Saturday, December 18, 2010
today has been a real hard day for me. I have been in tears, so nervous that all this schooling I am doing is for nothing. I went back to school in June, I had to I wasn't finding a job. So I opted to go back to school. It sounded like a great idea at the time.
I am going for pharmacy technician. it is very hard. I am far from intellegent. I was lucky to get a C for anything in high school.Now here I am 39 some years later back in school. I am getting great grades, I am getting nothing below a B. I even last tedrm got an award for getting and maintaining a 4.0 GPA. I was so happy, but I could not call the most important person in my life whom I really needed to impress...My mother.
this is the first Christmas without her, and I guess I am not doing to well. aside form missing her and wanting to talk to her, I have realized that I have chased everyone who used to be close to me away. I no longer have anyone I can talk to. everyone I see during the day is just an acquaintance. I have been so hurt by so many people in the past that I am scared to let anyone get close to me. I don't even know how to make or be a fried..so I wouldnt know where to begin or whatever.
and sitting here writing this is so not like me, but I just felt I needed to get it out. I just feel so alone and though I pray I feel like God has turned his back on me and I don't know what else to do. I can not find a job I survive on the little bit of left over school money, I want a life, friends but I don't know how. I know it sounds so grade schoolish, but that is how I feel. I know that my life is the way it is by my own hands. I just dont know how to change any of it. I am so afraid that I will spend this two years in school, graduate and then be left working as a dishwasher or something again. and be 40 to 50 thousand dollars in debt. It bothers me so much thta it makesw it hard some days to focus on the homework. and let me tell you...anatomy is no easy A class. youi either get it or you dont and I dont. Though I am geting a B in the class, I have no idea how, but my test scores are pretty bad. I guess if I would get back on my meds maybe things would be ok. but I don't want to do that. I really am doing ok on the St John Wort stuff. it is just the once a month time when it really gets hard for me, and with the coming of menopause it just seems to feel like I am climbing a mountain I can never get to the top of. well I should go now, I think I have said enough, not really sure if letting it out helped or not.still the tears fall, so maybe not.I would just like to find peace, happiness and maybe love. dont know how to do any of those things so well they say in Heaven you feel no pain, not that I want to catch the express train there to find out, but just knowing that one day I will be happy is supposed to make us feel better. i think things will be better in the morning, at least I hope so. I do not like it when I feel this much anger and hate about anything