Beaten but still fighting

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

There has been some good but the bad is winning out.Trying to find the positive and keep up the good fight ! The daily abuse,angry,hurtful words are taking a toll. He knows that after the bankruptcy (which we are fighting about getting the needed money for ) that I hope to leave. He has pulled back on what money I am being given. The yelling is wearing on my health and sanity. I am praying for a guardian angel to show me either the steps to get a place to live or a earth bound angel to help me find a place I can afford. With SSDI and what he normally gives me I have to survive on 1300.00 a month. HELP. WANT TO STAY IN CALIFORNIA IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. Need a small yard area for the rottweilers. Even a townhouse would work. I exercise the girls daily when not ill. I am a good person and I deserve a chance to have a life with some happiness and contentment. Can't find any place with subsidized housing list even open. Last time I went on the lists its been five years and no openings.Desperate and Hopeful.
Still fighting to get my medical coverage and prescription coverage straightened out. Have used all my cell minutes and now am paying a penalty.
I spent the weekend away from here. Had two nights of peace. Saw grandsons. New soccer season started for Anthony. He clung to me for two days. I had a hard time getting to the bathroom without him waiting outside for me. It hurts me so see the pain and hurt he is going through. He stayed in the hotel over night with me so I taught him how to pray before going to sleep and that he doesn't need the t v on to go to sleep .Got small kids books of prayers for him to read when I am not there. Wish and Want to save him and this is the only way I felt I could be there and get god into his troubled life. Stood between his mother and grandmother yelling at him and trying to hit him. He made a small stupid mistake that any normal 7 year old would make and they got angry,I told them they were off base and told them to take a time out they were out of control and stressed and he wasn't the cause and they shouldn't take there frustrations out on him. It must suck for all those who are the middle child. I was the youngest and I became the care giver/ protector. Still am! Grandmother and mother afraid of me being an ex cop so backed off. Know I can't protect him when I don't live close by any longer.My heart hurts and breaks because I want to help him and protect him from injustice.
Saw my grandson. He is one month old. She is still not real comfortable with mother hood and nursing and stuff. Can't wait till he is more active and awake. Feel depressed because I won't see him grow up. Need to move and know I won't be able to live in Morgan Hill and be a part of his life. I can't afford a guest cottage or apartment there let alone a place with a small yard,even a townhouse is out of my reach. Don't know any one to try and rent a place with. Making friends has always been hard for me.The by product of a dysfunctional family.
I need to start making more progress with my diet. I have an appointment with surgeon the middle of May .After neuro testing and cardio it will take two months to get scheduled for actual knee replacement. Need to stay here until recover is over. I am taking every minute by minute. Never know when the S--t is going to hit the fan. Hope to be out by my birthday in Sept.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry to hear all that is going on with you!! I am also very sorry for that 7 year old sad that people can't record themselves to see what they are doing to everyone around them..Is it possible to live with your daughter or another family member so you can save money? I know dysfunctional families are not the best or are even there for us...I wonder if the social security people have programs that will help you..maybe you can call them..sending sending positive energy your way!
    3807 days ago
    You are truly amazing. You are a STRONG woman and you will get through this.

    I KNOW God has it all worked out.
    He is in control and you will not only be fine but you will be Excellent. "God never promised it would be easy but that it would be worth it".

    Sending healing vibes to you for you heart and soul.
    3807 days ago
  • ENUFF81020
    Hi there,
    I'm sorry there are so many bumps in the road for you to get to a peaceful life. What you are asking for isn't much and should be available. Our church provides help for people in need--do you have a church in your community--either yours or another--that might be able to get you help or assistance of one kind or another? Keep those prayers coming for you and your grandson, they will be answered. I care about you, my friend.
    3807 days ago
    I would try to contact a CASA shelter. They let you stay there and help you to find work and a place to live. They are used to women coming from relationships with nothing because the abuser knows it is harder to travel with stuff. The only drawback might be the dogs, but it might be easier to get someone to watch them for awhile, while you get on your feet.
    3807 days ago
    Keep yourself safe and know that we continue to pray for your protection and guidance. Wish I could put an end to this for you.
    emoticon Kathleen
    3807 days ago
    Hey Friend - Hang in there. You know there are bad days, and some times too many bad days in a row. Your situation I really hard to solve. I've been afraid he would start building up and getting agitated about the plans. You know his well enough to know he thinks if he gets threatening enough that you'll back off. Be diligent and be strong. One step at a time, even if sometimes it two steps forward and one step back. Blessings and hugs, Echo
    3807 days ago
  • BETRME100
    My heart goes out to you...there has to be a women's shelter in your area where you can talk with someone about what you need to do...they are professionals who deal with these issues on a daily basis...please let them help you.
    3807 days ago
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