I swear he's trying to kill me!

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Today has been two years since I had to put down my rottie Mariah. She is in the photo of me in my power chair. It is a sad day for me . I am grateful for Mara coming in to my life and wish daily that we could have saved her two pups. It would have been a very active house.
Yesterday my oldest son and his wife came to visit. Or should I say breezed through. I am very disappointed and feel it would have been better if they hadn't visited at all. Hubby dominate there time and I ended up paying for there gas and lunch. I wanted to talk about the heart surgery and about my belongings and my dogs if something should happen. What I wanted never happened.Very frustrating.
As for hubby. I SWEAR he is trying to kill me. He refuses to cook dinner like he used to and has told me there is nothing wrong with me and has dumped even more crap and a larger work load on me. .We don't have a joint bank account and he wants access to my money. If I did that he's wipe me out. He wants the right to be consulted if there is a problem during surgery. Like I'd trust my life to his judgement ! I am not crazy or stupid. My friend Bill has access to my bank account and has had for the last ten years. I can trust him and not my family. My son is working but still wants more financial help and he'd wipe me out too. Not in malice but bad judgement.
I am not afraid of dying. I'd at least get out of here. What I am stressed about are my dogs and I don't want the jerk I am married to to profit if I die and get my stuff, he'd destroy it all. He doesn't take care of anything including me. Instead of allowing me to rest over the next few days he has made everything more difficult and things are rougher here. I am trying to take it easy and he is doing everything and anything to make it worse. I know he is drinking again! He thinks he is hiding it but I am not stupid and he pulls the same crap so it is predictable. I wish I had more time before the surgery to do a living will and my advanced directive is on file at kaiser and I can't find a printed copy so that has me stressed. I do not have hubby listed on any medical forms so hopefully that will be enough. I'd get better treatment and care if were a convict or political prisoner. My dogs are the only thing holding me together. I worry about what would happen to them. I did get a text from my youngest the minister who says he'll say a prayer for me. I guess that is something! I sure don't feel valued or appreciated by the human family. I get more support here at sparks . You have become my family and support and care about me.
My friend Bill has been calling and talking me through the extra stress telling me I'll make it and I'll eventually get better and be able to get out of here. I pray he's right. He is still trying to get his life in order and move here for a while . I just don't want him to have to referee.
I just wish I knew why go keeps picking me for all the health issues. My hubby is a boozer, has diabete 2 doesn't take care of himself eats peanuts, ice cream and drinks. Is over weight, depressed with panic disorder which he takes medication for and is suppose to be under control. Doesn't bother to shower or wash his clothes or clean his living area.He does nothing and I have been exercising and doing more and more and every time I go to a doctor they find something else wrong. He has had no surgeries during our 33 years where I feel like a medical guinea pig.He says my hospital visits are my vacations! What a jerk!
If I have any problems Bill will post a blog and let everyone know. My spark streaks are gonna have to start all over.
I will continue to pray nightly for all my spark friends and god bless all of you for your help and support.
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  • no profile photo CD2361197
    once an alcohol always an alcoholic I have been there and back so many times and they can be sneeky and you cant trust them. thanks to your friend Bill for being there for you. I wouldnt trust your husband or son. why not get rid of hubby.tell him to get the heck out you dont need the extra stress of him or your son taking your money or other thngs you own.If i was you I would rent a storage unit and start putting things of yours in there and let your friend Bill know and have it written done who gets what etc. have a living well and get it notorized(sp)
    i went thru the same things you have and i do feel your pain no one has has my keys to my self but me.your husband needs help and he wont do it till he hits rock bottom, i wouldnt wash his clothes or cook for him either, if you have a safe place to go or a woman 's shelter near you call them they will help you they did me and i am gratefull for the help they gave me.
    keep us posted and dont feel bad about venting will say prayers for you you have any other children?? dont let hubby have anything of yours he sounds like a very mean abused drunk.
    i pray you can get out of that situation for not only yourself to stay healthier and happy, please get a different dr. and talk to the attorney about all your legal matters and ask ??
    I am glad you have Bill as a friend to help you out. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3984 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My mother went through something that sounds almost identical with my father. She hung in with him for 32 years and put up with his temper, belittling, and abuse. Finally, she decided to leave when he told her he was going to shoot her to death the next time she went to sleep. She had a very long, drawn out divorce. It was one of those divorces you see news shows like dateline or 20/20 about. At the start of her divorce proceedings, she was depressed and on medication for it, she had no self esteem, and was crying daily. It did not seem to get much better as the divorce proceedings went along. She got almost nothing of their assets. What she was awarded, my Dad simply did not give her and denied having it. She was cleaned out and had just a few things she was able to get from the house. At the time, I could not understand how God could let this happen to my mother. She is the kindest, most patient person I know. I was angry at Him for not looking out for her and protecting her. Hadn't she already been through enough? Shortly after her divorce was finalized, we saw a news story about a family that had lost everything in a fire. My mom said you know those people have lost everything they own, and here they are on TV saying how they still have their lives, and they are going to be OK. If they can survive, I can too. We just started referring to her divorce as Hurricane Al - it wiped her out, but did not knock her out. She has since found a good church home, bought a house, and made friends -something my father never allowed her to do before. She has built a life for herself, she is much more self confident and off of her anti-depressants. She knows she has people that love her. She is in a much better place now than she ever was before. Now I understand that God really does not give you a bigger cross than you are able to bear. Those that have tremendous inner strength are given the bigger crosses because they are the ones that can cope. My mom went through this terrible ordeal, but came out all the stronger. I know you can too.

