what does surrender look like?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
so, as previously discussed, i started to take the pill again after months of uncontrolled emotions and eating...but now, things don't seem to be much better. in fact they seem worse. i feel like i have the cravings of a pregnant woman - though i've never been so i don't know, but i can only imagine that this is what its like. my cravings are OUT OF CONTROL. and so are my girl parts, i've had my period for over a month straight now, and i suppose its technically called "spotting", but i know spotting...and this isn't it. so this begs the question: what the heck is wrong with me??
i've been hovering at 230 lbs - that's a TEN POUND GAIN - since christmas, i've been running 4-5 days a week for the last 3 weeks with NOT ONE SINGLE POUND LOST! not one! i've even increased my workouts to 45 mins so i'm getting about 3 miles in...so what's the deal?
i got fed up yesterday and got out the measuring tape...dreading what it was going to tell me. i thought things were EXACTLY the same - but then i checked. i stand corrected:
22" thighs (increased 1")
43" hips (increased 1")
46 belly bulge (2" increase)
41" at my belly button (1" increase)
*sigh* not the end of the world, right? my butt and thighs are rock solid and never really were the issue. the still fit in the size 12 jeans i got myself for christmas - so i've go that going for me. and i bought a balance board and weights and resistance bands and a kettle bell, but i have to go back for one with more weight i guess...5lbs isn't enough from what i've read.
so this begs the questions: what else has changed with me? and i thought about it quite hard. and the answer is: A TON!
1.) my job. i've gone from an active job - standing/walking/moving furniture and displays 40 hours a week to sitting 40 hours a week. that's got to be HUGE in the realm of the way my body works.
2.) hormones. sure i've got PCOS, but who knows what my hormone levels are at since dropping 30lbs and then regaining 10lbs. maybe getting back on the pill WASN'T the right answer...maybe having a regular period was a sign that things were looking better for my girl parts and now this version of the pill is ALL sorts of wrong??
3.) cravings. cravings before the pill but mostly during my period. now i have cravings all. the. time. cravings for crap food that i don't really want to eat. pizza. candy. a 5lb bag of sugar. (but not really). salty. sweet. it doesn't matter. i want it. and i want it in my face RIGHT NOW. and there's this girl in my office who does nothing but BAKE during her insomnia...so layer cake, coffee cake, cookies, peanut bars...she's the DEVIL! maybe i need to surrender to an underlying food addiction and seek help?
4.) environmental change. with my retail job, i had colleagues who came to me for all the answers. and that was frustrating, but it was still great, because i'm good at helping. in my new job, i'm the new kid. they still have us all stuffed in a corner by ourselves not near anyone seasoned and i'm on the phone 40 hours a week so its really difficult to build bonds and i'm the low man - ahem, lady - on the totem pole, so that makes it difficult for colleagues to interact with me, and the "help desk" is less than helpful, and frankly i've been berated a few times for asking questions, so i'm self-conscious about my answers to members, and i'm self-conscious about asking questions about things i don't know the answer to, i.e for help. this is insurance people, i HAVE to give the right answer.
5.) my friends. i have one friend, my best guy friend, who moved back home (not far, like 30 miles) to get a job and save some money but he turns his cell off all week and checks messages once a week. he's been making and breaking plans with me since before christmas. he even missed my birthday. he ditched me AGAIN this weekend. and i get it, he wants to be alone or is working. but at what point do you have to make someone realize they're only pushing you away?? i thought i'd done that when we finally talked this week? this is THE friend who dug in and stuck it out with me when i was living up north and was ready to end my life. he helped me cling to what was left, made me realize i was worth the fight, and told me it was okay to move home. he's been my rock. now i have no rock. and then there's my bestie who lives in los angeles and i can never see because this is boston and it costs a million dollars to go there and i don't have any time off yet because i'm the new kid...and my other new friend and his partner/fiance are super busy and we made plans for today two weeks ago and after asking 1,000 times if we were still on today i FINALLY got a message that we weren't. ditched TWICE -- in the same weekend. fml.
that whole friend thing just makes me sad.
so i ordered pizza.
and it burnt my mouth.
so i guess that's payback...
and it also means the 4 miles i ran at the gym yesterday meant nothing because i ate my feelings.
sparkies, i feel awful. and for me to come forward with the resolve to SAY i feel awful is kind of huge. and i don't know what else to do other than go to the gym and run it out or eat my feelings. and that's kind of a bad place, i think. do i go back off the pill and see what happens? do i need a detox? do i need psychiatric help? i just don't know anymore...i hate winter. maybe this is just winter.
things i need to do to FIGHT LIKE HELL:
1. drink 8 glasses of h2o daily.
2. really cut down on the sugar.
3. pack my own lunch for work.
4. go to the gym in the am before work and run it out. my coworkers can tell when i don't.
5. attempt a week of boot camp...and then another...and another...and another.
6. stop eating my feelings.
7. figure out what the crack is going on with my hormones.
8. try to resolve how to see my friends without seeming like an overbearing psycho.
9. find SOMETHING to reward myself with so that i'll have incentive to lose this craptastic weight.
10. practice breathing. because i can tell i'm not. and apparently, breathing is important.