time standing still
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Here it is September, I am still unemployed, but I am doing good in school. I am proud of myself. I am getting A's and so far one B. Considering that in February I stopped taking my meds, I am doing ok.
I have my moments just before my cycle that I cry uncontrollably and get so angry with myself for being in the position I am in. I mean here I am at 50 going back to school to change the way I am living. I am changing everything. I have been in restaurants since I was 16 and I don't know any other way of living. But Because of what my sister said to me I am changing my life.
She made me feel like I was a looser for being myself. how shallow she is. Just because I do not make a 6 figure income she thinks it's wrong the way I live. So what I am like the one in six Americans who live below poverty, I have a roof over my head (for now) but I am trying.
Maybe I am not trying hard enough, maybe I should have done this years ago. But the point is I am doing it now. I haven't told her, in fact I refuse to talk to her. I have made it a point not to talk to people like her my whole life. I now tell people who ask that I am an only child. why make myself be open to questions that I don't want to answer. Talking to her only reminds me of how much my mother disliked me and disrespected me. Had no real clue about me, even though I did try to talk to her about it. Little did I ( my no trusting self) realize that she would twist things around to make up what she wanted to my sisters.
It doesn't matter, I am proud of who I am most of the time. Even though I will never hear my mother tell me that she is proud of me. Sometimes it doesn't matter. And when I am finished with school, I will throw myself a party, a big party. Because I will be better off in the long run.
Today I feel better about myself, will I tomorrow? maybe. we will see.