Uggghhh lack of self control...
Monday, June 28, 2010
I did not realize how many facets of my life my lack of self control affects. You guessed it...EVERY one! Yikes! I think I'd been in denial to this point but when I whittle things down here is the raw data...I drink too much beer, I eat too big of portions, I allow my insecurities in this life rule my mind, I used to smoke too much. So now that is a bitter pill to swallow. I feel as though I'm in one of the cartoons where the character tries to stop a water leak in a container by plugging it with a finger, then another leak pops and another and so on...you get the point. Until there is so much pressure the containers integrity can no longer sustain it and the sides give away. Quite the analogy but I am in no position to mince words at the moment. You could call it my very own butt kicking. I am a firm believer that we cannot move forward with change until we look ourselves right in the eye and be honest about what we see. With that having been said, there are things about me that I am happy with and that I am proud of...I am doing a bang up job as a single mom, my career is solid, I am compassionate and genuine.
What I need to work on now is figuring out how to find a balance of self control that is both workable and positive for me.
I quit smoking several months ago which I'm proud of and feel great about. That took a lot of self control and stubborness to kick that habit! I can go without having a beer a day but I find myself saying, why can't I have just one, I deserve it. Summer time when I come home from work, to sit with my son and his Grandma and have a drink while cooking supper on the bbq. My weakness! However, it doesn't matter how many calories I dutifully count...my "precious" beer does me in at the end of the day both on my tracker and on my waistline. Apparently I need to use a little stubborness here and set a mini goal. Something like...no beer on weeknights.
The harshest place I lack self control and I am not happy to admit it is with my insecurities. I have been dating a guy on and off for just over a year, he will not commit to anything. We've had many discussions about it and our future, etc. Basically what it boils down to is I've allowed things to be a "friends with benefits" deal and I am emotionally paying the price. So the other day, I got angry and had a nasty case of verbal diahrrea on IM. No matter what he and I have been through, he has always treated me well, always respectful, supportive, etc. I allowed my self control to take a walk out stage right and my evil self took over. Not good. Several days later, he is no longer talking to me (which is probably for the best) and I feel like a total uncontrollable psychopath. Holy, I didn't realize I was so angry.
Why I'm writing about this here you may wonder? Honestly, I am of the opinion that all of these things stem from the same anxiety riddled self deep down inside of me. I've taken opportunity the last few days to strip the exterior away and really take a closer look. No blaming, no criticism, no self hatred....just plain old honesty. My list goes as follows...I used to use drugs, smoke, drink, eat and have temper tantrums. I've given up the drugs (a LONG time ago) and smoking. I'm tapering off the drinking and trying to make healthier food choices and portion sizes. Temper tantrums, it seems, although not as regular are still present. I'm slowly stripping away the things that I've used to quiet my anxiety down. Without the masks it is getting much easier to see inside myself. That, in and of itself, is a little scary but I truly believe it will be worthwhile. I fully believe that if one is to be a work in progress, things must be addressed in order to help oneself. Once upon a time, several years ago, I had been seeing a psychologist for cognitive therapy. I think perhaps it would be a good idea to do this again now when I can be a little more honest with myself. Something to ponder honestly.
What a remarkably enlightening Monday.