Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Today is a sad day for me and quite a few others who knew Lynn and feel for what she is going through.
Yesterday i opened a e mail from Barb a friend that I have worked with and is the driving force behind our group of women who dine together once a month.
Lynn is Barbs better friend, neighbor, they are like sisters. Lynn has always joined us every month and she is one of the group.
Saturday night her husband laid down at 7:30 and she went to check on him at 8:00 and he had passed away. No notice, no time to prepare for such a tragedy. Just one minutes talking and the next gone. He was only 57 years old.
I can only begin to feel what she is going through.
Thirty years ago I experienced a tragic death. I talked to my ex husband on a Tuesday night and on Thursday got a call telling me he was dead.
I remember the voice of his brother sounding far away, there was a ringing in my ears, the room seem to be moving. I did not believe him, told him not to kid like that. He said it's no joke. All I could think was what would I say to our daughter as I looked across the room at her . Telling her was the hardest thing i have ever had to do.
On Tuesday she had kissed him good by and now two days later he was dead.
She loved him more than anything,. And regardless of any differences we had he was the most loving father there could be. He doted on his daughter.
The next few days were a blur . I walked through them as if in a trance.
I remember saying I didn't have anything to ware. I lived in Miami Beach. I had no black winter clothes. Maybe a black cocktail dress. I couldn't show up in that. My daughter had nothing to ware either . This was one time I did not want to going shopping. I wanted someone else to pick out something for us. My girlfriend came to my rescue. She was my size , and she knew my daughters size. She bought us clothes that were correct for a funeral. Finding winter clothes in Miami is not easy and had to be black or dark blue.
Thank god for the family making arrangements, for I was a zombie. Could only console my daughter. I don't remember crying,. I thought I had to stay strong for my her.
I remember the family viewing, I asked if I could be alone with him, someone asked if I was OK. maybe they thought I would do something , seems they had concern on their faces. I was finally alone and I just remember sitting and talking. Talked bout the good times, I remember saying that i would see that our Daughter would grow up to be a wonderful young women. She would go to collage , get married and she would love him forever. And I will never say a bad word about you. I remember saying good night I was tired, it was like he was still there with me just resting. I had not accepted the fact that he was really gone.
The next day at the funeral, people came by and paid there condolences, I remember lots of heartfelt words, but I was not really listening. It all seemed to be happening to someone else.
As I walked up to pay my last respects and put a picture and letter I had written in the casket , I felt my knees buckle and his brother had to hold me up. It had finally hit me this was it, the last time I would see him, it was real, he was really gone. I felt an enormous pain, and anger. I was angry at him for dying and at God for letting something like this happen. Once again I questioned my faith. Once again I asked WHY ???
Some how I got through that moment , reached out to my daughter and we just held each other and cried. But the question of why never went away. The pain and anger remained .
Later back at the house I went out back and cried till I though I would never stop, but finally I did and I knew I had to carry on. I was the only parent my daughter had now and I had to be strong.
that happen over 30 years ago. But when I read where Lynn lost her husband with no warning it flooded my mind and brought back memories that been dormant for years.
This morning I woke up to such sadness, I had had some dreams of my husband and I woke up crying. I knew I did not want to spend the day feeling remorse and pain and sadness.
So I went into the kitchen and addressed the issue like I always have when faced with a overwhelming crisis or problem. I cook. I made a dish to take to the wake and I made a cake.
I know I could pick something us ready made, but there is so much more love goes into home made foods that show the caring of individuals.
Cooking has always been my outlet. In the past I would eat what I cooked and that led to more problems. But this time I have control of that part of my life.
But I still have the question of why the good the decent have to leave this world prematurely and the scum bags the dredges of the earth get to stick around and create mayhem and havoc on others.
When my childhood friend Ruthie died at 13, I asked why? I was told because God need her in Heaven . Being the good little church Christians girl I was I accepted that. But as I grew up , I had more questions and no one could really answer me Why?
Why the good ones, the innocent children the young men and women, leaving behind families loved ones. Take the bad people, they will not be missed.
But no one and I mean even after studying Theology and all kind of religions , nobody can answer that question.
So I had my faith, but it is shattered and I wonder what to believe.
Later this morning as I took a large vitamin C pill and it got caught in my throat, I could not breath. I was gasping for breath, I drank water trying to dislodge it or have is start to dissolve , I was praying to God not to choke to death. I finally ran into the kitchen and took a swallow of Diet Cole, it eats up anything. It dissolved the pill and I finally got my breath. All this happen in seconds but seems like an eternity. Was God teaching me a lesson.??? Don't doubt him.??
I thanked God for not letting me choke to death . I am not ready to die.. Is anybody really ready?
Of course I still believe in God, but I still asked WHY?
I am off now to take care of some things . I am going to stop by the church and see if I can talk to the Priest . I guess I might go to confession too. I feel like I need some spiritual guidance in my life. Maybe I have strayed too far, I need to get back in touch.
I try to live each day with love and understanding in my heart. We never know when that time for each of us will come. I just pray that my family has some time to prepare, it's easier that way. As if passing can ever be easy.
I want my family to rejoice in the life I led not morn the passing of my life.
I hope by writing this down, I will feel better and the pain and hurt that still lingers will fade back into the past.
Peace and Love