Monday, February 14, 2011
This blog has less to do with diet and exercise than with emotions. I am not necessarily anti-Valentine’s Day but unfortunately being alone on this day makes a person question things about themselves. I will just put what is going through my mind out there…I am insecure. I used to think that once I lost weight my world would magically get better but the truth is it isn’t and I don’t think it will in the near future.
This past weekend I have been forced to acknowledge how insecure I truly am. Not only with my body, but with most aspects of my life. Even as I type this I question it and fight the urge to just hit delete and let people think I have it more together than I really do. While Valentine’s Day makes me see how insecure I am in the love aspect of my life it isn’t the only area of concern. I wish I knew how to change it but I have no idea and that scares me even more.
I constantly wonder if I will ever be enough. Enough in my career, enough in my body, enough in everything. Yes, part of this feeling of inadequacy has a lot to do with the fact that I am alone today but today isn’t the only day I question this. Every day I try to put myself out there despite wanting to just hide away from the world. I force myself to get out of my comfort zone at work. It’s hard because I am naturally shy and I have to compensate for that at work. Every time I try to explain that how I am at work isn’t how I am outside of the office I get told I’m lying. How can you do what you do as a job if you are shy? I hear that so much I start to question everything.
Being shy doesn’t help with feelings of insecurity. Despite hating bars I went out Friday night to help a friend celebrate her birthday. It was like nothing I did was right. I tried to keep somewhat involved in the conversation but having the same person (sitting next to you) ask you four times (despite having met them several other times) what your name is makes you question yourself. Then if I just listened I was questioned about why I wasn’t talking and asked if I knew how to talk. Basically every insecurity I have was brought to light. Unfortunately me being a thinker, this led to a weekend of analyzing everything.
I know I want it all. I want a great career, I want to be healthy, but I also want to be in a relationship. My insecurities make it more difficult because I have come to believe that I will never be enough. I will never be pretty enough. I will never be social enough. I will never be enough and I’m terrified to be alone for the rest of my life. I know I have to find a way to deal with my insecurities but it’s like I take one step forward and I get knocked 10 steps back. People know I am insecure and sadly they take advantage of that. My friends think they can use me because they know I’m afraid of not having friends. My ex uses me because he knows I feel I will never be good enough (even though he is the reason for that feeling). The sad thing is that I let these people do this. I know it’s wrong but the feeling of belonging even for a brief time is all I have ever wanted.
Today being Valentine’s Day I will spend the day admiring the flowers all the significant others of my co-workers send and wishing it was me. I don’t care about the material things, but I just want someone to want to do something like that for me and every year it doesn’t happen I wonder if I ever will find that special person. Will I ever be able to break free of the feeling of insecurity or am I doomed to live my life alone and wondering what it is like to be confident.
This is completely rambling and I apologize to anyone who has attempted to read this, because even as I write it I fight the urge to delete it. I know I need to acknowledge this insecurity if I want to overcome it but I also fear being judged. I am not going to let this insecurity keep me from my journey and maybe putting it out there will help some. Who knows but there it is.