cannot even play in their rooms they have to close the door so it is quiet. He told me last night that he wants a divorce he is tired of this, yet he is the one who is tired of everything and we are the ones who do no right and he is the one who has all the problems with the things we do and he sits there and says nothing ever changes yet it is up to all of us to change to the way he thinks we should do things. Why is it all our responsibility? I feel like I have to change who I am what I am just so he can cope with it all. Is that fair? Am I being unreasonable? The counselor tells us we are doing very well and that I don't need to be "stupid" for him , yet he makes me feel like unless I am he will never be happy. I know this blog is jumping all over the place as with my paper journal I am just writing what pops in my head. I feel like I have tried so much and maybe that's it maybe he can just not handle us and we are not the family for him. That is sad but maybe that is the bottom line. I don't know what i am going to do. How can I keep my home on one income? How can I pay all the other bills? what will I do? He wants to have a talk tonight at 6PM. Yet somehow I feel he really doesn't want to hear the word divorce yet he brings it up all the time. Yet the man cannot even watch TV by himself, he lasts about 10 minutes and then he had to come to bed because he cannot sit there alone. What will happen I don't know.