Wedding is OFF...now time to focus on ME. =(

Friday, August 20, 2010

Huge update in my life. I was supposed to get married this October 9th...however as of August 9th my fiancé has left, moved out and we no longer even speak. The wedding is off. I will start from the beginning because the reason for the actual breakup will just lead people to judge me and my actions, but there are always reasons behind our actions. Sean was at one point the love of my life, he had a way of making me feel amazing and giving me anything I wanted to make me happy. But nothing in life is free, Sean also had a way with words to make me feel so low, worthless and pathetic that I often cried more than I laughed (this is how it was the past 18 months). He would tell me that he "saved me, i am nothing without him" when i cried he would yell at me, call me a big baby and when I tried to defend myself he would scream more saying things like "who the hell do you even think you are talking to me!" He could be very demeaning. He also got physical on occasions. He would throw me to the ground, hit me, kick me, at one time he choked me until I almost passed out, then let me breath only to choke me again, he repeated this until what felt like forever.

Now I know you all ask why I didnt leave. Well you can only be told your worthless so many times and you believe it. I really thought I couldnt survive without him, without his money and his "stuff" because i was too worthless and little to do that on my own. So i put up with the downgrading and sometimes physical abuse because the next day he felt bad and would buy me off to make me happy again, then life was perfect....until the next time.

Anyway what finally led to the ending of our relationship was the fact that I cheated. Over the summer Sean was away at commercial dive school, I met somebody and I cheated. I grew feelings for him and became very confused. It was nice having a guy who treated me like a person ALL the time. And during good times I forget about the bad with Sean so it made me so confused as to what to do, I couldnt leave Sean and let go of the life I had planned, but I couldnt stop talking to this person who is so amazing and made me feel on top of the world again. In a nutshell my best friend and maid of honor called Sean and told him everything. It was a rough night, he held a loaded 9 mm gun to my head that night, then to his own. He left, he hates me and to him I am dead. Its hard to have somebody I loved so much and who did love me hate me so much now and talk about me like I'm a slut when people dont know my side of the story. Truth is the crazy love between Sean and I died a long time ago, I know this now because I feel for somebody like I should have felt for Sean, its a good feeling. Its sad to give my beautiful ring back but I will meet somebody and get another, and my beautiful wedding dress is in the closet waiting for Mr Right to see me on that day and I promise to make a beautiful bride to him..the RIGHT man that I can be as crazy about as he is to me.

Money is nothing in life, if anything I have found its poison. Its the reason I stuck in the relationship so long and the reason Sean knew he would treat me however he wanted. I am still sad some days, especially since tomorrow is my birthday and I dont have him to celebrate it with. But ultimately I can honestly say I am happy. I'm taking time to focus on me and school and my fitness. I still talk to the guy I grew feelings for, we have things to figure out but I care about him a lot. Updates to follow on my life and what happens I suppose!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Just read this blog after reading your most recent post....you've been through a lot! You are a strong person and you're on the right track. Seems sometimes things happen for reasons.
    3513 days ago
    reading your blog gave me goose bumps! wow girl you have been through so much. your relationship with sean sounds similar to my past relationship with tim. He was verbally abusive and I kept up with it for 5 years. I thought he was the one and things would get better and they never did. It was way more tears and heart ache then happy times. You and me both deserve someone to make us happy. I'm glad you were able to realize you don't need him. Now for the hard part, not to take him back when he wants you back. Be strong remember Mr. Right is out there. I'm proud you. We are some strong girls!
    3513 days ago
  • MARLIE13
    Wow! What a story. I'm so happy you are looking out for yourself as #1 now.
    3514 days ago
  • TARAJO1720
    Thank you all for you support. It has been the best decision for me and I am very happy. Last night my parents threw a bondfire and all my family came out and drank and we took turns throwing wedding invitations in the fire while saying something about Sean they had always wanted to say but never had to balls to tell me while I was with him (apparently nobody liked him EVER) So it was fun and it made me laugh. Im blessed with such amazing family and friends and my spark friends that I cant possibly be sad. Love you all!
    3515 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7547131
    You've done the right thing. It had to be tough, no doubt...but its much better than having stuck through it despite your unhappiness. You've saved yourself a lot of pain on so many levels. You didn't deserve the abuse...and no one should ever make you cry, especially intentionally. You know that, though... and the gun thing.. Holy sh-t girl, I'd get myself a restraining order if I were you. I really feel for you. I've been through an awful, but short, marriage and a divorce (complete with custody nightmares) but that divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was poison in my life and when it all started, he was totally the opposite.

    I had a distant friend who called off her wedding - not really sure why, but she and her guy called it quits and never spoke again. She ended up just throwing a catered party at the reception spot (she couldn't get refunded or anything) and got her cake decorated differently to celebrate the occasion. She had a blast with all her bridesmaids (dunno what she ended up calling them when it became an anti-wedding) and her family. They had the photographer come and everything. I sort of wish I got to be in on that party. :) I don't know what your plans are in regards to all that stuff, but I thought I'd at least pass on the idea. Make it ALL about YOU!!

    Keep your head up!! And keep on Sparking.. You're going to be the BEST you ever have been!! :)
    3515 days ago
    Wow...I wasn't expecting that. Hold your head high and keep that great attitude. I have been there too and it was not what I deserved....no one deserves that. You have so many things to be proud of today and to look forward to tomorrow. Have a great birthday!!! I will be thinking about you...
    3517 days ago
    congrats on getting out of an abusive relationship. No one deserves that emoticon
    3517 days ago
  • CKAY22
    Wow... i am very sorry to hear about the cancellation of your wedding... but that was clearly NOT a healthy relationship you had in the first place. You need to take time being alone, and do all the things you want in life. I would not have any contact with this "man" if you can call him that. I hope you focus on yourself and get healthy and you will be happy!!! xoxox, you have alll the support you need here with your sparkfriends!
    3517 days ago
    3517 days ago
    Congratulations on getting out of the abusive relationship before marrying Sean. I was married to a man similar to Sean for 40 years...finally, he left me and hooked up with someone really "needy." The day he left ranks near the top of being the best day of my life. Go forward, and never look back. You've saved yourself from years of abuse and torture. Best wishes to you for a very bright future. You are SPECIAL, and you are very IMPORTANT!!!!! The one with the problem is SEAN, and NOT YOU!!!!! Best wishes in reaching all of your health and fitness goals.
    3517 days ago
    It's tough to get out of abusive relationships. Congratulations... in hindsight it will probably be the best decision you ever made.

    I'm glad you're on Spark & focused on your health & your future!
    3517 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6145574
    happy birthday. you are better off without that jerk. everything happens for a reason. good luck emoticon emoticon
    3517 days ago
    Girl, my mother stayed in a relationship with one of those guys and I spent many years wishing I was given up for adoption. your future children will thank me for telling you to get healthy, learn to love who you really are, and find someone that deserves you. emoticon
    3517 days ago
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