Stupid Actions = Stupid Results

An older blog that I wrote last month, things have changed since then, but i thought it was good to post anyway:

I must be the queen of excuses. Any chance I get, I’ll come up with a reason to not do something….

It’s a little depressing actually, that I do that to myself. I don’t have control over many things in life, so why don’t I take advantage of all the things that I DO have control over?

A few months ago, I decided to go see a dermatologist because I’d been dealing with really bad breakouts for over a year. After she looked me over, she said I should actually get checked for some other conditions, since the breakouts were caused by something going on internally, it was nothing to do with cleanser or environment, etc. (Nothing serious – no worries!)

After meeting with my doctor and a specialist to get all kinds of tests done, I’ve been waiting for an actual diagnosis of whatever condition I might possibly have. The bad part about it? No diagnosis yet, but I’m acting as if I have been diagnosed with SOMETHING. Why bother eating better and working out if I might possibly have one of the conditions listed by my doctor? Those conditions make it almost impossible for a woman to lose weight, unless she works extra hard.

Oh I know…I might not have anything at all wrong, my body just might be dealing with hormones and weight, but let’s go ahead and just give up altogether anyway. Yes yes, I know working out makes me feel better, even if I don’t lose weight, and it’s a healthy thing to do, even if I don’t get the results on the scale that I want. But we’ll just ignore all those factors. I might have something wrong with me, so I’m going to act like I have everything wrong. How horrible to do that to myself!!!

At first, I kind of ignored my stupid behavior. Waiting to see if it’s PCOS, metabolic syndrome, insulin resistance…whatever. I kept telling myself “You need to know what’s wrong before trying to get into shape.” Why? I KNOW I feel better when I exercise. I can feel it in every step. My endurance is better, I don’t have back aches, I sleep better. It’s so obvious that’s it’s helping me, whether I lose weight or not. But for some reason, it has to be all or nothing with me. And I don’t like that, not at all.

What I discovered - depression doesn't cause my actions, my actions cause depression. I have probably been more depressed just waiting, since I have put my body on hold. It’s a horrible way to treat myself and my body. Why do I let all outside forces dictate my actions and my moods?

I’m learning, that’s all I can say. And hopefully no matter what the outcome is, I’ll learn to be active no matter what the results are.