    Having said this, I also believe strongly that prayer helps. I will keep you in my prayers. If you like, I will also add you to the prayer chain at my church. Please do let me know, whether it be for your dogs, your health, or your marriage and family problems.

    God bless and keep you and your poochies! I hope everything works out soon for you.
    4001 days ago
  • 1960ANN
    You may not see it now but things will get better, I am not much into praying but I will do my best in saying some for you. Just take one day at a time, remember your health is what is important right now just make a goal of one thing per day and soon the stress should start to slow down. First find a place for your dogs, everything after that will be a piece of cake.
    4002 days ago
    I am so sorry you are going through all of this! I will keep you in my prayers.

    4007 days ago
  • 0309COOKIE
    I was so sad after reading your blog. I will pray for you that all goes well both before, during, and after your surgery.
    4008 days ago
    Holly,I believe everything has been said,so I will send you many prayers and hugs and may you find peace and healing and a better life than you are living now,as you so deserve it.You are a beautiful person and you are loved and cared for by God and many here at Spark and if I lived closer to you I would find a place for you to recuperate with your doggies by your side,as they need you,as much as you need them.When I had to have a Cardioversion on my heart in April I just happened to mention to family small town attorney's and they typed up the directive and sent it to me online and I came to them on a Monday and signed with witnesses and I had the procedure done on the next day.Where there's will,no pun intended,there's a way.Oh I feel so painfully bad for you and wish life was treating you better.I wish I had a magic wand and could take all the negative out of your life and fill it with positive happiness and healing.I do not have those powers,I can say prayers for you and try to cheer you and anytime you can contact me Sparkmail or otherwise on Spark.Try to be strong,your savior is coming and I can feel it.Keep in touch my new friend Holly,you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your friend Bill will be able to give us an update after your procedure and you will do great and heal. emoticon Diana emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4008 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/2/2010 1:30:29 AM
  • ENUFF81020
    Hi Holly,
    Everytime I have had a procedure in the hospital, they spend part of the time without my husband in the room to ask certain "personal" questions which include something like "Are you living in a safe environment? Do you feel safe in your home?" They also ask if I have a living will or any advanced directives. They have a form that you can fill out and you can specifically tell them who you want involved at each and any level of your treatment and care.
    I understand your closeness to the rotts and what they mean to you. I don't quite have any answers to providing their care--is there a rott rescue group near you? They might be able to help you out. I think you could look that up online. If there is one, they would make sure that your babies are cared for during your hospitalization and confinement. They would love them and give them the care and respect they deserve. This might relieve some of your stress. I love dog rescue groups and I doubt that I would ever get another dog that didn't come from one of them. They do a lot of great things and really are unsung heroes.
    I wish you well and I wish he would just, I don't know--go away and take a long
    Gentle hugs,
    4009 days ago
    aww so sorry to hear the stuff you write...sometimes i feel the same ...i've looked into leaving him but i am to scared to be alone...i am here for ya...

    lots of emoticon

    4009 days ago
    I am sorry for your trials and tribulations. I hope things work out well for you.
    4009 days ago
    Hang in there and stay strong for you and the ones that are sooo important to you! I wish you the best of luck and hope things start looking up for you! emoticon
    4009 days ago

    Don't stress. You know you are doing the best you can and it will all be ok.

