Being back and getting fat (again)

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Hellllloooooo Sparkers!!!

I wanted to blog about how things are going, having been back sparking for a couple of weeks, but I realised that I haven't done a blog update since I disappeared last summer!! So first things first - an update!!

So I haven't been sparking. Why? Two reasons. One - I wasn't counting or tracking calories or exercise, so I didn't come on here to use those tools. Two - I wasn't losing weight, I was gaining and so I didn't much feel like coming on here and updating a gain each week/month!

For the past few months, actually for the most part of last year, I really struggled. I couldn't find a balance of eating right and losing weight, I was too strict, or not strict at all and binged. My exercise routine remained much the same, as I love working out. Yet, my food habits got worse each month. So I'd read emails from spark saying that I had won goodies, received positive comments and been featured as a spark motivator. I read these things as I sat here thinking to myself "well I don't look like that any more!" I didn't feel like I was being the big success that I had once been. I felt deflated and hopeless about things- just as I had once felt when I started out at 260lbs.

Thing is, it's just all a state of mind. I KNOW this. When I last weighed in the 180/190 range I was losing weight and I felt happy and confident at that weight. Having got down to 152lbs and seeing the scales creep back up 40lbs over the past year, I don't feel so happy and confident at this weight any more.

My body has gained fat that I can see and don't like it. The biggest problem though is in my mind and in how I see myself. I have felt a failure for being one of 'those' people that loses weight and gains it back. I was NEVER going to be one of them. I knew that if I lost the weight and put in all that hard work, that I would never let myself gain it back - and then I did. Okay I lost 108lbs and only gained back 40lbs. In my mind I felt as bad as if I'd gained back the whole 108!

What went wrong? Being too strict. Wanting quick fixes. Being too hard on myself. All the pitfalls that I used to know.

How to correct things? Feeling good about myself. Feeling positive. Focusing on healthy habits, not numbers. Again, all things that I know.

The biggest thing I miss from being slimmer? Not looking better. Not wearing my skinny clothes. Not being confident. Not seeing old friends and being comfortable in how I look. These all matter, but the biggest thing I miss is the ease in which I was living my life. I walked easier, I ran up the stairs easier and I worked out at the gym with 110% effort. Now just 40lbs back up I can notice how tough the stairs are again and I can't even cope on the elliptical machine any more! Yoga is harder, as getting into the positions with 40lbs more fat in your way makes a difference!! I want that lighter, more functional body back!

Being slimmer didn't make my life change. I still had the same problems and frustrations - it wasn't like the lottery win that I thought it might be! I was still me, but I was a slimmer, more confident and more happy me and that's the one I want again.

Things are going okay right now. I'm still working out and I'm tracking my spark ranges. I had a couple of weeks being stricter to kick start things for me, but now I've highered my spark ranges to take things more steady. I'll be updating again soon on how things continue to go!

I just wanted to add a big thank you to all my spark friends who have messaged me while I have been missing and since I have been back. Thanks for your support and your continued inspiration to me :-)

I know a lot of old spark friends seem to have been struggling with gains too. I think maybe we all lost sight of why we are doing this - to feel better about ourselves. We hit a rough patch and got caught up with the numbers, feeling like failures again. Rather than appreciating how far we have come since the start of our journeys. If somebody told me at 260lbs that I could be under 200, I would have been more than happy with that!

Time to get some perspective back for me and more importantly time for breakfast!! Enjoy your weekend everyone - no matter where you are with your weight loss/gain journey, make today a happy one :-)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I completely understand. I'm one of those who lost sight of what was important and lost complete control of my decisions. The positive thing is that you're back and working hard at it again! Will be rootin' for ya! :)
    3671 days ago
    Hello! Just dropping by to say emoticon
    3703 days ago
    Thank you for writing this! It could have been my words. I also slipped halfway through 2010, and had a bunch of great excuses and explanations for this (blahh) but I am also getting back in the game again since January. And it IS working again, and I AM loosing weight again. But I also had made the decision never to let go of the progress, and I did. Well maybe it takes a couple of tries to get there, but also for me the slip back was not the full tour (I broke it at 90 kilos instead of 96 kilos this time).
    So maybe we are getting there Anyway - each and every word you wrote I could have written. So thanks - I saved that time :-)

    3769 days ago
  • BIGGIRL2082010
    Oh, BOY! Can I ever relate! :) Unlike you, I didn't start out by losing over a hundred pounds. But I certainly did drop the forty and gain them right back. :)

    Oh well. *Shrugs*

    Honestly, all we can do is keep going, right? So let's keep going! The good thing is we both love exercise. Which is half the battle right there. Now all we have to do is stick with the healthy eating without going too far in the other direction!

    Here's to a very successful 2011!


    3796 days ago
  • no profile photo JENIKINZ17
    your story sounds like mine, but I didn't just leave I deleted my whole profile!
    Its funny how our perception gets one time I was begging to be this weight!
    I have come to the realization that I will never be able to do this alone.
    Here's to new starts and reaching our goals!
    3806 days ago
    thank you for a very honest post. I know how you feel. We must know the same shoe maker!
    3806 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6181505
    im glad to see your back and finding the joy in the were missed while you were gone...i pray that you will find peace with in as you continue your journey and that the joy you find each day brings you one stpe closer to the goals you long to reach even if you have to change them from day to day...each little step leads to where you want to go even if you dont get there as quick or just the way you thought and planned for it to happen...

    my thoughts and prayers are with you each day
    3809 days ago
    My sweet friend, I know exactly how you feel... I too have slipped. I lost 62 pounds last year and gained back 58. I am back on SP and trying again. I have not by any stretch done perfectly but the point is I am here - and you are here - and we are trying again. I've missed you! I am so happy you are back! Thank you for blogging again - you remain an inspiration to me no matter what! XOXO

    3809 days ago
    so glad to see you again! you are one of my heros here on spark, this just lets me know you are human and we all can do this with each others help and support!

