Things that make you go Hmm part 2
Thursday, October 28, 2010
A couple of weeks ago we went to a haunted house attraction with a guy he works with and a girl I work with (not a double date) Anyway I was SO excited!!! I mean I hadn't been out in at least a year!! (oh and I work locked up alone on 3rd shift if this is your first time reading one of my blogs I don't get a lot of contact with people at all) I wanted to look hot!! My 16 yr old and I went shopping and she picked out an outfit that every body said looked good but after seeing how morbid I look in the pictures I have to wonder. I had already known that I wasn't going to get any kind of reaction from my husband. But I had heard a little bit about this traveler that we were bringing along. I didn't want to disappoint him. It was a great night everybody had a blast!!! But my heart ached because I wasn't getting the reactions from my man that I wanted to get. Then on the way home "Joe" asked me why if I didn't like my body don't I do something about it... now he didn't just come out or was being smug I through out the night made a few comments that were negative about my body, in a jokingly but very serious way. Like I would have to have plastic surgery before I could cross off skinny dipping on my bucklist... And my reply was basically this "I did try and was doing a pretty good job at it, but I lost all my motivation because of some things that have happened that last couple of years between hubby and myself. Plus its easier to be invisible when your this big." He told me and so did my friend I had a great personality... the next day he text hubby and asked if he offended anybody, in my mind I had been wondering the same thing. So I had hubby txt him back asking did I scare him, his reply NO! She was awesome but he wished he could have gotten to know my friend better. I was happy and sad at the same time. He thought I was AWESOME!!!! but my friend who is single is alot prettier and has a much better body is who he wanted to get to know better. I know I am married!! God forgive me!!! But just to have a MALE say that to me!! Hubby doesn't even mind when other guys flirt with me or give me a compliment he says it boosts myself esteem and I need that. And at the end of the day he is the one who has me.
Here is another situation that shows a big red flag for me... usually when hubby leaves for out of town work I get totally motivated to change something about myself . Not this time!!! perhaps its because I know he is only going to be gone a few weeks this time and they are coming back for a couple days this weekend. But I was excited for him to leave because when he is out of town he will actually try and talk to me on the phone or pretend to be some what interested in my dialogue nope not this time and guess what I don't care... I didn't get to talk him yesterday barely at all maybe 10 mins and no texting really. It didn't break my heart!!! I didn't keep calling until I got to hear him... I want to talk to somebody who WANTS TO TALK HOURS about silly stuff or plan activities together dang it!!!! I want somebody who when I ask for encouragement I get more than "I love you very much and can't wait to see you friday"!!!! I asked him to give me some words of encouragement because I was beating myself, and telling myself I wasn't good enough to be picked for something!!! It almost felt like he didn't believe in me either!!! Am I totally off on this?? I'm sure I am a bit I tend to be, thats part of my nature. But who wants to get all dressed up and look good to impress their man to hear this ... Oh by the way you did look nice tonight, goodnight... kiss on the forehead and he rolls over and is out.
And now I want to have a Halloween Party with costumes in hopes he invites other males... But on the other hand I'm glad I don't have time to plan one cuz I couldn't wear a sexy costume anyway, I should be accused of adultery just for writing this. Thank You God for your Grace!!
Its my nature to want to look good (even though I never do) and I know if I had somebody who showed interest in me I would be in 7th heaven and would want to do those sit ups and push ups... I don't need to hear the you need to do this for yourself speech...
Thats not my goal in this... I want to know if I stay fat so I don't wander a way from my hubby...