The first Christmas is the hardest

Maybe it's the whole first year, Trying not to cry. You cause me so much pain in life, yet I loved you unconditionally.isn't that what God tells us to do isn't that one of the ten commandments? Yet I honored you through life, feared you sometimes more than I feared God, spent my days trying to find something for you to say four simple words..." I'm proud of you". I never got to hear those words.
Now ten months after your gone I have one thing I could have heard you say those four words to and I cry thinking that you may know it where you are but I do not feel your words. Through school I was a poor student, not ever being able to comprehend things and flunking out to the point of just dropping out in high school. Then I got my diploma anyway, the day I told you and showed you the diploma, you just shrugged your shoulders at me and told me you and dad were getting a divorce. It was switched to you..
Well I am proud of me even though you will never be nor will you ever say those words to me. I want to get on with my life, want to stop living like this, Shadowing myself from the world. Watching as everyone else seems to live a normal life. I live with guilt, shame, remorse for what I have turned out to be.. funny, it's just what you said ... I would be nothing, I want to change, but am I too late? I still have trouble comprehending things, and studying is so hard for me.
This is actually helping me a little. I need to let it out and grieve. Why do I grieve for you, would you have grieved if I had gone and not you? I think not, I think you would have said I got what I deserved.. but is this what I deserve? loneliness and shame?
I am not the type of person to go to grief counseling, but I am the type to be there for someone if they need me. so posting this maybe it will help someone who also feels the same. but I can think of no one who lived to try to impress someone only to be put down every time, dust off and try again.
You lead me to believe in life that you accepted me for who I am, they way I lived. but you turned on me, turned my sisters against me and turned your back on two of your children. You have to face our maker for that. I would never turn my back on my children no matter how they turned out. for that responsibility lies in my hands. How I raised them, what I can teach them about life.

I want to get back into life and enjoy it again like I used to when I was happy just being me. not trying to impress anyone, They are having a bowling night for my college, it is not until February, but I have decided to go. I mean I am not going to meet people sitting here facing a computer screen am I. I am very afraid however, because I do not know how to socialize. I don't have a clue, but I will try.
God will be there to help me even if you couldn't or wouldn't show me how.
To be honest, I spent yesterday trying not to feel sorry for myself. being alone on a holiday, was after all, my own choice. I needed to be alone this year, I didn't feel I was ready to rejoice in anything, That will change over the next twelve months. I intend on doing that.
Though there is probably more inside that needs to come out, it has not been formed into words. When it has I will post again, in the meantime, I hope that my words have helped someone who may read this, maybe you know someone who you think may feel the same and needs something that I have written, maybe not. but thank you for reading and being patient with my lengthiness, honesty, fears, and tears.