    Big hugs to you and WELCOME BACK!!!
    3809 days ago
  • LORT-C
    Yes as I know we must be honest with ourselves then continue the journey. It sounds like we are both not where we want to be anymore but we will return a step at a time.

    I happy to have you back Sparking again.
    3812 days ago
    So glad you are back! I've been on and off too. I could have written this blog, because it's exactly how I feel. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who messes up. But guess what we are human. We haven't gain all our weight back, and we can pick it up from here! Thanks for the update, and I'm looking forward to seeing you lose that pesky weight! I know you can do it!!
    3814 days ago
    I'm so glad your back! I think we all have had the slide back to here and there but we eventually get back on track which shows we truly want to be healthy and happy!

    Good luck with your new plan and I'll be here cheering you along the way!

    3814 days ago
    You should feeling good about yourself and feel positive, what you have accomplished is amazing. So, you stumbled, you have gotten up and dusted yourself off and are ready to do this thing! You can do it!
    3815 days ago
    Pink- sounds like you're head is in a good place! Figuring out WHY we do what we do is a bigger battle than the eating/exercising! Keep it up! Jen emoticon
    3816 days ago
    Glad to see you're back! I've just started tracking my food again after a 4 day hiatus (which even though that's a short amount of time it still panics me not having that little bit of control!)
    I applaud you for being so honest and getting back on track. Losing weight is about 80% mental, the working out and carrying through is no work at all compared to the battle that goes on inside your head.
    You are a *huge* inspiration to me, can't wait to monitor your progress :)
    3816 days ago
    Great to see you back both on Spark and on "the path". Looking forward to seeing your posts again!
    3818 days ago
    You've got it all right and those 40 pounds will melt under your command!
    That positive thing is the best ~don't think twice about going down and going up and going down now ... that's what we've all done and are doing!!

    3818 days ago
    I'm glad to see you back :) I've been reading all kinds of blogs and statices of the Spark friends that I've known on here since starting SP and there's a very common theme...everyones going thru a rough patch and have gained. Including me! But I'm also ready to get back to this. Good luck!!!!! We can do this!!!
    3818 days ago
  • IXCHEL23
    Thanks for sharing your honesty! I am a old sparker and have gained 10+lbs dealing with the stress of a new full-time job, glad to see I'm not alone! Wishing you success, I know you will do emoticon

    3818 days ago
  • KELCEE75
    Congrats on coming back! And great insights! Looks like you're well on your way to getting back in the game. :) You've lost so many pounds...40 will be a breeze. Besides they've already left and lived the good life somewhere else so they'll be ready to leave again. lol Good luck!
    3818 days ago
    Hey girl,
    you have an AMAZING wisdom about body image...the fact that weight is a state of mind. It's profound, isn't it? I have learned this fact after being very underweight and overweight...weight is a state of mind. And overeating results from a certain state of mind, as does undereating. How complicated it is, yet you seem to be taking it one day at a time and moving forward.


    You are powerful and capable!
    3818 days ago

    Its good to hear that I am not the only one which is really struggling at the moment!! I have managed to put on a good stone and a bit over the last few months. I am really struggling to keep in control of my eating with either over eating or not eating enough!!
    Its good to see you back determined again and i'm sure you will be back to your happier weight soon!! Thanks again for this blog as i'm sure it will make quite a few of us feel that we are not alone with this battle!!!
    3818 days ago
    I think this is a struggle we all tend to go through - being too strict or too lazy. Finding that balance is something we will need to constantly work on.
    Thanks for the update. Missed seeing you around and I'm so glad to have you back!
    3818 days ago
    I really needed this blog today. Thank you for being so honest in sharing. It will definitely give me some things to think about.
    3818 days ago
    I really started Sparking last November and have come to realize that you are so right when it's our heads that get in the way of where we went to be. So glad you are happy to be back on track in a healthy way.
    3818 days ago
    So happy to see you back Sparking. I have been on a 6 month plateau and finding it frustrating, but as you said we have to stop being so hard on ourselves! emoticon emoticon
    3818 days ago
    Oh sweetie, I'm so glad you're feeling better!
    It's really hard to face the gain, so the worst is over.
    I'm one of your fellow sparkers that stopped losing and then gained some back.
    So now I focus on the success of not having gained it all back and having maintained a lot of my loss and healthy habits.
    Forward movement, small successes, you know the drill!
    Love you babe!
    emoticon Rose
    3818 days ago
    Welcome back, this is a great restart and you can totally get back to it! It's hard to reverse the strict eating/binge cycle, I think so many of us have been there. Recommiting yourself to a goal of healthy eating and not dieting sometimes works :)
    3819 days ago
    This is a beautiful blog and could have been written, I fear, by so many of us. The funny thing is that the same thing happened to me, I became a spark motivator when I was not at a good point in my journey. I think that sank me even deeper for a while because not only was I feeling like a failure, but I felt like a fraud. I stopped logging and started eating worse and getting fluffier.

    But now you are back and you will make the change only this time you go into it knowing that you CAN gain it back and you know what you need to do to not let it happen again.

    You can do this!! I look forward to hearing more from you on your journey.
    3819 days ago
    Congratulations on coming back. It was a wakeup call to remind you that this is a lifelong commitment. It is a good thing you woke up at a forty pound gain. I'm glad you are back and looking forward to your Blog.
    3819 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.