Bass Ackward

Friday, October 01, 2010

It has been eight months since my last entry, and I can totally tell. I have to make a change. I HAVE to make a change. Earlier in the year I went from one relation that was meh into one that was not so good and I ate my way throught the break up.

That was okay, because I shortly discoverd Roller Derby and I thought, "Self, this will be a fun way to get out some aggression and to get fit." then I started some math classes. I dropped out of high school because I could not pass geometry, so it ment a lot to prove to myself that I am at least smart enough to make it through my degree.

Some place in there my son was diagnosed with Sensory Intigration Dysmorphic Disorder (SIDD). This has been so trying since I am a perfectionist and I convinced myself that his diagnoses ment I was a bad mother.

I stepped on the scale ten weeks ago and found that I was now at a new all time high of 233lbs. I made a promise to myself when I was in jr. high and fell below 200lbs that I would never ever ever be above 210 ever in my life. And look... I failed again.

In this realization I took control. I started extreme dieting. 1,200 colories max each day, derby practice three nights a week for two hours, constantly moving and go go going. I would even read interviews of thin modles and actresses who state they are hungry all the time to convince myself that the pain in my stomach was "normal". I lost 27 pounds in ten weeks! I was exhasted and ready to jump off of a bridge if that ment I could stop being hungry.

I am so so so so sad all the time. But this is what beautiful feels like right? While I was going on my exersize craziness I entered inot a karaoke contest and won in regionals and was sent off to NV to sing my heart out.

I splurged. I ate fast food, slow food, hot food, cold food, fried food, and I think I had a cup of fruit...because it was covered in cholcolate. I ate early morings, late nights, mid day, late day, and all day. I figured vacation equaled vacation from responsibility.

My life long dream has been to sing and be an actress. When I climbed onto the stage I was so aware of all the eyes looking at me. I froze. A cow is on stage and mooing, I thought, who wants to see that. I choked. I threw away a chance at $25,000 and the privilage of recording a demo. I failed.

I have the worlds fittest and active son, but I can't enjoy his energy because I am tired or depressed. I HAVE TO CHANGE!

No more goals, deadlines, or contests. I have chosen to stop smoking and stop punishing myself. I am worthy of love, dreams and happiness. Now, I need to start believing what I tell others, I AM WORTHY!

P.S. I am back up to 223lbs but this time every pound lost will be lost the right way.
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  • RADGURRL1980
    You CAN do it! Its so easy to say, right? I know you really can. I feel your pain and your courage. Reaching out can be so hard to do for US perfectionists! But you did and that is the first step to success. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not worthy... Especially yourself! Be you own best friend. If you aren't on your side, girl, NOBODY is! I have a piece of advice, every morning, look in the mirror and say one thing you love about yourself. These daily affirmations will help so much, no matter how silly it may sound. You are a good mother and a strong woman and you are worthy of every happiness in this world. Keep your chin up! emoticon
    3849 days ago
    I'm in the same boat. I lost 85 pounds and was determined never to see 200 on the scale again. Then, there I was at 280+ again and I was so angry at myself for failing. It is the worst feeling.

    But I know I can do it again. And so can you! Like you said, you are worthy!

    3849 days ago
    You are worthy...We are all worthy of being healthy and happy.
    3849 days ago
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