Monday, February 14, 2011

This blog has less to do with diet and exercise than with emotions. I am not necessarily anti-Valentine’s Day but unfortunately being alone on this day makes a person question things about themselves. I will just put what is going through my mind out there…I am insecure. I used to think that once I lost weight my world would magically get better but the truth is it isn’t and I don’t think it will in the near future.

This past weekend I have been forced to acknowledge how insecure I truly am. Not only with my body, but with most aspects of my life. Even as I type this I question it and fight the urge to just hit delete and let people think I have it more together than I really do. While Valentine’s Day makes me see how insecure I am in the love aspect of my life it isn’t the only area of concern. I wish I knew how to change it but I have no idea and that scares me even more.

I constantly wonder if I will ever be enough. Enough in my career, enough in my body, enough in everything. Yes, part of this feeling of inadequacy has a lot to do with the fact that I am alone today but today isn’t the only day I question this. Every day I try to put myself out there despite wanting to just hide away from the world. I force myself to get out of my comfort zone at work. It’s hard because I am naturally shy and I have to compensate for that at work. Every time I try to explain that how I am at work isn’t how I am outside of the office I get told I’m lying. How can you do what you do as a job if you are shy? I hear that so much I start to question everything.

Being shy doesn’t help with feelings of insecurity. Despite hating bars I went out Friday night to help a friend celebrate her birthday. It was like nothing I did was right. I tried to keep somewhat involved in the conversation but having the same person (sitting next to you) ask you four times (despite having met them several other times) what your name is makes you question yourself. Then if I just listened I was questioned about why I wasn’t talking and asked if I knew how to talk. Basically every insecurity I have was brought to light. Unfortunately me being a thinker, this led to a weekend of analyzing everything.

I know I want it all. I want a great career, I want to be healthy, but I also want to be in a relationship. My insecurities make it more difficult because I have come to believe that I will never be enough. I will never be pretty enough. I will never be social enough. I will never be enough and I’m terrified to be alone for the rest of my life. I know I have to find a way to deal with my insecurities but it’s like I take one step forward and I get knocked 10 steps back. People know I am insecure and sadly they take advantage of that. My friends think they can use me because they know I’m afraid of not having friends. My ex uses me because he knows I feel I will never be good enough (even though he is the reason for that feeling). The sad thing is that I let these people do this. I know it’s wrong but the feeling of belonging even for a brief time is all I have ever wanted.

Today being Valentine’s Day I will spend the day admiring the flowers all the significant others of my co-workers send and wishing it was me. I don’t care about the material things, but I just want someone to want to do something like that for me and every year it doesn’t happen I wonder if I ever will find that special person. Will I ever be able to break free of the feeling of insecurity or am I doomed to live my life alone and wondering what it is like to be confident.

This is completely rambling and I apologize to anyone who has attempted to read this, because even as I write it I fight the urge to delete it. I know I need to acknowledge this insecurity if I want to overcome it but I also fear being judged. I am not going to let this insecurity keep me from my journey and maybe putting it out there will help some. Who knows but there it is.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are sooooo NOT alone in feeling this way, and because you put yourself out there by writing this- so many others will realize they're not alone for feeling this way as well. Thank you!
    3688 days ago
    I'm so glad that you didn't delete this blog! You and I are both "thinkers". Yes, that does get us into trouble at times, but it also will help us achieve what we want to achieve.

    The bar scene you described made me cringe. That is not a good place to communicate with anyone and you were absolutely right feeling the way you were feeling. Put a couple of drinks into people and they can really be obnoxious, can't they!?!? It sounds like you were being yourself ... what on earth can be wrong about that?

    Keep taking those little steps forward. Even if you get knocked back ... you've still taken that one forward! Keep reaching out, keep trying! You are such a special person - it just shows through your photos and through your words. Phooey to Valentine's Day - it's just a day. Spring is coming, keep making steps forward, get out there and meet people. Have you thought about joining a class or two of something that interests you, something that will be active ... so you don't have to "entertain" someone sitting beside you like you did in the bar? Hiking, biking, rock climbing (I just laughed at myself there - rock climbing would NEVER happen in my lifetime) ... it might be fun and you'll meet people but you'd also be busy doing something at the same time so you wouldn't have to worry and think, think, think.

    I wish you so much happiness!!!!! emoticon emoticon
    3705 days ago
    I am in the PIXIEDUST camp - I too have seen your communication skills online and believe you translate very well :) I was initially attracted to your blog because of your honesty and bravery - to be able to say exactly what your fears are, name the problems in your mind and not be afraid of how to sugarcoat it for the masses is incredibly brave Becky....I do believe you need someone you completely trust to share what you are feeling, work out those feelings so you can find a way to focus on yourself...completely. Being a former pathologically shy person with little self confidence (and trust issues), I can tell you how cliche it sounds it hear "focus on yourself" but it is still absolutely true and imperative - with your writings, we get a glimpse of the spirit inside of you and the person you are - and you are a great person. have a better tomorrow and an even better day after that. emoticon emoticon
    3711 days ago
  • SWELL10
    I so feel and understand where you are coming from. I feel and have said many of the same things. Hang in there. (both of us)
    3712 days ago
    Sometimes it is possible to feel really lonely in a crowd. You seem to be good at communicating on line- so may be that's where you need to start looking for someone special.
    And don't be scared to ask for help-no one will know you need it otherwise!
    If someone has to ask your name four times- they are either dumb or drunk. That does not reflect on you.
    If friends are using you as you say-then these are not people who care about you-there are friends out there who will genuinely care about you.
    Don't keep people around who drag you down.
    Talk to someone professional if you think this is taking over your life. You seem a perfectly nice person-and you know you deserve more !
    3712 days ago
    I don't mean for this to sound patronizing at all, but I'm so proud of you for publishing this blog. It took guts to do that, and it was so good that you did. You're right, there's no way to grow without being honest and I so appreciate your honesty.

    Having said that, I also want to say that I don't mean for this to sound preachy because that's not my style, but my heart just longs to say turn your eyes toward the Lord and away from yourself and you'll find all the security you'll need. We were designed to worship our Creator and when He takes His rightful place in our lives everything else falls into place. When His love overwhelms us and covers us and heals us and embraces us, we gain a security SO deep that nothing or no one can shake it. I do have others in my life who are important and who give me joy, but honestly none of them are nearly so close to my heart as Jesus--not even my wife of 19 years. And the same is true of her. She's closer to the Lord than she is to me and that's the secret of our love and joy with one another.

    Again, please know that I'm not trying to be preachy, I just care about you and I know the path to finding deep security. Jesus said it best. When asked what the greatest commandment in all of life is, Jesus said, "The Lord your God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength" (Mark 12:28-34). When we seek our Creator above all other things, and submit our lives to him, everything else has a way of falling in place.

    Thanks again for sharing your heart and please think about what I've said. And know that I prayed for you this morning and trust that the Lord has heard the cry of your heart in a much deeper way than any of us ever could!
    3712 days ago
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