The suitcase and the small steps forward
Sunday, July 25, 2010
I have not been doing so well and been diciplined enough as for keeping my promises to myself. I have not been consistent in keeping the streaks I aimed for.
Probably too much on my plate. Both food - that is for sure - but also tasks at work and at home. Stress has been taking over, slowly but steadily.
So the weight ticker had to go back some pounds here the other day. And I am gaining hold on the stuff and my eating and drinking habits again and holding the reins a lot tighter.
We arrived home from the last leg of the trip for a couple of days ago, a trip that should have taken 11 hours took more than 36. We were exhausted and tired. I rushed back to work after few hours sleep and have been working hectic and sleeping like dead the rest of the time. So the suitcase was still standing only half unpacked. All the dirty clothes had gone to laundry - but the rest of the stuff was still there.
When unpacking I suddenly realized that things had changed.
Why were there so much clean stuff left in the suitcase?
I looked closer at the pieces that had not been used. The soft, soft bras that do not have a metal insert beneath. The ones I use when the skin becomes red and irritated and hurts. 4 pairs of boxer shorts to have beneath the loose dresses I wear in the heat when the inside of my thighs have lost all the skin and are red and just hurting and stinging? The condition that will make you walk like a pregnant duck if you have nothing to cover the thighs with.
It suddenly became clear to me, that this had been a holiday with humid heat, stressfull travel across the most of the Asian continent, and no severe body damages?
It suddenly dawned at me, that for the first time my trigger limit for "enough is enough" has moved downwards. I am irritated that I slipped back 6 pounds during the last 4 months. I was happy when reaching a BMI below 25, and then somehow lost the firm grip. But being this pissed off and this motivated "just" because of 6 pounds - this is new. My body is even not complaing yet. It is not hindering me in my daily actions, and still the inside of the brain is full with "this has to stop - NOW".
I do believe that I am moving towards being a slim person.
When I rejoined the Spark community and became active here January 2010 I stumbled over a quote from Ladybug. I collected it, because it somehow inspired me, and on the other hand it also induced a feeling of "that I can never achieve"
Thin people gain weight too, but when they gain weight, they gain 5 pounds, start feeling their pants get tight, and then start working to get that 5 pounds off.
Fat people say, "5 pounds? Might as well give up!"
No more all or nothing!
Indulge, then get back into your routine.
Somehow it seems like I am drifting in that direction. Somehow it seems as I am drifting in the direction of becoming a slim person. Tolerance and acceptance limits are narrowing. The "enough is enough" feeling is kicking in faster and more intense. Even though the pounds are not really an obstackle. My thighs are not rubbing against each other for each step I take any more.
I have dragged a lot of support stuff (actually also soothing creams, and lots of other "things I need on this trip") with me for train trips, 6 plane trips, lots of packing and unpacking at a bunch of hotels, many thousand miles - for no reason at all, just adding kilos to my luggage.
Because I usually needed all this for surviving in hot and humid weather. So BMI is back at 26, but the irritation and motivation I feel is way higher than when I started last time with a BMI close to 30.
So maybe Ladybug was right about the difference between slim and fat people? And maybe I am beginning to drift towards the other group?