Invisible - A personal blog of struggles

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I have been dreading writing this blog for a long time. I have been on Sparkpeople reading blogs and trying to inspire others on their journey, while at the same time struggling in my own journey. Please understand that this is a personal story and I am not writing for sympathy but only in an effort to understand my own story and struggles and to determine how to proceed.

I have been on a plateau in my weight loss journey for several months. That in itself is not the problem, but rather the other emotions I have been feeling, which I acknowledge could be contributing to that plateau. For the last several months I have been feeling like I am invisible. I go to work, endure my social obligations, but at the same time have the feeling that I don’t really exist. The only time I have interactions with people is when they need something. Part of this is by choice, but part of it is more because I am the go to person when people seem to have problems. In the last two months I cannot recall one time when a person in my life has asked me how I was doing and honestly meant it. What do I mean you may ask? Usually people only ask me how I’m doing after launching into a diatribe about their lives and problems and after I have spent more energy than I care to trying to make them feel better. It is only at this point do they ask me how I am doing, but not before immediately turning the conversation back to something else. I don’t mean that the people in my life are shallow or anything, but rather than that somehow people have gotten the impression that I have a perfect life or something (or maybe that nothing in my life is worth their time or effort). Have I somehow made people believe this? If I have, how to I change that perception without being one of those people who come off like “poor me”?
Unfortunately, this feeling of invisibility has led to a great deal of stress in my already stressful life. I have been spending time trying to figure out how to become a person people want to be around, but I don’t know how. That probably doesn’t make sense, and people will probably say that the problem is that I am insecure and I need to become more confident and the rest will come with it. But how do you do that when you feel totally alone and when you reach out to people nobody is there? I am aware that I am likely coming off as a depressed person. I will admit that maybe there is some depression there, but honestly I am working on it and I don’t let those feelings define me.

I say this is a hard blog to write because over the past several weeks while I have been fighting illness, exhaustion, stress, and feelings of worthlessness, I have continued to read blogs and try to inspire others when I have no inspiration in my own journey. During that time I have read countless blogs and comments about how people choose to be happy and then I look at my life and once again I am forced to wonder what is so wrong with me. I get up in the morning, put on a happy face and try to “fake it till I make it.” The problem is that I go to a job where I am ridiculed or deal with people who only want to use me and I wonder, what is wrong with me that my choice of happiness doesn’t matter. Yet despite this, I continue to hide my frustrations from those around me and be what everyone wants me to be.

I have resigned myself over the last few months to not stress about the scale refusing to budge. I continue to work on at least maintaining as I deal with the day to day struggles. I continue to plug along and encourage others as I want to cry because their journeys and lives seem so much better and easier than mine. I know every person’s journey is different and I am not saying that my life is all bad, but even on Sparkpeople I feel there is this group that I will never belong to. I feel like an imposter and ghost posting on the boards and encouraging people when I can’t seem to find any encouragement myself. I will admit that I have had several moments over the last months where I have given serious consideration to just quitting, but truthfully the only reason I don’t is because I don’t want to give up and that is not who I am.

I can already hear people saying that I need to speak with someone about the depression and it’s all in my head. Maybe I do and maybe it is, but truthfully I know part of the problem is the medication I am on and until the doctor can switch me to something else, I will continue to deal with life one day at a time. Despite all the difficulties over the last few months I plan on sticking with Sparkpeople. Whether I am invisible or matter to people is of little or no consequence anymore. I know that the kind words I may be able to offer to others may just keep them from experiencing the pain I am feeling.

I know this is not eloquently written, but the intent was more to get my feelings out. My hope is that now that I have put my feelings out I can move past them. I will continue on my journey and hope that these struggles I have been encountering will propel me forward and make me stronger. Every obstacle I conquer only makes me stronger and more prepared for whatever may come next.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I can relate to your blog. I am where you are alot of times these days. You know what you are talking to someone you are talking to your spark family. I am glad you got all of this off of your chest. You are not holding it in anymore. We are here for you to talk to and vent. Its ok to vent and talk to us. You are not invisible. You are our family. I have a 10min rule. Because I dont take much time for myself never have the end of last year, I started my 10min rule. I take 10 mins for me only. I might be walking around in the house or just in my room sitting there doing whatever I want. Its been MY time. I have noticed I feel better and have worked in more than 10 mins lately it feels good. Everything is going to work out for you and you can talk to me whenever you want. I will listen. The ride may get rough but stay on the horse it will be worth it in the end
    3752 days ago
    I relate to so much of this blog. I can see why you relate to mine. This isn't all in your head...I promise. Maybe people see you as strong and capable which makes them unaware of your needs or makes them feel insecure in being able to offer you support. Reach out. People here care for you and I promise...YOU ARE NOT INVISIBLE!
    3752 days ago
  • 46SHADOW
    I had a time in my life where I had to consciously seek out people who were supportive of me.The difference in my quality of life is incredible. That was my experience. Good luck to you!
    3795 days ago
    I'm so glad you wrote this -- what you're feeling is very hard, and I'm sure it's not 'all in your head.'

    I don't have any quick fixes for you, but I do hope you'll hang in with Spark...and perhaps things will begin to feel better soon. It is a good thing to take time for sort through life, feelings...whatever it as the other Sparkers have said, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

    Hugs to you!! emoticon emoticon
    3795 days ago
    I think this kind of introspection is normal and the key to true freedom - after all, how can we solve things in our lives if not to first speak honestly about them?

