Monday, March 28, 2011
I’ve known it was going to happen, but I tried to convince myself that I could stop it. I almost did. I wanted to get through this month without falling backwards and feeling hopeless but despite my best efforts it caught up with me this weekend.
I thought when I got through the anniversary of my dad’s death I was good and could make it through but the stress of everything that has transpired this month finally caught up with me this weekend and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t escape the feelings of despair and hopelessness. This month has been a month of trials for me. I have been knocked down so much in the last thirty days but I have prided myself on getting right back up. I put on the happy face and gave everyone what they wanted, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to keep myself busy enough to keep it from catching up with me.
To most people it is probably the small things that lead to the feelings of despair over the last two days. A comment here and a phone call there just added up until it all seemed like too much. A friend decided to give me the silent treatment because I couldn’t muster the energy to feel sorry for her when she continues to follow the same destructive pattern time and again. My ex decided to call after three months and then got mad at me because I didn’t let him come over. When I finally told another friend about this she said he probably only called because he was “bored and lonely.” I know this but sadly the only effect it had was being the last straw to my downward spiral.
I had plans for the weekend that would have kept me busy and my mind from dwelling, but those got screwed up. I changed my plans because I knew if I kept them it would end up causing problems for my mom and since she is my biggest ally I would never do anything to cause her problems. This meant that I stayed home with nothing to keep me occupied. Sure there were many things I could have done but my mind had reached a point where the lack of plans meant that I couldn’t concentrate and all the thoughts I had tried to avoid came to the surface.
I spent a good part of the weekend wondering why I am doing this. People don’t care about me the way I am now, why will they care about me when I change? If they do care about me when I reach my goals, they why am I not good enough the way I am now? I know these are irrational thoughts but I couldn’t seem to get them to stop occupying my mind.
On top of those issues, I am scared. I am less than thirty days away from the end of my 100 day challenge. What happens if the scale doesn’t reflect the hard work I have been doing? Have I really made any progress? Part of me knows that I have made progress because my need to keep buying smaller clothes attests to that, but there is also part of me that says that is all in my head and the smaller sizes are just a fluke.
I know that my keeping all of this inside was what got me where I was this weekend but I don’t know who to talk to. My mom has been my biggest cheerleader and ally over these last weeks but I can see when I tell her how I feel hopeless that it breaks her heart. She does whatever she can to make me feel better but it only makes me feel worse because I am causing her pain. My “friends” are no help because if I say anything it gets twisted. Thus the need to write it out.
The weekdays are so much easier to deal with because I have a regimented routine. This keeps me from being able to dwell too much. I just need to find a way to deal with this and remind myself that I am making progress. I am not going to let the last two days keep me from moving forward. I know I am doing this for myself and I am glad for that. If people can’t accept me for who I am then that is their problem. This is something I know I have to work on and I am. I refuse to let these thoughts continue to go unchecked in my mind. If I let what other people say or think get to me then this journey really has been for naught. I can’t go back to where I was before I started this and those who really care about me will stick with me.
I may have slid backwards but I made it through the weekend and I am moving forward and I will not let it define me.