Friday, October 01, 2010
It has been eight months since my last entry, and I can totally tell. I have to make a change. I HAVE to make a change. Earlier in the year I went from one relation that was meh into one that was not so good and I ate my way throught the break up.
That was okay, because I shortly discoverd Roller Derby and I thought, "Self, this will be a fun way to get out some aggression and to get fit." then I started some math classes. I dropped out of high school because I could not pass geometry, so it ment a lot to prove to myself that I am at least smart enough to make it through my degree.
Some place in there my son was diagnosed with Sensory Intigration Dysmorphic Disorder (SIDD). This has been so trying since I am a perfectionist and I convinced myself that his diagnoses ment I was a bad mother.
I stepped on the scale ten weeks ago and found that I was now at a new all time high of 233lbs. I made a promise to myself when I was in jr. high and fell below 200lbs that I would never ever ever be above 210 ever in my life. And look... I failed again.
In this realization I took control. I started extreme dieting. 1,200 colories max each day, derby practice three nights a week for two hours, constantly moving and go go going. I would even read interviews of thin modles and actresses who state they are hungry all the time to convince myself that the pain in my stomach was "normal". I lost 27 pounds in ten weeks! I was exhasted and ready to jump off of a bridge if that ment I could stop being hungry.
I am so so so so sad all the time. But this is what beautiful feels like right? While I was going on my exersize craziness I entered inot a karaoke contest and won in regionals and was sent off to NV to sing my heart out.
I splurged. I ate fast food, slow food, hot food, cold food, fried food, and I think I had a cup of fruit...because it was covered in cholcolate. I ate early morings, late nights, mid day, late day, and all day. I figured vacation equaled vacation from responsibility.
My life long dream has been to sing and be an actress. When I climbed onto the stage I was so aware of all the eyes looking at me. I froze. A cow is on stage and mooing, I thought, who wants to see that. I choked. I threw away a chance at $25,000 and the privilage of recording a demo. I failed.
I have the worlds fittest and active son, but I can't enjoy his energy because I am tired or depressed. I HAVE TO CHANGE!
No more goals, deadlines, or contests. I have chosen to stop smoking and stop punishing myself. I am worthy of love, dreams and happiness. Now, I need to start believing what I tell others, I AM WORTHY!
P.S. I am back up to 223lbs but this time every pound lost will be lost the right way.