32 years

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Today is my wedding anniversary. I am almost 57 years old and this is the only wedding where I cried. EVER I tried to back out so many times and everyone told me is was just nerves, what a good match he was being older and having an established career. Boy were they wrong. My friends admitted how he had them all fooled. They believed all his lies. It took years for them to see the real him and realize how mismatched we are. The only one who had him correct was mother and I know now that is takes one abuser to recognize another one. They fought for control of my life till the day she died and then when she was gone the abuse and violence really started. At that time I had no family, home , career and two small boys to protect. I now just have my rottweiler's to worry about and no custody issues to have to contend with. His threats to take my kids are now just filling there heads with lies and partial truths to make himself look better or even the victim. It was always my fault. every argument or time money was tight etc etc you all know the type. He's set me up where I was the only one the boys heard upset. I was the only real parent that ever said NO. He called my friend Bill threatening to turn me in for elder abuse because I was ignoring him and wouldn't talk to him. I thought it was better then fighting and getting stressed or angry. It was working for me. I have told him I am not the entertainment committee nor do I think I am obligated to be so. He stopped making dinners and I started making my own, I felt empowered being in charge of what I had to eat for the entire day. Even when I cooked for both of us that pissed him off ! You know some people just are miserable and no matter what you do it wouldn't be enough, what they wanted or good enough . Last night I made dinner just for me and that didn't make him happy either. Like I said some people you can't make happy. He wanted to go out to eat. I said and celebrate what? He is in a fantasy land and still thinks we are going to stay together that I am over a barrel and will never afford to get out. I told him if I went out with him I wanted to discuss a separation and to work out the details needless to say we aren't eating out tonight. I want to be positive and think of ways to make my wishes come true but I also deal in the reality of the now and make the best I can with what I have to work with. IN Sept I will have the money to have a will taken care of before my knee surgery and I hope to have enough for a separation come Oct. After I get that agreement from him I can hunt for a city that I can afford to live in. SAVE SAVE SAVE for rent and to cover moving costs. For most state funding and help it would take to long even if they had open lists so I will have to do it on my own. I am willing to get food stamps, use food banks and shop the cheap dollar type stores. I am ready and looking forward to all the possibilities out there. I also think living alone will help with my weight problem and my issues of self esteem. When I lived alone I never had weight issues and was a more positive person besides being happier.With Mara at my side I am not afraid to go to the movies alone or even out to eat. She gives me confidence. Without my service dog and the confidence she gives me I most likely wouldn't have the strength to change the status quo. I know god put her in my life for a reason and she gives me strength and comfort.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, you are in my prayers. Thank God for your wonderful service dog!
    3987 days ago
    So sad! I wish you the best in making the right choices for you. It’s your life!
    3993 days ago
    I am in tears,how sad to be unable to celebrate a Anniversary like this one in a happy positive celebration way.Mara loves you so much I can see it in her eyes and the way she looks at you,so adoring and loving,what a beautiful dog.She is a keeper she is.Sounds like you have things so well planned for your future and your positive attitude will give you the strength you need to get to where you want to go.I will say many prayers for your safety and your dogs as well.Take Care and talk to you again. emoticon Diana emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3994 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/20/2010 1:17:16 AM
    I love Mara! (and you!)
    3994 days ago
    emoticon Keeping you in my prayers, wishing you health and happiness!
    3994 days ago
    I guess this won't make me very popular here, but I feel sorry for BOTH of you. You say he is older than you and you're 57, so he's not a spring chicken and he knows you're either leaving him or wanting to leave him. That must be depressing. He also must know that you care more about the dogs than you do him. Granted he may be a jerk, but that's got to hurt! I hope for both your sakes that this toxic situation ends and ends soon, I hope BOTH of you are able to go on and make better lives for yourselves than this totally dismal situation you describe.
    3994 days ago
  • ENUFF81020
    Hi Holly,

    Take care of yourself--you know that you can count on yourself as well as your rotts. Some anniversaries aren't meant to be acknowledged. My son and I have been talking about 9/11 with the same topic. We recognize life's events and then we move on.
    I hope that fibro gives you a break. I have been in a fibro fog the past few days and it has been the most inappropriate time for me to have this. If it's not one thing, it's something else. I am trying to focus on the good things. (Last night, shoulder pain kept waking me up. However, if I hadn't been awakened, I wouldn't have known that one of our sweet baby hamsters had gotten out of his cage somehow and I rescued him as two of the kittens and one of the cats had him cornered. Thank goodness for my shoulder pain!!) There are silver linings to thunder clouds.
    Gentle hugs, my friend,
    3994 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1951302
    Yes, she takes care of you and you take care of her!!!
    3994 days ago
    I love this picture of your rottweiler. I had to have mine put down in May and we adopted another from a breed rescue.
    I would ask about a power of attorney, this supersedes your relationship to your husband and it is the power of attorney that decides medical/financial things when you can't. Make sure you give it to the doctor's office that will be doing the surgery and also a copy to the hospital. You need to tell them up front that you do not want your husband making medical decisions for you because he abuses you. Holly, if he goes with you to these appointments, write it down on a piece of paper and hand it to the doctor when they ask you what medicines you take, put it where they will see it on the list or even by itself. This way you can slip it to them without him knowing. It could say, "My husband abuses me and I want you to use my power of attorney for any decisions that need to be made while I am incapacitated." They may ask him to step out of the room while they question you. If you fear he would be listening, take along paper and write down the answers to their questions.

    I think Bill is the answer to taking care of the dogs and giving you the emotional support you need. Devise a plan of action during your wait. What was said about rottweiler rescues taking care of your rotts while you recover is true in a lot of cases, something else to check into. You can type in rottweiler rescue and your state and see what and where they are.

    3994 days ago
  • no profile photo DIANESNEWLIFE
    WOW! Reading your blog let me know that I'm not alone in my situation. I'm trying to get out of an abusive relationship also and the things your wrote about your husband, I could have written about mine. Nothing on this earth will ever make him happy. It's never enough, he always wants more. And it's always my fault. I'm nothing without him and will not survive without him taking care of me. HA! One day if he ever gets a job, he's going to come home to an empty house. You can do it! And so can I! (I'm checking out Oklahoma City, where rents go from $250 - $650 for a 2 bedroom house.)
    You are doing well to not let him get under your skin, and for not believing the LIES. That's how they control us, keep us in line. Keep socking away money every chance you get. Once you get away from him, you'll be better able to control your weight and you can be happy again! We gotta do whatever it takes to escape the abuse. Hang in there! You'll be free from him soon! emoticon

    3994 days ago
    I LOVED this Blog!!!

    I am so proud of how strong and determined you sound!!

    The plan of action sounds great my friend. I am very happy for you. I wish you could bottle up the strength for when you need it on your low times.

    God is giving you the strength and you will succeed.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3994 days ago
    Best wishes! I pray you will get out of this situation. God bless you!
    3994 days ago
    I wish you strength!

    Good luck.
    3994 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by ROTTLADY