Wedding is OFF...now time to focus on ME. =(
Friday, August 20, 2010
Huge update in my life. I was supposed to get married this October 9th...however as of August 9th my fiancé has left, moved out and we no longer even speak. The wedding is off. I will start from the beginning because the reason for the actual breakup will just lead people to judge me and my actions, but there are always reasons behind our actions. Sean was at one point the love of my life, he had a way of making me feel amazing and giving me anything I wanted to make me happy. But nothing in life is free, Sean also had a way with words to make me feel so low, worthless and pathetic that I often cried more than I laughed (this is how it was the past 18 months). He would tell me that he "saved me, i am nothing without him" when i cried he would yell at me, call me a big baby and when I tried to defend myself he would scream more saying things like "who the hell do you even think you are talking to me!" He could be very demeaning. He also got physical on occasions. He would throw me to the ground, hit me, kick me, at one time he choked me until I almost passed out, then let me breath only to choke me again, he repeated this until what felt like forever.
Now I know you all ask why I didnt leave. Well you can only be told your worthless so many times and you believe it. I really thought I couldnt survive without him, without his money and his "stuff" because i was too worthless and little to do that on my own. So i put up with the downgrading and sometimes physical abuse because the next day he felt bad and would buy me off to make me happy again, then life was perfect....until the next time.
Anyway what finally led to the ending of our relationship was the fact that I cheated. Over the summer Sean was away at commercial dive school, I met somebody and I cheated. I grew feelings for him and became very confused. It was nice having a guy who treated me like a person ALL the time. And during good times I forget about the bad with Sean so it made me so confused as to what to do, I couldnt leave Sean and let go of the life I had planned, but I couldnt stop talking to this person who is so amazing and made me feel on top of the world again. In a nutshell my best friend and maid of honor called Sean and told him everything. It was a rough night, he held a loaded 9 mm gun to my head that night, then to his own. He left, he hates me and to him I am dead. Its hard to have somebody I loved so much and who did love me hate me so much now and talk about me like I'm a slut when people dont know my side of the story. Truth is the crazy love between Sean and I died a long time ago, I know this now because I feel for somebody like I should have felt for Sean, its a good feeling. Its sad to give my beautiful ring back but I will meet somebody and get another, and my beautiful wedding dress is in the closet waiting for Mr Right to see me on that day and I promise to make a beautiful bride to him..the RIGHT man that I can be as crazy about as he is to me.
Money is nothing in life, if anything I have found its poison. Its the reason I stuck in the relationship so long and the reason Sean knew he would treat me however he wanted. I am still sad some days, especially since tomorrow is my birthday and I dont have him to celebrate it with. But ultimately I can honestly say I am happy. I'm taking time to focus on me and school and my fitness. I still talk to the guy I grew feelings for, we have things to figure out but I care about him a lot. Updates to follow on my life and what happens I suppose!