Tuesday, February 15, 2011
It's been an interesting couple of days and tonight I've had a good case of melancholy sadness. It's not strictly because of Valentine's Day but moreso last night.
I spent the day with the exbf. We dated for 3.5 yrs and we'll have been broken up 5 years next month. Even so, we're good friends and he's one of the few people I fully trust and am open and honest with. We hung out, watched a movie, some mild cuddling (first in 5 yrs) and then went to hang out with his BFF. He's been in therapy for a long time and some aspects of his life he's gotten together but it really saddened me to see him hang out with his BFF. They enable each other with bad habits and self-destructive behavior. I won't really go into more detail than that but it really bothered me to see the same bad patterns that were in our relationship, with another person. It's definitely food issues (he had gastric but his BFF is extremely heavy too) but a lot more than that as well.
I guess what troubles me is that I thought I was seeing a lot of changes in him at work (since we work in close proximity) but last night, he was back to being an immature kid. It just makes me sad for a lot of reasons I can't really figure out.
And last night, good gracious, it was my personal dietary hell. They went on a sweets run and came back with tasty parfaits.. then another guy next to me was eating potato chips and dip.. and the exbf's BFF sits next to me with a plate of fried cheese sticks and pizza. ALL OF MY FAVORITE FOODS. I just started laughing at one point because it seemed so personalized to tempt me.
But I was ok. The cheese sticks brought out a little whimper but it wasn't too bad. I'm a food addict - I can't just eat a little. I can't eat ANY. I make peace with my weakness.
However, something is weighing down heavy on my mind. My parents insisted I come over for V-day and my need to binge was approaching rabid. I was pacing through the kitchen & living room at one point, restless and craving. My fibromyalgia is flared up hardcore too which makes sitting uncomfortable. Hell, breathing is uncomfortable.
I'm really not sure the root of my sad and restless behavior tonight. I am sorry for my exbf. I'm sorry that he hasn't changed like I thought he had and I'm sorry to see the co-dependent relationship he's gotten himself into with his BFF. It just makes me sad. I don't want to get back with him.. I'd be happy with jumping his bones for a one night stand.. but I'm disappointed. I think that's the word I'm looking for - disappointed.
I need to make peace with the fact that some people are perpetually self-destructive. I need to make peace with the fact that people are responsible for their own choices. I need to make peace with the fact that initiating a sexual relationship again is a bad, bad decision and it would be far more complication than pleasure. Yeah. I need to convince myself of that still.
But anyway, I worked through the cravings tonight. I resisted and didn't give in but the urge was really, really strong. Tomorrow will be a happier day.