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Revelation for Saturday

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Hello dear Sparkfriends, after a lot of soul searching yesterday and this morning I have come to believe that I am not depressed or feel bad about my weight.... let me explain.

Yesterday when I woke I was feeling sad and a bit low, I wondered what was up, so as I have since I was 12 years old I blamed it on my weight. I have been unhappy with my body and weight since I was at least 12 maybe even younger.....any time in my life I have been unhappy I blamed it on my weight..or my body.....I never wanted to really deal with other problems because for some reason it was easier to just say "well if I was a normal weight person this would not have happened " not sure you can understand that but that is how I dealt with my personal problems.....I never wanted to deal with my abuse, addictions or the host of problems people have in their lives.....

so once that revelation hit me I started to think what really is going on, well May has been a very hard time of the year for me for a long time, many very sad and unhappy things have happened to me in my life in May, most it would not be appropriate to discuss here....but one major thing happening right now is my step Daughter who I dearly love and have a great relationship with and our 3 grand sons are moving on the 28th to california, This has me really more upset than I think I can feels like abandonment....(something I have problems with )next...
we decided not to visit our family's this year and do something else for vacation.....deep down I worry that my Dad will die and I won't see him.....My Mom died in May about 7 years ago and we never resolved our rocky relationship......even though she was very abusive to me about my weight I had always hoped we would some how get passed it but that never happened....

so as you see when I felt that I was upset about my weight that was not true....
Funny how we can revert back to old habits, but blaming my fat has been a old habit that I need to break.....I'm sure it won't be easy but I will do it.....I have decided to post small little messages on my mirror, my computer and in my car , that say you are beautiful and strong..
Hoping the message gets in my brain.

So thanks to you all for your replies especially Sock, I took to heart what she said about this being a lifestyle, it hit me, it is my lifestyle as I never once thought of eating to make me feel better or to comfort me....I just ate as I planned......and I truly appreciate all the support.

Have a healthy week end

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Awesome Kitt
    thanks for sharing so we all can figure it out too.
    You are beautiful and courageous!
    3465 days ago
    To stay in the moment is really tough for me. However, I know with practice I can do this and enjoy whatever stage I am in.

    Sorry, I meant this post to go above, just placed it in the wrong spot
    3466 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/23/2010 1:32:22 PM
    I love how you are able to sift through your thoughts and feelings and get to the root. This is something I am learning, but have a long way to go. Honesty with yourself has gotten you far. I read your blog the other day, but was in a rush and was pondering how to respond. I'm so glad to see this blog today.

    You had also mentioned you weren't feeling good. 1) Do you think it could be from the emotional turmoil you are experiencing right now? 2) You mentioned that you are eating your veggies with no dips, dressings, etc. I do not in any way claim to know a great deal about proper diet or nutrition, but I did want to say that I have read numerous times recently that our body does not utilize the nutrients from the vegetables we eat without some healthy fats. Are you getting enough fat? If not, maybe your body is not utilizing the nutrients from the veggies. Just a thought.

    Best wishes on your journey. So proud of you. emoticon
    3466 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    3466 days ago
    emoticon Jo
    I understand!
    3466 days ago
    You ARE beautiful and strong - and don't you EVER forget it! If you need a reminder, let me know!!! emoticon
    3466 days ago
    Great job figuring it out, Kitt. I knew you would. I think a lot of us can relate to what you went through in your past. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Take care.


    3466 days ago
    Now that is some insight Kitt...I believe that we can always revert back to our old ways of thinking but become aware (as you have done) and that allows us to move forward

    emoticon emoticon
    3466 days ago
    Very insightful on your part Kitt. You are really getting to the bottom of things!
    Great work! You have so many wonderful friends here, I just love reading all of their comments! emoticon
    3466 days ago
    Wow, Kitt........ How very very awesome that you did not go to the food when you were feeling bad.......that is HUGE !!! And, that this IS your lifestyle now. What a wonderful thing those things are!!! I am so happy to hear about what you have come to after doing that soul really did some great and very hard work there and it is so good what you came to find out. I like your idea of the notes, too.
    I just think its awesome that you figured out that about blaming your problems always on your weight. That is so wonderful to have figured that out........HUGE step!
    LOL I just can't cheer you on enough! You are doing so well! God Bless You, girl!
    You do and continue to be such an inspiration, and I am SO HAPPY to hear that you got over that rough mountain that cropped up.
    You know what too......... I so totally understand those feelings about your DAd. I frequently have those fears about my parents too and it DOES affect you. I am so sorry that things weren't resolved w/ your Mom. And, can certainly understand how you would FEEL abandoned with your family 's upcoming move. Maybe there's some good things that will come out of that..........some fun things that ya'll can plan to do to try and lessen the miles......even though I know its still going to be hard.

    Hang in there Kitt.........I know you will, and am so proud of you for the way you are working thru all of this! You go girl!!! And, God Bless YOu in the days ahead!

    Big hugs! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3466 days ago
    Kitt, I'll have to read this again when I'm home (on a computer at the hotel and need to get off), but...

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Glad you figured it out!!!

    3466 days ago
    Thanks for sharing you with us Kitt.

    3466 days ago
    Darn it...I lost my first message. I hope I can remember all I said.... Kitt, I so understand about the baggage and how it can color your thinking. I am glad that you figured things out. We are all getting older, and you never know when any of us could find out that there is something serious going on. Perhaps you can sneak a short visit to your dad so you don't have to risk the 'I should have's' and guilt in the future. At any rate, I think you found your answers. Rest well tonight.
    3466 days ago
    Kitt, I read your previous blog the other day...thought I must share some tidbit of advice with you...but at the time I had nothing to give...BOY, it's been a rough time lately all around. How wonderful you have the insight to iron out why it is you're feeling a bitg low right now, it makes a lot of sense. You are so tough to keep on keepin on with your wonderfully healthy lifestyle and not giving in to some of the old eating habits that tend to go along with feeling down.
    Never ever forget how far you have come, how much you inspire, and how fantastic a person you thankful to have 'met' you totally rock, woman!
    3467 days ago
  • SHMILY928
    I think one of the hardest parts of letting go of the weight is losing that "it's not me, it's that I'm fat" thing to blaim all the bad stuff on. Congratulations on the insight. Knowing what the problem is is half the battle. take every moment as it comes and remember that each healthy step you take is one step closer to your goals. You can do it.
    3467 days ago
    You have a wonderful, healthy weekend too, Kitt! I haven't been SparkFriends with you for very long yet, but to me, you're a very strong person and a major source of support and encouragement. You have accomplished tremendous things with yourself, and don't ever forget it!
    3467 days ago
    glad you firgued it out i miss our walk today brian and i walk around the lake again
    3467 days ago
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