Being back and getting fat (again)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I wanted to blog about how things are going, having been back sparking for a couple of weeks, but I realised that I haven't done a blog update since I disappeared last summer!! So first things first - an update!!
So I haven't been sparking. Why? Two reasons. One - I wasn't counting or tracking calories or exercise, so I didn't come on here to use those tools. Two - I wasn't losing weight, I was gaining and so I didn't much feel like coming on here and updating a gain each week/month!
For the past few months, actually for the most part of last year, I really struggled. I couldn't find a balance of eating right and losing weight, I was too strict, or not strict at all and binged. My exercise routine remained much the same, as I love working out. Yet, my food habits got worse each month. So I'd read emails from spark saying that I had won goodies, received positive comments and been featured as a spark motivator. I read these things as I sat here thinking to myself "well I don't look like that any more!" I didn't feel like I was being the big success that I had once been. I felt deflated and hopeless about things- just as I had once felt when I started out at 260lbs.
Thing is, it's just all a state of mind. I KNOW this. When I last weighed in the 180/190 range I was losing weight and I felt happy and confident at that weight. Having got down to 152lbs and seeing the scales creep back up 40lbs over the past year, I don't feel so happy and confident at this weight any more.
My body has gained fat that I can see and don't like it. The biggest problem though is in my mind and in how I see myself. I have felt a failure for being one of 'those' people that loses weight and gains it back. I was NEVER going to be one of them. I knew that if I lost the weight and put in all that hard work, that I would never let myself gain it back - and then I did. Okay I lost 108lbs and only gained back 40lbs. In my mind I felt as bad as if I'd gained back the whole 108!
What went wrong? Being too strict. Wanting quick fixes. Being too hard on myself. All the pitfalls that I used to know.
How to correct things? Feeling good about myself. Feeling positive. Focusing on healthy habits, not numbers. Again, all things that I know.
The biggest thing I miss from being slimmer? Not looking better. Not wearing my skinny clothes. Not being confident. Not seeing old friends and being comfortable in how I look. These all matter, but the biggest thing I miss is the ease in which I was living my life. I walked easier, I ran up the stairs easier and I worked out at the gym with 110% effort. Now just 40lbs back up I can notice how tough the stairs are again and I can't even cope on the elliptical machine any more! Yoga is harder, as getting into the positions with 40lbs more fat in your way makes a difference!! I want that lighter, more functional body back!
Being slimmer didn't make my life change. I still had the same problems and frustrations - it wasn't like the lottery win that I thought it might be! I was still me, but I was a slimmer, more confident and more happy me and that's the one I want again.
Things are going okay right now. I'm still working out and I'm tracking my spark ranges. I had a couple of weeks being stricter to kick start things for me, but now I've highered my spark ranges to take things more steady. I'll be updating again soon on how things continue to go!
I just wanted to add a big thank you to all my spark friends who have messaged me while I have been missing and since I have been back. Thanks for your support and your continued inspiration to me :-)
I know a lot of old spark friends seem to have been struggling with gains too. I think maybe we all lost sight of why we are doing this - to feel better about ourselves. We hit a rough patch and got caught up with the numbers, feeling like failures again. Rather than appreciating how far we have come since the start of our journeys. If somebody told me at 260lbs that I could be under 200, I would have been more than happy with that!
Time to get some perspective back for me and more importantly time for breakfast!! Enjoy your weekend everyone - no matter where you are with your weight loss/gain journey, make today a happy one :-)