Sorry been sort of out of commission the last few days. Haven't felt well and mishaps abound. The Doctor started me on a medication and I have been taking it for over a week. The side effects started on Saturday. Bad stomach cramps and diarrhea. Now I never had a child but these pains were what I imagined it would feel like. I have never had such stomach pain before in my life. I have been feeling drained, dizzy, tired and sort of depressed that is why I haven't blogged.
Each day I wake up feeling ok then the stomach stuff acts up again. Called the doctor today and she said I have to just let the medicine take's it course in leaving my system. Had a few eggs today and having rice for lunch. Hoping they will help.
Saturday our coffee pot broke. Actually our's broke a few weeks ago. Linda gave us an old one to use it is the one that broke. I had tea anyway. My DH got some packets from the one pantry that is instant coffee, sugar and creamer all in it. He said it wasn't bad, I can't have it due to the sugar in it. Today he used a coffee filter and manually poured water through to make some. I had 2 cups.
Then last week when we were running out of basic essentials we wrote a check at the grocery store. We know it takes a long time for them to cash it. But when we got money in our account I forgot to account for it. I felt SO STUPID. So I have been stressing over whether it will bouce before our next deposit. The $35 nsf fee isn't something we can afford. Again I felt SO stupid. But, I checked today and it hasn't gone through so hopefully it won't until after tomorrow.
Flurry is losing hair. First she had a area that wasn't growing back Then the other day I found she had patches of her coat where there is no hair there at all. She isn't itching or anything. Just patches where hair is missing. So I researched on the internet and found a lot saying "thyroid". So I called the vet and asked her to go through Flurry's medical records from there and the Emergency Hospital to see if she was even tested for thryoid. They didn't so I asked how much it would be. They said $192. the bloodwork alone is $150. I know she isn't in any pain but I feel a little helpless cause I can't afford to have her tested. Then it might not even be that. I have been thinking that if my babies had "parents" who can take care of them they might be better off.
Sunday was our 12th anniversary of our marriage. Other than playing on the computer together we didn't do much. When we were on our honeymoon we went to Las Vegas. We aren't big gamblers or anything but back when we got married it was a cheap get away and lost of site seeing. We were hoping to go back on our 10 th and getting remarried by Elvis or something fun.
Now I can't even go out to the store let alone. With the oxygen 24/7 a cylinder only lasts an hour. Then I think due to my size I am becoming angoraphobic. I am scared to leave the house. Scared of what people will think. Scared I won't be able to get into the van myself. I have a terrible fear of falling and not being able to get up and having to call the EMT's for help. This has happened to me before.
I am just feeling like each month I keep saying if we get through this month we will be ok. Then that next month comes and we are still struggling and not getting caught up. Even deposit the money is already gone before we get it. The flea market was a loss of a couple hundred dollars. Now it seems all our money is for bills and nothing left after it for medicine, food and everyday things.
I have looked into making money from blogging and it was weird they keep wanting me to write about general products to promote things. I like to blog but was a little at a loss on how this works. I also. Looked into surveys that pay but they only give me some sort of points. How this all works doesn't make much sense to me other than to get junk email.
Now I have a cat named Tux. Originally Tuxedo he was white with a spot on his head that is black. He outgrew it now he is pure white. I have a picture in my photos. He found me literally. I was visiting my Mom at a mobile home park. Tux ran up to me at 10 weeks old and wanted me to pick him up. He instantly was purring and neading me. This cat has such a personality. I call him my "Gift from God" when ever I am down he cheers me up. He is very vocal and when he wants love you know it.
I mentioned depression part right? Last night all this is running through my head. I thought about is this all there is to life? I feel bad for my DH he doesn't deserve this. I feel guilty, like I am keeping him from enjoying his life. He has been so cranky and raising his voice a lot. Makes me feel terrible. The pain in my chest last night felt like my heart was breaking or my spirit. I had a nice long cry feeling sorry for myself.
So I prayed. Prayed for God to give me guidence into doing what is right. Prayed he would use me to help others somehow. To be his servent. Prayed to be USEFUL. Prayed for my DH to know how much he really means to me. I tell him but I don't think he understands. I have no one really in my life other than him. I prayed he knows how much I appreciate his sacrifies.
I prayed for my "babies" health, especially Flurry right now. When I look toward the future I see a house in a rural area. A small one story rancher that I can get around in. I see it all the time. They say if you see it or dream it, it is for a reason. I prayed for a way for me to make this vision happen. Might sound silly but I prayed over the check not to get cleared yet. even.
Next thing I know Tux is up beside me in bed wanting love. He made me feel SO much better. I took this as another of God's gifts. I dried my tears and thanked God for the message. One day at a time. One prayer at a time even. There I feel so much better just getting all this out. Even if no one reads this I feel relief. I found this post and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Prayers can't be answered unless you pray them.
~* Prayers Can't Be Answered Unless They Are Prayed *~
By: Author Unknown
Life without purpose is barren indeed
There can't be a harvest unless you plant seed There can't be attainment unless there's a goal
And man's but a robot unless there's a soul
If we send no ships out, no ships will come in
And unless there's a contest, nobody can't win
For games can't be won unless they are played
And prayers can't be answered unless they are prayed
So whatever is wrong with your life today
You'll find a solution if you kneel down and pray
Not just for pleasure, enjoyment and health
Not just for honors and prestige and wealth
But pray for a purpose to make life worth giving
And pray for the joy of unselfish giving
For great is your gladness and rich your reward
When you make your life's purpose the choice of the Lord.