Where, Oh Where Has My LITTLE Self Gone??

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

You know, I get on here from time to time to check my page, leave my hubby a comment (or check for one he has left me), or *spin the wheel* to collect sparkpoints for whatever reason, I am still not sure of. But it has become another slightly used social media site for me. It used to be a daily *must* site for me. I logged EVERYthing- my fitness minutes (of course I HAD those back then!), my food consumption, my journal entries, my many blogs I posted, etc., etc. It helped me. It doesn't help me now because I'm not motivated to do any of these things. I'll just be honest here... I haven't been motivated to do these things in quite awhile, not since before my pregnancy. I'm not sure why that is, but something has definitely changed within me and I'm lacking that fire, that passion that once was a driving force for me. I used to have a *never say die* mentality that I was quite proud of. Now, I seem to have more of a *lay down and die mentality*. :( In all honesty, I have been battlling a form of postpartum depression that seems to have gotten the better side of me. Don't get me wrong... I absolutely ADORE my baby girl and have no ill feelings about having her, having been pregnant, etc. Nothing even remotely resembling the things I have ever heard of regarding postpartum depression. That's why it took me so long to even recognize that that's what it was! It was only after speaking to friends, family members, and other random ladies (some here on Spark) that I was like- hey, that's what I'M going through! I have NO drive, whatsoever. I have MOMENTS of drive or motivation and that's it... MOMENTS. Then they're gone. :(

My sweet hubby has tried everything he can think of (and then some!) to help me, bless his heart. I know it must be hard for him to live with me sometimes. But I think he just keeps believing, as I do, that someday, somehow that *spark* will come back and ignite that passion within me again. And by *passion* I don't mean what people typically think of as *passion*. It isn't a sexual reference. That actually is NOT a problem. lol But passion as a driving force, something that compels you to keep going and tackle whatever obstacles come your way.

So today I just randomly and by happenchance, saw a blog by a spark member that inspired me. She has been where I've been (not now, but in the past) and it caused me to remember some of my prior accomplishments. I had already achieved these by the time I met my hubby, but he knows where I've been and how far I've come. It's not enough. I was about midway in my *health journey* when we met. It's almost hard to believe now that I was the one to inspire HIM on his health journey. ;) He has a wealth of fitness knowledge now and I'm very proud of him and his accomplishments. :) But I will be honest... I'm way less motivated by someone who has- say, 20 lbs to lose or is already small and just becomes tone and fit. I'm like- good for you, but I, personally, get nothing from that. The ones that inspire me are the ones who were excessively overweight (as I was) and lose CONSIDERABLE amounts of weight, can finally function as a *normal* person for the first time, etc. Here is what I wrote on this member's blog...

"What an AWESOME blog! Good for you! :)

Anyone that has ever truly been excessively overweight can attest to all of the above mentioned and then some! I DON'T remember when I lost my first 5, 10, 20 lbs., etc. I DO, however, remember when I could sit indian-style again for the first time, didn't have to have my daughter paint my toenails for me, put on my old *stand-by* formal dress just to have it fall to the floor in my complete astonishment. THESE were the *milestones* for me. When I was bending over one day and my daughter exclaimed- "Mom! Where did your BUTT go???!!!" lol

Thank you for bringing these memories back to me and helping to spark the motivation to keep going. :)"

This may very well be what I needed. Just a reminder of where I'VE been in the past. If you've ever looked at my pics, you'd know where that was. emoticon Even though I have far to go, still- I have already come far from where I used to be, too.

Thanks for letting me *voice* my feelings here. Maybe it will help someone else like this lady's blog helped me. Or maybe not. Either way, it has helped me to get them out. :)

Be blessed...
Melanie emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I don't know how I happened across your blog. I just want to give you some words of encouragement to just keep trying what you can when you can. At some point that desire to get back on track will come back. My daughter just had two babies in two years and now she has a decent amount of weight to lose. She wants to lose the weight but with the kids and everything else she wants to do it doesn't leave much time for exercise and eating right. So I can sort of sympathize with you and what you are going through.

    I myself haven't lost what you or some others consider a lot of weight but 53 pounds is a lot to me. It took me some time to get my mind right to do it. And even with just that it has made my life so much more enjoyable. You lost, what did you say, 90 pounds, before you got pregnant, you can lose this weight now too. Just keep trying.

    Anyhow I wish you luck and hope you are able to achieve your dreams sooner rather than later. I'm not old at 42 but I sure wish I would have taken care of business years ago.
    3731 days ago
    Hi Melanie! I am praying for you my friend. I know all to well what you are describing because I have been through it times six. I think the hormones will eventually subside and that spark will begin to get stronger. My baby is 5 months and for me it is finding balance to keep everything going. I feel like that when I really focus on the health then the time with the kids, housework or time with hubby suffers a bit. I am trusting the Lord that He will help me to keep it all in perspective. You have accomplished so much and you know what it takes to get to where you want to go. Thanks for sharing your heart. Please know that you are not alone and we will reach our goals. Veronica emoticon
    3788 days ago
    Taking one day at a time and thinking back to what got you started the first time on your healthy journey will keep you going. You are on an emotional, hormonal roller coaster just having a baby. I remember it taking a good 4 months after having my kiddos to feel like I was ready to get back into the game. You get pretty removed from that focused thinking of changing your body and lifestyle while pregnant. I used to always think "I can't wait to have the baby to get back into the groove again." Easier said then done. You have a child ot care for #1, you have crazy post-partum hormones to deal with #2, and a lack of sleep. Take one day at a time andyou will find your Spark again.
    3788 days ago

    Yes, we CAN and we HAVE... already :) With God as our foundation and blessing us, WE can do ANYTHING!

    I LOVE YOU!!! emoticon
    forever & Always...
    xx me
    3789 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4320568
    emoticon blog *BABY*! I will always be here for YOU! WE can move mountains together and WE WILL!

    Always & Forever,
    3789 days ago
    3789 days ago
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