    Bravo to you. Keep on searching and looking and asking the tough questions like any warrior would do - you are doing just great.

    I believe you are showing great courage with this revealing kind of honesty.

    And I am so proud of you.

    I am sure you are very great friend and I am so sorry that you feel this way.

    Battle on warrior. Conquer this life - your way.

    Big hugs and much love on this upcoming holiday. Cheers.

    3795 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6721736
    I know I haven't known you that long...but I can say aren't invisibly! We here on Spark are all here for you...and care about your journey. If the scale has caused alot of stres...I would suggest putting it away for awhile. I did this a couple weeks ago because it was honestly not good for me. I am still working as hard as I can but trying to not just focus on a number...maybe this will work for you.Let me know if you need any support!
    3819 days ago
    Hey girl! First of all, ironically, I am back here on Spark, after declaring I was going to sleep hours ago, because I sensed something on 'facebook' of all the highschool dramatic places, that spun me and my brain into an incessant stream of thinking, that now I can't sleep, because I am feeling somewhat similar to you. Please know that I appreciate and value your friendship, caring and endless compassion you have shown me.

    Don't give up on Spark!

    Just give up on believing that you are the things you feel, and become the things you wish you were. I KNOW! Way easier said than done. I am working on this each and everyday!

    Lets do it together!

    Lets write a blog, describing in point form what we 'believe' ourselves and what we believe others believe us to be, which is in our minds, something we don't want to agree with anymore, and why we feel that way, and than a list of the attributes of what we want.

    We will burn the negative list and post the positive list on our mirrors, doors, whatever, wherever! Even update our statuses with our new positive affirmations, and see where it gets us!

    What do you say? You with me?
    3826 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/20/2010 3:13:12 AM
  • ERINBEAR1876
    I just finally got to reading your blog, and I am so sorry you feel this way. But, know that you are NOT invisible. At least, not to me. You are an amazing person who cares about so many others that you forgot to leave room for yourself. It is so hard sometimes to put ourselves first, but I found that the only way I can be successfully happy and have my journey continue moving forward is by loving myself and realizing that although I will never be perfect, I am a good person. Just as you are.

    *HUGS* to you, and thank you for posting this, just to get it all out there! It is NOT all in your head, and you are going to have these feelings, but hopefully you will come to realize that you are just a wonderful person, and someone I am so happy and proud to know and to grow with!
    3828 days ago
    I really like the Zapper analogy Janleh uses. Something that is normally hard for all of us to admit is that we HAVE to take care of ourselves to be able to be of any real help to others. YOU need to be #1 to YOU.

    It sounds as though you are a truely wonderful person and here's a suggestion that may or may not work for you. The next time someone at work comes to you and drones on and on about the same problem that they've been droning on about "forever".... interrupt them with a "what are you doing or going to do about it?" And then just stare at them. (If nothing else, their expression should give you a bit of a chuckle for later).

    DISCLAIMER: I don't mind listening to people or even offering some advice if that's what they are looking for. But, I have my own issues as well and I quickly run out of patience for people that only want to complain to someone and NEVER try and change/fix anything.

    I hope you have a better week this week!!!!!! (sarcasm helps me! LOL)

    3829 days ago
    Are you my twin? My conscience? Because I've been feeling the same way for a long time! I will say I agree JANLEH, your compassion well is empty and it's time for you to focus on yourself. Take care of yourself. It isn't selfish. I need to practice what I preach because I have a difficult time with this myself. If I am not taking care of everyone else, making sure they are happy and trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I'm being selfish. BUT I do know one thing: WE NEED TO BE SELFISH! We need to take care of US for a change and not worry about everyone else. I don't know what else to say...
    Keep blogging, keep trying and keep sparking.
    emoticon emoticon
    3829 days ago
    It sounds like your "compassion well" is empty. Please try to focus on yourself - it is not a selfish thing to do. If you can, try to weed out the energy zappers in your life. Even if you can get rid of one or two at the beginning. Don't answer the phone if you have call display and you know it's a "zapper". Pretend to be busy or just about to do something or go somewhere, if a "zapper" drops by to see you and chat about their problems. You might lose a few, but you'll find that they aren't necessary in your life. Try to reach out to someone you are close to and certainly, talking to a professional might just be the best thing that you can do right now. Please know that I understand how you are feeling, been there/done that! Focus on you and your well being. I hear you.

    3829 days ago
    You are an important person. You aren't invisible, even though I'm sure you feel that way. I've been there and know exactly what you're saying, but I don't know what to say to make you feel better. One thing that might help though is getting on here and blogging regularly. I have "met" some great, supportive people here. I hope you get to the end of the tunnel soon. emoticon
    3829 days ago
  • SROUS1340
    I'm really sorry that you are going thru this and yes, some medication may help you feel better. I take a very low dose of an antidepressent and it really does help feel a whole lot better about things that I can't or won't change.

    I understand exactly what you mean when you say that no asks or seems to care how you are. I found that in my real life, I was the happy face, the problem solver, the rock. I really have found a huge amount of support at SP. I have a core group of 5 people who really and truly care about me and check in on me when they don't here from, they celebrate my successes, suffer my losses and pray for me to achieve my goals and dreams. I don't know specifics about you, your age or where you live, but I'm betting that if you look here on this site you can find a few buddies who will really support you and appreciate your support. You don't have to put the happy face on, sometimes you do have to fake it till you make it, but no one can do that all the time and still be geniune.
    Don't stress, don't give up, keep looking, you'll find your peeps. emoticon
    3829 days ago
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