Thursday, August 19, 2010
Today is my wedding anniversary. I am almost 57 years old and this is the only wedding where I cried. EVER I tried to back out so many times and everyone told me is was just nerves, what a good match he was being older and having an established career. Boy were they wrong. My friends admitted how he had them all fooled. They believed all his lies. It took years for them to see the real him and realize how mismatched we are. The only one who had him correct was mother and I know now that is takes one abuser to recognize another one. They fought for control of my life till the day she died and then when she was gone the abuse and violence really started. At that time I had no family, home , career and two small boys to protect. I now just have my rottweiler's to worry about and no custody issues to have to contend with. His threats to take my kids are now just filling there heads with lies and partial truths to make himself look better or even the victim. It was always my fault. every argument or time money was tight etc etc you all know the type. He's set me up where I was the only one the boys heard upset. I was the only real parent that ever said NO. He called my friend Bill threatening to turn me in for elder abuse because I was ignoring him and wouldn't talk to him. I thought it was better then fighting and getting stressed or angry. It was working for me. I have told him I am not the entertainment committee nor do I think I am obligated to be so. He stopped making dinners and I started making my own, I felt empowered being in charge of what I had to eat for the entire day. Even when I cooked for both of us that pissed him off ! You know some people just are miserable and no matter what you do it wouldn't be enough, what they wanted or good enough . Last night I made dinner just for me and that didn't make him happy either. Like I said some people you can't make happy. He wanted to go out to eat. I said and celebrate what? He is in a fantasy land and still thinks we are going to stay together that I am over a barrel and will never afford to get out. I told him if I went out with him I wanted to discuss a separation and to work out the details needless to say we aren't eating out tonight. I want to be positive and think of ways to make my wishes come true but I also deal in the reality of the now and make the best I can with what I have to work with. IN Sept I will have the money to have a will taken care of before my knee surgery and I hope to have enough for a separation come Oct. After I get that agreement from him I can hunt for a city that I can afford to live in. SAVE SAVE SAVE for rent and to cover moving costs. For most state funding and help it would take to long even if they had open lists so I will have to do it on my own. I am willing to get food stamps, use food banks and shop the cheap dollar type stores. I am ready and looking forward to all the possibilities out there. I also think living alone will help with my weight problem and my issues of self esteem. When I lived alone I never had weight issues and was a more positive person besides being happier.With Mara at my side I am not afraid to go to the movies alone or even out to eat. She gives me confidence. Without my service dog and the confidence she gives me I most likely wouldn't have the strength to change the status quo. I know god put her in my life for a reason and she gives me strength and comfort.