Journal 2-27-10

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Hello pages of notes! Last night was hard but I think it needed to be done. I really don't think he thought I was going to call his bluff and now reality has set in. He was told by the counselor to not say words like Divorce if that is not really what he wanted. He is so conflicted on the inside. He knows there is something that is not right, yet he will not do anything about it. He told me his mother said that maybe he was this way was because of getting fired at the cement mill, then having the motorcycle accident with his son, then getting the divorce and having to move away from his kids. And he told me that made sense to him. Yet he is accepting it as fact and that there is nothing he can do about it. To me there is nothing he wants to do about it. He said to me as we were going over things regarding finances, how am I going to pay for all of this. I replied, I have been telling you for months that money is tight, how do you think I do it every week juggling our money. He said well you never went over it in this detail. I have but he never cared to understand it before! He also made a crack about that I took my ring off, I said you want to start about that, you had yours off on Tuesday before I even got home from my parents. I said why did you do that, his reply just because I did. I think he really didn't think I was going to call his bluff and now he doesn't know what to do. He asked me multiple times before he left if it was over. I told him I don't think things are going to work out between us. He still thinks it is up to me and my boys to change and when I ask him about being jealous of them he doesn't have an answer. Well I cannot not have my children in my life so he is happy. I told him you really cannot handle anyone's children but your own. It is OK if his kid does it but if someone else does it it isn't right. Also when his kids do get in trouble they are all looking for someone else to blame, I always here well if that kid would have just done this or that this wouldn't have happened. What happened to everyone being responsible for their own actions? he doesn't understand that concept at all. It is so much easier to blame someone else! His ex wife and both boys are the same way. It is like a disease. When you refuse to recognize that kind of behavior nothing ever changes. He said that is wasn't all him, it was some him but me and my boys are part of the problem. Even if he did come back which honestly I don't want him too, and the boys were angels then it would be something else. It would always be something, who is he going to blame when it isn't the boys? Then will it be all me, or my parents or work or his family or ex wife. The pattern has been this way for too long. This girl is moving on with her life and taking it one day at a time. My boys came home later last night as they were at a birthday party with their Dad. The first thing they asked when they came home were where are Ryan and his boys. I sat them down and explained that Ryan is very unhappy deep down inside and we cannot live like that anymore. They both were upset. My youngest is afraid we won't have a home anymore. The oldest will miss his boys. I tried to calm their fears and answer their questions as honest as I can without giving them too much information to overwhelm them. It was amazing how much they can talk and observe. We were watching the olympics last night and they both were commenting on them and chatting away. I don't mind that has never bothered me. However if he would have been here it would to have been silent. Why aren't kids allowed to be heard and why can't we watch television together and let them talk and comment? Isn't it more important that we are together rather than hearing the TV? I realized how much I missed that and I don't want anyone to take that away from me again. Onward and Forward we go together me and my boys and we deserve it!
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