    Have you tried to contact some of the agency's I sent to you? I really wish you weren't in the situation you are in.

    Mara is very lucky to have you not the other way around. You are a true blessing to your pups. I am sorry you miss Mariah and have the additional stress on your shoulders.

    I do wish you lived closer to me I would take your pups in a heart beat. Contact a local resue maybe they have some steps to take.

    Stay strong you will fly through the surgery and be much better off for it. Keep lifting it up to God. He does have your best in mind. Stay in faith.


    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4009 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1951302
    Well, it isn't God choosing you for all these trials.This morning our sermon was on just about this same issue. Bad things happen because of the fallen state of the world. They happen to bad people and to good people. However, we who believe, do have God to help us get through and eternal life is waiting for us, while the others don't have that promise.

    Perhaps to ease your mind, you could make a will that you write out yourself, and had two trusted people to sign as witnesses. You decide what you want done with your dogs after finding a good possible situation for them and what you want done with your stuff!
    4009 days ago
    Gee whiz, were I you I would set the health directive when
    you check into the hospital as to what you want done. If
    you cannot trust your husband or your family, then why not
    get thru your surgery and then leave?????????? for your own
    peace of mind.
    May he is trying extra hard to stress you out on purpose.
    Good luck and I'd be gone asap...........if I were you...

    4009 days ago
    You are in my thoughts and prayers. It's even more tough when you don't have the support of your family. I can't believe that your husband is being such a jerk, but it sounds like what he does best. Stick to your guns about not letting anyone have access to your money and/or belongings that you aren't comfortable with. They should be able to help you at the hospital to make sure that you have everything in place regarding your medical decisions.

    May God be with you and see you through this troubling time.

    Love and hugs!!
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    4009 days ago
    What a stressful time! Are there any rescue o foster dog groups you can contact and make plans with them? Some of our local ones are helping military and senior families.
    4009 days ago
    Hi Friend - when you go to the hospital you can ask for paperwork to make out to give your directives. I'm working on mine and because I do not want my sisters to have anything to do to change what I want done I am making Pima Counsel on Aging my power of attorney for any medical situations. You may be able to have that done - Counsel on Aging or one of the other senior legal type organizations. You can call the hospital or your doctor and find out how to do it and add any other things you want. I think it is legal enough. As for your things and the dogs, I don't know what to tell you - If you had some kind of legal stipulation he is not to touch things and you designated what you want done - but that probably won't keep him from burning it down either. Again, some of these situations are what you could talk to the lawyer about anyway, but you just have to do it. Can Bill help you with some of it?? Praying for you, Blessings and Many, many HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, Echo emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4009 days ago
    It hurts me to know that you are going through this almost by yourself. Thank God for your friend and your dogs. I am just trying to get out of a situation very similiar to yours, and my heart goes out to you. My advice is to make it through your surgery (you will be okay) and then make plans for your material belongings and your dogs. Then, get out of Dodge however you have to do it. I'm sending hugs and prayers.
    4009 days ago
    I wish you the best of luck, and looking forward to hearing from you when you get back home.

    4009 days ago
    Dear Rottlady,

    Remember that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. EVERYTHING in life happens for a reason. We can't change other people.........we can only change ourselves. We teach others how to treat us. Life is one damn thing after another...........and...........lif
    e's challenges can only make us stronger.

    I wish you well during these upcoming trials in your life.

    SAGLADY - I care.
    4009 days ago
  • VAMPS351
    Hi, Im so sorry you are having a rough time of it and i know its easier said than done but please try and rest and not stress out. Try and stay will come through the surgery fine. Im glad at least that you have a friend in Bill.
    Please know that i think of you often and i wish you all the best.
    emoticon emoticon
    4009 days ago
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