Things have been sliding slightly during these last 3½ months. Suddenly this afternoon that dawned on me.
In the beginning I did actually not notice - I was so busy surviving on a new continent, that I did not manage to do anything else than surviving and fixing practicalities. And fighting this government system in general, can also take out the last pointed teeth, I can assure you.
I have during the last week been making this video mind movie, and that has been a great process for me. I am talking about that in the previous blog.
It is one of my favourite songs, and my affirmations on top of the pictures I love the most, and that helps getting this reluctant brain to understand that this is for me, and it is available, I just need to reach out.
And then, after the video, I created my "Book of Proofs".
It is a beautiful notebook I found some years ago in Florence.
I had to have it, so I bought it. It felt almost forbidden, as I had no identified use for it, but it was so beautiful. It had one of the old Michelangelo paintings on the cover, and it just radiated such balance and beauty.
Since then it has been on my bookshelf, because it was so beautiful that I could not use it for business meeting notes, nor shopping lists etc.
But this week I suddenly knew what to use it for. It has become my "Book of Proofs".
Each page on top has one of my affirmations listed from my mind movie. And on the lines below I will document all the incidents where this exact affirmation came through, a small or big incident. An acknowledgement, A check in the mail, Anything. And some of the pages are already pretty full. And I will have to take the next blank page and write again on the top and continue.
And my self esteem has somewhat drifted it dawned on me. I make different choices.
OK - I am here all by myself, in a small apartment, and needed a vaccuumcleaner. Now, there was the cheap ones with not too much suction capacity, that certainly was able to do the job, and then there was the robot version that would do it all by itself once a day. I decided for the robot one, although it was twice as expensive, and although the advice from my husband was that the cheap one was good enough. Why? - "Because I am worth it!" If I bought the cheap one, I would be stuck with a vaccuumcleaner for the next many years until it broke, before there would be a natural opportunity for me to buy another one.
- I bought a fantastic car, more luxurious and bigger than needed, absolutely, no doubt about it. Why? Because if I bought the tiny one, there was a danger that it might be so robust that I would not have an occasion to change it to another one... and "Because I am worth it"
- in my bathroom there are lotions and face masks, and I use time in the bathtub, relaxing and taking care of my self and my body - "Because I am worth it".
- and here I am standing looking at the bottled water and thinking that the water in the tap is not poisenous, it just tastes not so good. And it is cheaper than the bottled water. And for the first time I find myself reaching out for the water - after having analysed which is the cheapest version of course LOL, and brings it home. "Because I am worth it"
- Soon I am going back to my family to throw a big party for my son, and I am pretty sure that I will have bought a stunning dress to wear in front of all the family, out of respect for my son that can have a mother he is proud of, out of joy for being back where the film broke last year in June and I slipped back at warp speed, close to my starting point again - a stunning dress - "Because I am worth it".
- I have found myself going early home from work, and enjoy a couple of hours in the sun, before going back to the computer and continuing closing down the last things in the e-mails ....., "Because I am worth it".
- Today I have been blogging and Sparking most of the day, I even did not bother to get dressed. I will soon be travelling again, hecticly, I need to prepare and pack. Normally I would have speeded around and multitasked and felt extremely efficient, and accomplished a fair amount of things, sure. But instead I have chosen to blog, Spark and watch my affirmations, back up my computer, streamline the files and make sure this part is fully fit for the next two months fights, ... "Because I am worth it"
- and just thinking back on how many hours during the last weeks evenings I have used for something as "nonproductive" as a vision collage, just for me? Well yes, not a collage, but my movie. Hours used for me.. "Because I am worth it"
And I even do not use that brand in cosmetics or lotions!
But maybe I should? "Because I AM worth it" !!!
And just for now my weight ticker is speeding downwards, as if it was participating in a race of some kind - why? "Probably because I am worth it"
It is in these moment I need to stop up and acknowledge that things ARE happening, things ARE changing, that I appreciate it and am EVER so grateful.
Maybe I am slowly getting it?