Where to begin...
Saturday, January 08, 2011
I have actively avoided even visiting this site because I am so ashamed of my failure. I had such high hopes, and was so sure that I would be successful after my surgery and that hasn't been the case. This is really the first time that I've admitted just how far off track I am. I've almost entirely returned to my old, crappy habits and I've started to gain back the weight I worked so hard to lose. I have gotten to the point where I just can't stand to even discuss my weight and I'm hoping that by writing this I can begin to do what I need to do to get healthy and be happy.
I have gone from working out nearly everyday to being damn near immobile. I began having some serious health problems last year and ended up having my gall bladder removed in June, only to find out that my gall bladder wasn't the issue. I had a really hard time getting over that surgery and it really hurt my drive to work out. After my wedding in September, I started having severe sinus problems and ended up having sinus surgery on December 27. I'm currently recovering from that adventure and have to go to a Rhumatologist in early February because we believe I have Fibromyalgia. Oy!
The combination of health issues and some highly stressful events have led to really serious emotional eating and lack of interest in damn near everything.
Now with that out of the way, I can focus on what I can do to help myself. I can't control my health problems, but I CAN control what I put into my body. The return of my terrible eating habits definitely isn't making me feel better, and putting off change until tomorrow isn't going to work anymore. Even writing this, I just want to close this window and put it all out of my mind, but I'm not going to allow myself to do that this time.
I got my degree this summer and I need to work on building my confidence enough to get back into the world. I will need to work to pay my student loans, but the idea of working scares me to death. I've been on disability for so long that I don't know how to deal with the stresses of everyday life. I know that it would be logical for me to work with a therapist, but that's not financially possible right now, so I need to find another solution.
I'm hoping that if I can get back into sparking, I can begin to get things under control. I have met some amazing people here and have been amazed by the support available. Now I just need to open myself up to that support.