Beaten but still fighting
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
There has been some good but the bad is winning out.Trying to find the positive and keep up the good fight ! The daily abuse,angry,hurtful words are taking a toll. He knows that after the bankruptcy (which we are fighting about getting the needed money for ) that I hope to leave. He has pulled back on what money I am being given. The yelling is wearing on my health and sanity. I am praying for a guardian angel to show me either the steps to get a place to live or a earth bound angel to help me find a place I can afford. With SSDI and what he normally gives me I have to survive on 1300.00 a month. HELP. WANT TO STAY IN CALIFORNIA IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. Need a small yard area for the rottweilers. Even a townhouse would work. I exercise the girls daily when not ill. I am a good person and I deserve a chance to have a life with some happiness and contentment. Can't find any place with subsidized housing list even open. Last time I went on the lists its been five years and no openings.Desperate and Hopeful.
Still fighting to get my medical coverage and prescription coverage straightened out. Have used all my cell minutes and now am paying a penalty.
I spent the weekend away from here. Had two nights of peace. Saw grandsons. New soccer season started for Anthony. He clung to me for two days. I had a hard time getting to the bathroom without him waiting outside for me. It hurts me so see the pain and hurt he is going through. He stayed in the hotel over night with me so I taught him how to pray before going to sleep and that he doesn't need the t v on to go to sleep .Got small kids books of prayers for him to read when I am not there. Wish and Want to save him and this is the only way I felt I could be there and get god into his troubled life. Stood between his mother and grandmother yelling at him and trying to hit him. He made a small stupid mistake that any normal 7 year old would make and they got angry,I told them they were off base and told them to take a time out they were out of control and stressed and he wasn't the cause and they shouldn't take there frustrations out on him. It must suck for all those who are the middle child. I was the youngest and I became the care giver/ protector. Still am! Grandmother and mother afraid of me being an ex cop so backed off. Know I can't protect him when I don't live close by any longer.My heart hurts and breaks because I want to help him and protect him from injustice.
Saw my grandson. He is one month old. She is still not real comfortable with mother hood and nursing and stuff. Can't wait till he is more active and awake. Feel depressed because I won't see him grow up. Need to move and know I won't be able to live in Morgan Hill and be a part of his life. I can't afford a guest cottage or apartment there let alone a place with a small yard,even a townhouse is out of my reach. Don't know any one to try and rent a place with. Making friends has always been hard for me.The by product of a dysfunctional family.
I need to start making more progress with my diet. I have an appointment with surgeon the middle of May .After neuro testing and cardio it will take two months to get scheduled for actual knee replacement. Need to stay here until recover is over. I am taking every minute by minute. Never know when the S--t is going to hit the fan. Hope to be out by my birthday in Sept.