Rumpelstiltskin: The Exercise Version
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Once there was a miller who was poor, but who had a beautiful, yet obese, daughter. Now it happened that he had to go and speak to the town baker who was in financial dilemma. You see, the baker made the worst cakes in the whole town. In order to make himself appear important and to impress the baker, the miller said to him, "I have a daughter who can turn any vegetable into the most decadent, most fattening, most delicious chocolate cake in the world." The baker said to the miller, "That is an art which pleases me and my stomach well. If your daughter is as clever as you say, bring her tomorrow to my bakery, and I will try what she can do."
And when the girl was brought to him he took her into the largest kitchen in the bakery, for it had the strongest, largest chairs to sit in. This room was quite full of lettuce. The baker sat the enormous girl into the strongest chair and said, "Now set to work, and if by tomorrow morning early you have not turned this lettuce into decadent, fattening, delicious chocolate cakes during the night, you must die." Then he locked up the room, and left her in it alone. So there sat the poor miller's daughter, and for the life of her could not tell what to do; she had no idea how mere lettuce could be magically transformed into decadent, fattening, delicious chocolate cake. She grew more and more miserable, until at last she began to weep.
But all at once the door opened, and in jogged a little man, all dressed up in Spandex workout gear, and said, "Good evening, Mistress Miller; why are you crying so? Get up and do jumping jacks to increase that heart rate!" "Ugh!" answered the girl, "I hate exercising. Sit down, you’re making me tired. Can you help me? I have to turn all this lettuce into decadent, fattening, delicious chocolate cake, and I do not know how to do it." "What will you give me," said the small man, "if I do it for you?" "My last pouch of M&M’s," said the girl. The little man took the candy-coated chocolates, seated himself in front of the giant pile of lettuce, and "munch, munch munch," three bites of lettuce, and magically, three decadent, fattening, delicious chocolate cakes appeared; then he moved to another pile, and munch, munch, munch, three bites of lettuce, and three more decadent, fattening, delicious chocolate cakes appeared. And so it went on until the morning, when all the lettuce was eaten, and the room was swirling with the fragrance of decadent, fattening, delicious chocolate cake. By daybreak the baker was already there, ready to open shop, and when he saw the cakes he was astonished and delighted, but his heart became only greedier. After all, he loved chocolate cake more than anyone in the land. He had the miller's giant daughter taken into another kitchen full of carrots, which was much larger, and commanded her to transform that also in one night if she valued her life. The girl did not know how to help herself, and was crying, when the door again opened, and the little man in Spandex appeared, and said, "What will you give me if I turn those carrots into decadent, fattening, delicious chocolate cakes for you?" "My secret stash of tater tots," answered the girl. The little man took the Ziploc bag of potato treats, began to munch the carrots, and by morning had turned all the vegetables into decadent cakes.
The baker rejoiced beyond measure at the sight, but still he had not enough cakes to sell; and he had the miller's daughter taken into a still larger kitchen full of radishes, and said, "You must make these, too, into chocolate cakes in the course of this night; but if you succeed, you shall be my partner in the bakery. The town will love your decadent, fattening, delicious chocolate cakes and we will be rich." "Even if she be a miller's daughter," thought he, "I could not find a tastier cake in the whole world."
When the girl was alone the small man in Spandex rollerbladed in. He said, "What will you give me if I turn these radishes into decadent, fattening, delicious chocolate cakes for you also?" "I have nothing left that I could give," answered the girl, checking her enormous pant pockets. "Then promise me, if you should become co-partner in the bakery, that you will work out with me every day to become fit and healthy." "Who knows whether that will ever happen?" thought the miller's daughter; and, not knowing how else to help herself in this dilemma, she promised the tiny man what he wanted. For that, he once more transformed the vegetables into delicious cakes.
And when the baker came in the morning, and found all as he had wished, he made her partner, and the pretty, yet obese, miller's daughter became the head cake maker of the town.
A year later, she had many profits from the bakery and customers that loved her cakes. She never gave a thought to the small, slightly annoying, aerobics instructor man in Spandex. But suddenly he came into her room, and said, "Now do what you promised." The young woman was horror-struck, and offered the little man all the cakes he could possibly want if he would leave her to sit on the couch, watch television, and eat sweets all day long. But the small man said, "No, a healthy lifestyle and physical fitness is dearer to me than all the decadent, fattening, delicious chocolate cakes in the world." Then the young baker woman began to weep and cry, so that the man pitied her. "I will give you three days' time," said he, "if by that time you find out my secret to staying thin, then you will be able to stay lazy forever."
So the large gal thought the whole night of all the diets she had ever heard of, and she sent a messenger over the country to inquire, far and wide, for any other obscure diets that there might be. When the small man in Spandex came the next day, she began with Atkins, South Beach, Fat Flush, and said all the diets she knew and had tried, one after another; but to every one the little man said, "That is not my secret." On the second day she had inquiries made in the neighborhood as to the diets of the people there, and she repeated to the little man the most uncommon and curious. "Perhaps your secret is the Subway Diet, or the Grapefruit Diet, or Jenny Craig?" but he always answered, "That is not my secret."
On the third day the messenger came back again, and said, "I have not been able to find a single new fad diet in the whole country, but as I came to a high end exercise shop in Hollywood, where Gwyneth Paltrow and Julia Roberts go to get fit, there I saw a light on, and inside the shop a small man was doing yoga, posing oddly on a mat, and as he changed poses, he chanted:
"Today I skip, tomorrow spin,
The next I'll have the baker so thin.
Ha! Little will she know, when she has small thighs
My secret is to exercise."
You may think how glad the gigantic baker woman was when she heard the secret! And when soon afterwards the little man came in, and asked, "Now, Miss Smarty Pants Baker Lady, what is my secret?" at first she said, "Slim Fast?" " No." "The Zone Diet?" "No."
"Perhaps your secret is exercise?"
"Who told you that? Who told you that!?" cried the little man, and in his depression he got such a craving for chocolates that he ate all day and night. Ironically, in the end, he was the fattest man in all the land.