Apologies, and Goodbye

I need to stop lying to you all, and to myself as well. I have a hard time admitting my own faults especially to myself, but also to others. I always want to seem like the strong one, the person who can face adversity, and the person who can overcome anything. I firmly believe in mind over matter, and if I convince myself that everything is okay and good that it will be true. This time it isn't working.

I have some destructive eating habits. I really don't want to go into detail about it because this is a public journal, but trust me when I say that it is destructive to my body and mind. I've been doing some real harm to myself for many, many months and I need to stop. Funny thing is... I've told myself this for a long time and still keep on with this pattern. "I'm never, ever doing this to myself again..." then the next day I have an episode again. Sometimes I'll go for weeks just being normal and kind to my body, then I relapse.

God... "relapse"? I hate that word. I watch enough "Intervention" on A&E that the word "relapse" immediately puts a the image of a junkie in my mind. Then again, that may be what I am... an addict to this behavior. A junkie whose drug is served on a plate or in a bowl rather than a pill bottle or beer can, whose dealer is my own warped mind rather than a street dealer or bartender, whose habit is food-related rather than a syringe.

I'm writing all of this here because I want to let you know that I feel that I need to take a break from Spark People for a while. This isn't like my previous hiatuses where I slowly trickled out of the SP world because I got too busy with my life; instead, it's deliberate. I need to get away from the Calorie-counting, Calorie differential graphs, and dietary suggestions. If you've read my blogs lately, I think you can sort of see why. For over a year I've done a handful of food challenges: one month vegetarianism, one month veganism, one week low-carb, etc. This is just a miniscule glimpse into my issue, and all that I've publicized about it until now.

I am forever greatful to Spark People for teaching me good habits that resulted in a healthy 35+ pound weight-loss... and pease believe me when I say I did truly lose the 35 pounds in a healthy way. That's what is so screwed up about this situation! I never started this awful, embarassing, unhealthy, destructive way of life until I already lost weight and began to maintain my new size last January (2010). I never had any signs of disordered eating until I was done losing weight, as confusing and messed up as that sounds.

I need a break from Spark People because with this site, I will continue down a path of overly scrutinizing something that I used to have a good relationship with: food. I don't know what happened to me. I don't know why it started. I do know that my analytical Engineer mind will continue to obsess like I've been doing for far too many months: count, weigh, add, exercize, count, measure, weigh, then freak out about it all and do something awful as a result of this.

I want to make one thing very, very clear: Just because I'm leaving (for now) doesn't mean I blame Spark People at all. I am greatful for everything I've learned and done on Spark People. I firmly believe in the amazing tools this site has and the people behind it all. I'm friends with a few employees (very good friends with one in particular) so believe me when I say that they are truly the best bunch of people out there. I'm the messed up one: not the idea that proper diet and fitness is essential to life; not Spark People's tools; not measuring and weighing food; not going to the gym or running a marathon. This is me. This is my fault. I have nobody to blame but myself.

Soon, I will have to address this in my own life and to my own face. It's one thing to write it all down in this blog, but it's a whole other (and more important) thing to tell this to myself... aloud... and accept the reality of the situation. Furthermore, I need to talk to my boyfriend about this so he can help me through my problems as he has done in the past. This blog post is a good start, but the steps to recovering from this has only just begun.

Before I sign off, I want to ask you all to please not think less of me for being so weak as to have succumbed to something you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy. The last thing I want to do is upset those close to me, which includes all of my Spark Friends. I was chosen as a Spark People Motivator not too long ago, and I want to continue to be a motivation - now, and upon my return.

If you want to stay in touch, send me a Spark Mail message (I'll still log in to check those). And, please, don't lose faith in me.