Where to begin...

Saturday, January 08, 2011

I have actively avoided even visiting this site because I am so ashamed of my failure. I had such high hopes, and was so sure that I would be successful after my surgery and that hasn't been the case. This is really the first time that I've admitted just how far off track I am. I've almost entirely returned to my old, crappy habits and I've started to gain back the weight I worked so hard to lose. I have gotten to the point where I just can't stand to even discuss my weight and I'm hoping that by writing this I can begin to do what I need to do to get healthy and be happy.

I have gone from working out nearly everyday to being damn near immobile. I began having some serious health problems last year and ended up having my gall bladder removed in June, only to find out that my gall bladder wasn't the issue. I had a really hard time getting over that surgery and it really hurt my drive to work out. After my wedding in September, I started having severe sinus problems and ended up having sinus surgery on December 27. I'm currently recovering from that adventure and have to go to a Rhumatologist in early February because we believe I have Fibromyalgia. Oy!

The combination of health issues and some highly stressful events have led to really serious emotional eating and lack of interest in damn near everything.

Now with that out of the way, I can focus on what I can do to help myself. I can't control my health problems, but I CAN control what I put into my body. The return of my terrible eating habits definitely isn't making me feel better, and putting off change until tomorrow isn't going to work anymore. Even writing this, I just want to close this window and put it all out of my mind, but I'm not going to allow myself to do that this time.

I got my degree this summer and I need to work on building my confidence enough to get back into the world. I will need to work to pay my student loans, but the idea of working scares me to death. I've been on disability for so long that I don't know how to deal with the stresses of everyday life. I know that it would be logical for me to work with a therapist, but that's not financially possible right now, so I need to find another solution.

I'm hoping that if I can get back into sparking, I can begin to get things under control. I have met some amazing people here and have been amazed by the support available. Now I just need to open myself up to that support.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you guys so, so, so much for your comments and support. You have no idea how much it means to me. I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to comment. Life has been a bit crazy. :\
    3485 days ago
    Hi my friend!!
    Glad to hear from you and so sorry to learn that you are struggling!!

    emoticon on your decision to reach out on Spark... and yes, we are here for you.

    What you are feeling, it's totally normal!!! stop beating yourself up!! You are not alone- being ashamed of going back to old habit and scared of changes is, again, totally normal... you are normal my friend!!!

    It's not the number of time we failed that it is important but THE NUMBER OF TIME WE STAND UP AGAIN!!! AND you can do it !!!

    You were here for me at the beginning, your support and understanding helped my so much, I only wish I can be here for you!!!!

    I agree with AuntB 63 when she said ... So take it a day at a time, one small step forward is better than standing still and wasting precious time that can be used to move ahead... So focus on something small that you can change today, that you can improve and tonight, you will feel that you did feel a little better!!!

    I also believe in you, you can do this!!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3544 days ago
    I know it's been a really rough year for you... for both of us really. You can't change what's been done, but you can change what you do... I know how tempting it can be to just try and push everything under the rug, but that is why we needed gastric bypass in the first place right? You made the first step in reaching out for help and it's here! You know if you need, anything.... and I mean ANYTHING... that I'm here for you! If there is anything that I can do for you, you let me know! We can be healthy lifestyle buddies if you want! Let me know, I think we could really help each other! :)

    I know what you mean about being scared about going back to work. That's something I'll need to do too and that I'm a little afraid of myself. This is the longest I have ever been off of work, so I understand what you're talking about.

    You will get through this and remember that I'm here for you! *BIG HUGS!*
    3545 days ago
    Well done, one small step at a time, otherwise you'll end up out of breath!! emoticon
    3546 days ago
  • AUNTB63
    What a year you have had.........not all pleasant either. However, your step to reach out and start anew is a good sign. You can put last year to rest. It's done, gone, finished and not coming back. What happen than cannot be changed and tomorrow is a big question mark.....who knows what will happen. So take it a day at a time, one small step forward is better than standing still and wasting precious time that can be used to move ahead.
    "You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there"
    Please have a good day and remember we are here for you!
    3546 days ago
    Take a deep breath.......There is alot on your plate, for sure, and it is really hard to handle it all! You have come very far, and it is what it is, what it is.......Try not to beat yourself up so much about when you fell down, it happens to all of us! Sometimes life can kick you in the a**, and admitting that you need to get back on track is a huge step! You can do this! I believe in you! Normandy emoticon
    3546 days ago
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