Invisible - A personal blog of struggles
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I have been dreading writing this blog for a long time. I have been on Sparkpeople reading blogs and trying to inspire others on their journey, while at the same time struggling in my own journey. Please understand that this is a personal story and I am not writing for sympathy but only in an effort to understand my own story and struggles and to determine how to proceed.
I have been on a plateau in my weight loss journey for several months. That in itself is not the problem, but rather the other emotions I have been feeling, which I acknowledge could be contributing to that plateau. For the last several months I have been feeling like I am invisible. I go to work, endure my social obligations, but at the same time have the feeling that I don’t really exist. The only time I have interactions with people is when they need something. Part of this is by choice, but part of it is more because I am the go to person when people seem to have problems. In the last two months I cannot recall one time when a person in my life has asked me how I was doing and honestly meant it. What do I mean you may ask? Usually people only ask me how I’m doing after launching into a diatribe about their lives and problems and after I have spent more energy than I care to trying to make them feel better. It is only at this point do they ask me how I am doing, but not before immediately turning the conversation back to something else. I don’t mean that the people in my life are shallow or anything, but rather than that somehow people have gotten the impression that I have a perfect life or something (or maybe that nothing in my life is worth their time or effort). Have I somehow made people believe this? If I have, how to I change that perception without being one of those people who come off like “poor me”?
Unfortunately, this feeling of invisibility has led to a great deal of stress in my already stressful life. I have been spending time trying to figure out how to become a person people want to be around, but I don’t know how. That probably doesn’t make sense, and people will probably say that the problem is that I am insecure and I need to become more confident and the rest will come with it. But how do you do that when you feel totally alone and when you reach out to people nobody is there? I am aware that I am likely coming off as a depressed person. I will admit that maybe there is some depression there, but honestly I am working on it and I don’t let those feelings define me.
I say this is a hard blog to write because over the past several weeks while I have been fighting illness, exhaustion, stress, and feelings of worthlessness, I have continued to read blogs and try to inspire others when I have no inspiration in my own journey. During that time I have read countless blogs and comments about how people choose to be happy and then I look at my life and once again I am forced to wonder what is so wrong with me. I get up in the morning, put on a happy face and try to “fake it till I make it.” The problem is that I go to a job where I am ridiculed or deal with people who only want to use me and I wonder, what is wrong with me that my choice of happiness doesn’t matter. Yet despite this, I continue to hide my frustrations from those around me and be what everyone wants me to be.
I have resigned myself over the last few months to not stress about the scale refusing to budge. I continue to work on at least maintaining as I deal with the day to day struggles. I continue to plug along and encourage others as I want to cry because their journeys and lives seem so much better and easier than mine. I know every person’s journey is different and I am not saying that my life is all bad, but even on Sparkpeople I feel there is this group that I will never belong to. I feel like an imposter and ghost posting on the boards and encouraging people when I can’t seem to find any encouragement myself. I will admit that I have had several moments over the last months where I have given serious consideration to just quitting, but truthfully the only reason I don’t is because I don’t want to give up and that is not who I am.
I can already hear people saying that I need to speak with someone about the depression and it’s all in my head. Maybe I do and maybe it is, but truthfully I know part of the problem is the medication I am on and until the doctor can switch me to something else, I will continue to deal with life one day at a time. Despite all the difficulties over the last few months I plan on sticking with Sparkpeople. Whether I am invisible or matter to people is of little or no consequence anymore. I know that the kind words I may be able to offer to others may just keep them from experiencing the pain I am feeling.
I know this is not eloquently written, but the intent was more to get my feelings out. My hope is that now that I have put my feelings out I can move past them. I will continue on my journey and hope that these struggles I have been encountering will propel me forward and make me stronger. Every obstacle I conquer only makes me stronger and more prepared for whatever may come next.